Stephen Hobbes

So I got all of this from a cousin of mine who lives in California.  It’d been given to him by a friend who works for the acting company in question.  It’s pretty astonishing.

The following is a letter sent into a prestigious acting school in California by a Mr. Stephen Hobbes.  It was attached to his application, on which was placed numerous requests that they get back to him before he “listens to (his) heart and travels the wide expanses of the world to search within (himself) for the true meaning of man’s existence.”

I am Stephen Malcolm Hobbes.  Although you do not yet know me, you soon shall.  You see, I am an aspiring actor currently living in Northern California with my friend Sylvester Landry.  I am what most people would call good-looking, charming, and witty; I won many awards and lead roles in my grade school’s numerous stage productions, and my mother has frequently remarked that my stage presence and overall demeanor remind her of a certain Bradley Pitt, you may have heard of him, who has starred in such works as “Mr. and Mrs. Smith,” “Se7en,” and “Troy,” among many others.  However, I do not like to dwell on such superficial things as this; I am a deeply passionate and sensitive person.  As you no doubt noticed, I neglected to fill in certain portions on my application, namely “Work Experience” and “References.”  These sections, I believe, are not indicative of my being.  Truthfully, I find establishments that place a large emphasis on these are not at all qualified for my prodigious skill and raw talent.  I say raw talent simply because the numerous productions in which I have acted and starred are largely self-produced and seen only by myself and a number of close friends who have similar, though a bit less refined, taste in theater.

I have written and produced a multitude of plays, some of which have garnered national attention and reputable aplomb.  My rendition of “Oklahoma!” in which I personally played numerous parts and my nephew, Percival, played Thomas the Tree, has received just over one hundred views on YouTube.  But enough of that; I did not write to you all to inform you of my prior roles.  I wrote to tell you of my future.

I have a different character for every day of the week.  For those of you who do not understand, I shall elaborate.  On Mondays, I embody Martin, a civilized Englishman who spends his days at the local park, writing poetry and reading aloud Shakespeare.  I often remark on the weather to fellow parkgoers with a simple “Good day old boy,” or “Evening gentleman.”  At various occasions I might invite complete strangers to “Head to the Queen’s house in a fortnight for tea and crumpets!”  A number of young gentlemen have commented on the impeccable state of my attire, and they have decided my bow-tie is quite “gay” and enjoyable.  I am somewhat of a role model in the community.  Then there are “Tolkien Tuesdays,” in which I dress as Gandalf the Grey.  I choose my favorite lines from the Lord of the Rings trilogy and shout them at unsuspecting passers-by; an elderly gentleman nearly wet himself the other day at a particularly inspired rendition of “GO BACK TO THE SHADOW!”  I am pretty good.  There are “Wizard Wednesdays,” for Harry Potter, when I run around with a broomstick and cast various spells at inanimate objects.  Sometimes people try to make up spells to throw at me, like “Fuchoff” and “Getahjob.”  They clearly are not as well-versed in wizard lore as myself.  On “Twilight Thursdays,” I go shirtless under my peacoat and throw glitter on myself.  Then I just jump around looking sad and gloomy.  People love Thursdays.  “Fantasy Fridays” consist of me donning the suit of an animal and prancing around the park, frolicking throughout the nature.  Saturday is a day of practicing in front of the mirror for a performance, since I have so many.  I maintain that Sunday is to be spent resting, relaxing, and enjoying some of my favorite television series, including “Gilmore Girls” and anything on Public Access TV.  I find the broad range of acting skill enthralling.

I am a talented acting prospect; the proverbial “diamond in the rough,” if you will.  I have full confidence in my acting abilities, and am giving you as an institution a chance to refine my raw skill into something that can be enjoyed by the general public for all of eternity.  Do not pass this up.

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