Things That I Don’t Like (Condensed)
Alright so I’m gonna give you a little insight into the mind of me. Be excited; this doesn’t happen very often. Here it goes. I get irritated very easily. Simple things make me upset, probably because the rest of society is too simple-minded to realize that they suck. Here are a bunch of things that society should fix. Pay attention.
McDonald’s Yogurt Parfait. Have you ever had one of those things? It’s like one layer of nasty on top of another, topped with off-brand whipped cream that tastes like horse piss. For those of you who don’t know, horse piss tasted disgusting. I’ll never bet on the Pirates to win the World Series again. But that’s irrelevant. Back to the yogurt. It’s the worst thing on the dollar menu, which is saying something; the day I enjoy a side salad is the day my balls fall off (that’s medically impossible, so there you go). If you’re at a McDonald’s and I see you or anyone you’re with order a Yogurt Parfait, I will take it and smash it right into your face. You will have all sorts of fruit and yogurt dripping off of your face, and people will laugh at you. You have my word. And if you think I’ll show mercy for children or women, you’re sadly mistaken. Call my bluff, I dare you.
Mittens. Okay, now this one is debatable. I’ve seen some pretty cool mittens in my day, especially those ones you can turn into gloves. It’s like a Mitten Transformer. I like anything that reminds me of those movies. I love Shia Labeef. But for all of the badass transformer mittens, there are 10-15 pairs of nasty mittens. I don’t like not being able to use my fingers; it makes me nervous. Evolution gave us 5 for a reason folks, and it wasn’t to morph them all into one big pancake of a hand with a stupid mitten. Survival of the Fittest. How am I supposed to ward off an incoming attacker with mittens on? I mean I could do it; I’m extremely well-trained. But for all of the weaker people out there, don’t wear mittens. They compromise your readiness.
Triple Thick Shakes. Those effing liars. When I go to Mickey D’s and order a Triple Thick Milkshake, I expect a shake that is three times as thick as a normal one. I was going to say “thrice” just now, but I didn’t. I’m not that kind of man. So you can see, when I receive a “triple thick” shake that’s actually just as runny as the regular shakes, I get upset. Last time this happened, I chewed out the lady that gave it to me real nice. I yelled at her about how the milkshake was bullshit, and said some other choice swears I’d been saving up for a while. Then she started yelling back at me. She called me a bunch of names I don’t think I can repeat, even on the internet. She was pretty intimidating, and I’m pretty sure she’d worked at a bowling alley before. Yeah, one of those people. People who work at bowling alleys usually deal with a lot of questionable characters, so they’re usually tough as nails. Nails are tough too, by the way. I drove away, and I ripped my shake into the window. They called the cops. It’s a story for another time.
Any tie that isn’t “clip-on.” Okay, so if I told you that you could save a good 3 minutes every morning getting ready, would you listen? Then listen, idiots, because if you’re using a normal tie (not a clip-on), then you’re fudging up. A tie that’s already tied? Hello? It’s a collaboration between Brooks Brothers and Jesus Christ. Brady and Bronson Brooks (cool names that start with B that I made up for the Brooks Bros.) made the tie and then Jesus clipped that metal piece on the end, just for me and you. You already know my stance on Velcro shoes, so I’ll just let this topic rest at that. You’re welcome.
People that “borrow” things and don’t return them. This can be modified to include thieves of all sorts. I think it’s pretty obvious that when you borrow something, you return it within a week. That’s 7 days, mind you. I don’t like when people say “week” and assume that it means “work week,” and then make the assumption that I mean 5 days. I work 7 days a week, 24 hours a day. It’s called Hustle and Grind. I’m on mine. I got all of that from a movie on TV. It sounded good. It was on the BET. Anyway. Be warned that if you borrow something and I don’t get it back in a week or less, I will use my substantial survival/hunting experience to track you down and take my item back. I will then humiliate you in public. And you can’t come back from that. You can’t borrow pride.
