Glenn and the Fart Heard ‘Round the World

So I discovered the other day that one of my professors doesn’t have a good sense of humor.  Ehh, that’s a little harsh I guess.  I should say that he doesn’t share my sense of humor.  There I was, sitting in class, when my phone went off.  This guy hates phones, has a strict policy against them in the classroom, and the theme song from “The Office” starts playing out of my pocket halfway through class.  I thought I handled it pretty well; I pretended to answer and said “Not now Pete, I’m on the shitter.”  People loved it, they laughed and they started high-fiving each other, and there was confetti, and cheering, and a birthday cake; not really.  But people did laugh, so I was pretty pleased with myself.

I smiled a little (I thought it was a pretty good joke, and pretty harmless), but then I chanced a glance at my professor.  You would’ve thought I’d killed his dog or something, this guy was staring daggers at me and was clearly upset.  Everyone got all quiet, and I was a little frightened.  I’d never seen him get really upset before, so he was a wild card, I didn’t know what he was capable of.  I didn’t really fancy getting yelled at in front of everyone, plus he looked like he could do some physical damage to me if he had the mind to.  He’s a pretty big guy.  So everyone got real quiet, and then all of a sudden this kid pinches out a mean fart from the other side of the classroom.  It sounded angry.

And I lost it.  I mean come on, it was hysterical.  I wasn’t the only one either.  The kid next to me couldn’t handle it, he dropped out of his chair on to the floor, and the one next to him was actually crying with mirth.  At this point the teacher was furious, he pointed at the two of us (me and boy who farts) and told us to “get the hell into the hallway.”  I was still kinda laughing, which I suppose wasn’t the best attitude to go into the situation with.  He followed us into the hall and really laid into this kid and me, especially Glenn (kid with gas).  He said a lot of things I wouldn’t feel comfortable saying to anyone but my closest friends, and Glenn started getting a bit emotional.  He started tearing up, which made both the Professor and myself feel a bit awkward.  Side note: has anyone else ever noticed how awkward of a word “awkward” is?  It really dawned on me the other day.  But anyway.  One thing you’ve got to understand about Glenn is that he’s a pretty hefty fella.  If I were a bit more insensitive, I would probably call him morbidly obese.  The kind of kid that brings a bag of Extreme Cheddar goldfish to class AND a bag of pretzels, and his breath always smells like ass.  I’m not trying to be mean here, just real.  I mean it smells like he hasn’t brushed his teeth in little over a week every time he talks, and that’s effing nasty.

So this is a 21 year old kid, man, and he’s crying in the hall because he broke some big wind in class.  All of a sudden Glenn runs off into the bathroom, and I could hear him sobbing in one of the stalls (probably the handicapped one, because the others might have been too small to fit him).  I just stood there, not knowing what to do.  The Prof cleared his throat and said something about “forgetting what had just happened.”  I said I would, but how can you forget something like that?  That shit was golden, so I felt the need to pass on my story on here.  Feel free to take my name out and put yours in and tell this at parties, just tell whoever you’re with to visit ThisIsIrrelevant and follow me on Twitter @himynameis_adam.

 

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