Have you ever been in a conversation with someone where you just want to leave? We all try to be polite and come up with an excuse to leave instead of just turning and leaving, because we’re “civilized.” Well reader, have no fear, because I have come up with a list of excuses for you. That’s right. Next time your friend Walter asks you to feed his cat, just say you’ve got to:
Spend time with underprivileged children.
Make soup for a kitchen. (Soup Kitchen, it works)
Adopt a puppy.
Volunteer at the local homeless shelter.
Stop excessive logging in the Northwestern United States.
Help the elderly move their groceries across the street.
Help Smokey the Bear prevent forest fires.
Befriend a single mother and help out around the house.
Save a kitten from a tree.
Break up a fight between friends who will regret it later.
Recycle, because green is good.
Play paintball with Tony Blair, former Prime Minister of Britain.
Watch a collection of Disney movies and bask in the glory of your youth.
Warn teens about the dangers of Texting While Driving.
Take local orphans on an Icelandic Fishing Trip.
Fight disease with the Volunteer Hazmat Unit of America.
Teach boy scouts how to light a campfire.
Run an “NFL: Play 60” camp with Roddy White and the Atlanta Falcons.
Help your Grandma Betsy set up her G-Mail account.
Train a litter of Seeing-Eye dogs.
Send a carrier pigeon to your friend Marcel in Madrid.
Vote for your Uncle Gary for town Mayor.
Tend to your Tamagatchi.
Walk door-to-door with your Girl Scout niece, who’s selling Thin Mints.
Emcee a rap battle down at the train station.
Save a wild moose baby that’s caught in a bear trap.
Learn a choreographed dance to “Rump Shaker” by Wrecks N Effect.
Apply for a Visa credit card so you can join those old guys in the Never Miss a SuperBowl Club.
Go on an actual Wild Goose chase, for real geese.
Watch Danny Glover in “Lethal Weapon” and pretend you’re Mel Gibson.
Meet Papa John, because “He’s in the house!”
Watch Shrek and sing “I’m A Believer” with Eddie Murphy as Donkey.
Go spelunking with Hilary Clinton.
Make a fruit smoothie for Elton John, and a damn good one at that.
Birth a unicorn foal.
Go to the zoo and fix the polar bear exhibit.
Deep-sea dive for priceless pearls with Christian Bale.
Wrangle a bull.
Study the flight patterns of Canadian geese.
Break the World Record for longest boomerang throw.
Drink Triple-Thick Milkshakes with Brendan Fraser.
Participate in a Civil War battle reenactment.
Referee a 3 legged race.
Iron your pants, they’re quite wrinkly.
Gas up your Chevrolet Aveo.
Listen to “Born in the USA” by the Boss Mr. Bruce Springsteen.
Watch a documentary on the mating habits of macaroni penguins.
Go fly-fishing for rainbow trout in a small province of Canada.
Have a staring contest with Lenny Kravitz.
Watch “The Last Mimzy” with your dog.