Chairs with wheels that don’t have swivel backs. What’s the point of having wheels on a chair if you can’t spin around in circles? I’ll tell you: there is no point. I can’t see what that good-looking temp in the corner is doing without some swivel to my chair. And when I can’t see the temp I get upset. Last time that happened, I poured all the coffee into the ice maker. It was spitting out Christmas Blend cubes for 2 weeks. Do you want coffee cubes in your water or juice? Didn’t think so. So change the damn chairs to swivel backs or suffer the consequences.
Cold weather without snow. It’s like cupcakes without icing, what the hell is up with that. If you like cupcakes without icing, you’re an idiot and I don’t think I like you reading my stuff. So stop it. But about the snow. I like snow. I like to think it’s a bunch of little angels coming down from heaven to spend time on Earth. Yea right, eff that. I just feel like if freezing wind’s gonna be smacking my face, give me something to look at. Wind is the only thing in the world that is allowed to smack my face without consequences.
Commercials with square ice cubes in them. Let me tell you something. I get most things right the first time I try them. Some things take me a couple of tries, but I get them done. If I haven’t accomplished something in about 10 tries, I deem it impossible and send out a lot of angry e-mails about how it can’t be done. Yeah, I e-mail. But back to the ice cubes, I’ve tried to make square ice cubes for a long time, and I can’t do it. I think it’s impossible. So, when I see a commercial with square ice cubes in it, I make a promise to never drink that beverage until they remove said commercial. As of right now I can’t drink water, Disaronno, and a bunch of other types of alcohol. It’s probably for the best. E-mail me about it: firstname.lastname@example.org. If you’re asking why “051,” I’m not going to answer you. It’s personal. Stay out of it.
Phonics. What in the hell is Phonics? When it comes to irrelevant grade school subjects, I think Phonics is number one. Close second: Math. I can’t think of one time I’ve used what I learned from Phonics in life. Probably because I can’t remember much of what I learned in the 1st Grade. I feel so strongly about the unimportance of Phonics that I went down to the school on the corner of my street. I dressed up in a collared shirt, to look professional, got a visitor’s badge, and set up right in front of the 1st Grade classrooms. I then made a sign from a cardboard box I found, took off my shirt, and started yelling real loud. The sign said “Phuck Phonics.” I was going to write the real F-word, but I knew that wouldn’t go over well. Long story short, I spent the night in jail, and now I’m not allowed within 100 yards of a grade school in the state of South Dakota. They said I couldn’t take off my shirt in a school filled with hundreds of small children and expect to get off Scot-free. First of all, what in the dickens does “Scot-free” mean? If anything, I’d pay more for something Scottish; they make good shit. Second, haven’t you ever been to a public pool? There’s people with their shirts off all the time. It’s prejudiced.
Any fashion accessory that deals with the ankles. Talk about pathetic. I didn’t think I’d encounter a trend I hated more than Beanie Babies, but then came the anklet. Beanie Babies are a child’s worst friend. They inspire imaginary friends, and I don’t approve of imagination. But anklets are the worst. Why in the hell would I want you to have a bracelet on your ankle? Answer: I don’t. If anything, anklets just compromise those wearing them. Less aerodynamic. So actually, while I do hate anklets, they do serve a good purpose. They let me recognize all of the foolish people in the world for what they are. Just like a beret.
Toyotas and Hondas. For any of you who own a foreign car, you are not, nor will you ever be, my friend. There is a checklist of qualities you must have to be counted among my friends, and right at the top is National Pride. If you’re in America, you’re gonna buy American or suffer the consequences. In this case, the consequence is being shunned by me and other true Americans for buying something that supports Communism. You bastard. Every time I see a Japanese car on the roads, I pray to the thunder god Thor that he will use his power to smite them and those driving. It hasn’t worked yet, but Thor will hear my prayers. Thor always hears. The only car I hate more than the Toyota Camry or the Honda Civic is the Smart Car. It should be called “The Small Piece of Shit.” I try to fart every time I see a Smart Car, just so people will know how much it sucks. I’ve forced a couple out, and two of them ended badly. Buy American motherfucker.
PETA. I don’t like PETA, and I’ll tell you why. 1) “Peta” isn’t a real word. You couldn’t come up with a better name? 2) My neighbor Pierre is a fan on Facebook, and I try to dislike anything that the French like. 3) It completely undermines “Survival of the Fittest.” I’ve already referenced this thought process and how much I believe in it (see Mittens section). If deer are gonna die out, then that’s on them. If I were a deer, I’d stockpile food in a part of the forest only I could get to (I would be a sneaky, nimble deer). I would then dig a hole with my front hooves, place all of my leaves (or whatever deer eat) in this hole, and wait until I was one of the only deer left. Another story for another time. Humans shouldn’t coddle animals into prolonging their existence. If the deer or some other species wanted to rebel and attempt to take over the planet, I’d welcome that. It’d be constructive and altogether futile. Opposable thumbs cannot be beaten.
Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise as a person is an utter fool. He jumps on couches, he divorces Nicole Kidman (even though she’s not that hot), and he was in Rainman. That movie is bullshit. I went to Vegas and tried to count cards and all I got was a fat lip and kicked out. One time I punched myself in the mouth 3 times in an attempt to make my lips appear more luscious. I got fatter lips. It worked.
Anybody who hates on Tom Cruise. This is not contradictory. Do not confuse my dislike of Tom Cruise for me hating on Tom Cruise. No no no. While he may act like a fool (Oprah) and believe in things I strongly disagree with (Scientology, I ask you), he is getting all up in Katie Holmes’ business. And he starred in all of the Mission: Impossible movies. First off, I have one problem with these movies; just one. Why are they called Mission: “Impossible?” If Tom is going to accomplish these missions, they’re obviously not impossible. Whatever, I’ll overlook this flaw. Oh yeah, and he played a feature role in Top Gun. That movie has shaped my life in more ways than anyone will ever know. I sleep in fighter pilot clothes.
The Letter “K.” Don’t ask me why, it’s got a nasty look about it. I feel like “K” is always trying to one-up the other letters, and I don’t like it. Not one bit. Show off. I bet the letter “J” wants to get moved in the alphabet because K’s always being an ass, but he can’t do anything about it. K’s that guy at the office party that gets really drunk and tries to hit on “M,” the hot secretary, but can’t get anything because he’s ugly and obnoxious. Then K’s wife, “O,” finds out and divorces K and takes half his money. Serves you right K, you whore.
Orange Juice that isn’t “From Concentrate.” If I were to give you a choice between one juice that helped you concentrate and one juice that didn’t, which would you choose? If you’re an idiot, you choose the juice that’s not from concentrate, and then I outperform you on any number of standardized tests. I drank 2 gallons of Orange Juice from concentrate before the ACT in high school. I threw up halfway through the first section, but I promise you had I not, I would’ve aced that shit. I was concentrating so hard. To Marcia Bloom, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry I puked in your hair, even though the majority of the fault rests on my digestive system. If you’re gonna blame anyone for that, blame my stomach.
Grapefruit Juice in general. Grapefruit juice is the Lance Bass of the juice family. One, it tastes sour as nothing else. Two, it tastes disgusting. Three, it’s pink. If grapefruit juice had parents, I think they’d be disappointed in what it’s become.
Motivational Posters. Real men make their own luck. They also get motivated on their own, not because some poster tells them to. If anyone in the world came up to me and said “Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful,” I’d probably do my best to push them down into a puddle and ruin their clothes. Except for maybe Jack Bauer. If Jack Bauer came up to me and said that, I would write it down as a memo in my phone. Then I would ask him if I could join him in the battle against all that is evil in the world. I have a theory that Jack Bauer is actually all of the superheroes we hear about. Superman, Batman, the Flash, all of them. Ehh. All but the Green Lantern. What a useless piece of trash. He would be the worst superfriend ever.
So those are some of the things I hate. Next week: things I love. Much shorter list.