If I’m Being Honest, This Is Shit.

I’ve been away for a while, and I’d like to say that I’m back, so here it goes: I’m back?  To tell you the truth, there is a lot going on in this guy’s life right now that takes precedent over writing stories, unfortunately.  I’ve got to clean things that I spill (which actually, though it might not sound like it, is a serious problem in my life), take out the trash on Sunday nights, eat breakfast most mornings, and I mean my box set of NCIS isn’t going to watch itself, that’s for sure.  Anyway with all of these menial tasks taking up the better part of my productivity, I’ve had little to no time to write.  This is probably more depressing to me than you, because I doubt anyone reads these things anyway.  Anyway, I’ll try to be better at being a productive member of society, but I’m not going to make any promises.  If you came here looking for a promise, you might just want to leave now.  And if I’ve let you down then you’re joining almost everyone I’ve ever met in that category, so don’t think you’re special.  Back to the storytelling.  I don’t have any ideas, so I’m just going to trot on down whatever path my mind takes me.  Actually, I’ll censor it, because it’s none of your business what I’m thinking about.  That’s between myself and my Live Journal.  I don’t have a Live Journal guys, that was a joke.  Unless you guys think they’re cool, in which case I can definitely sign up.  Let me know.

I’ve been limping through life the past couple of months.  Quite literally actually, I started working out my legs and I’m pretty sure I tore something in my left thigh, because every time I walk it hurts.  My softball team isn’t happy with me, let me tell you.  However while my physical well-being has been taking some serious hits, my friendship circle has been growing ever wider.  Yes, I know how lame the term “friendship circle” is, but I used it.  Get over it.  Everyone knows now that the only thing worth doing in life is making more and more Facebook friends, and I’ve been lighting that shit UP.  But that’s not important; I don’t like to toot my own horn.  I don’t like to toot anything, but sometimes nature has its own ideas, you know?  I’ve got bad jokes for days.

On the topic of friends though, I realized the other day that the one thing I’m missing in my life right now is the presence of a friend with a British accent.  I mean I’m definitely missing more things in my life; I really want a big tent so I can go camping comfortably, large enough to fit at least four or five people, and as of this moment I’m seriously craving a cheeseburger; but I’ve got the essentials down pretty solid right now.  I didn’t eat lunch today guys, so don’t judge me on the cheeseburger.  I’m really hungry.  But back to my missing British pal, I think that’d be awesome.  People with British accents are more trustworthy than people without, at least that’s what my ears tell me.  If a British man came up to me as a child and asked me to get into his van for some free candy, I’ll be damned if little me wouldn’t have hopped right into that Chevy Astro and probably never been seen again.  Thank God that never happened.  Dodged a bullet there, mom and dad.  Plus I could hear him/her say things like “Cheerio” and not immediately think of shitty cereal.  They’ve got some amazing phrases over there in the land of the Queen.  Tea and crumpets, fortnight, starkers (personal favorite); the list goes on and on.  What do we have?  “Cowabunga?”  Thanks a ton, California.

So this guy who apparently reads my blog has sent me a number of emails concerning what I should write about next.  He sends them every so often, and I’ve gotta say that he’s got a unique perspective on life.  Maybe he’s British, but that’s just wishful thinking.  Here are a few of the good ones:

  • Anyone who doesn’t believe in a system of checks and balances need only look at crocodiles and T-Rex’s.  I really don’t know if that’s how to pluralize T-Rex.  And I only abbreviated it because I have no clue how to spell Tyrannosaurus.  Actually, according to my spell check, I do.  Sound it out.  Back to my reasoning; could you imagine if either of those reptiles had long arms?  So long humanity, those fuckers would kill everyone.  Evolution (or God, if that’s your thing) gave them sharp teeth, a mean disposition, and some short fucking arms.
  • Just came across the word “hankering” on the internet, as in “I’ve got a serious hankering for some powdered donut holes.”  Consider this me being shocked that “hankering” doesn’t get tossed around more in casual conversation, because that word is incredible.  As for the powdered donut holes, when I feel like looking as if I’ve been eating cocaine, I’ll buy some.  I am of the firm opinion that there is absolutely no way to eat a powdered donut and not look like you’ve got a serious drug problem.  The shit gets all over your lips and then when you try to lick it off, it doesn’t work.
  • Ran into a loud chewer today, let’s talk about it.  If there’s one type of people I cannot stand in this world, it’s loud chewers.  Them, murderers, racists, and the guys that go around giving parking tickets because I accidentally put a Canadian quarter in the slot.  Five minutes late and that’s what I get.  But seriously, when I get the urge to hear what you’re eating, I’ll tell you (and that will almost definitely never happen).  The fact that you can make eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich sound like you’re demolishing a bag of ranch flavored Corn Nuts is nothing to be proud of.  If you don’t know, Corn Nuts are really fucking crunchy.
  • What would really happen if Sarah Palin was elected President?  Her husband would be the first First Man, that’s what.  Now that’s a job I wouldn’t mind having.  Sleeping with the head of the most powerful country in the world and not having to do shit in the meantime?  Sign this guy up.  As long as we’re still talking about a female president, because I don’t play for the other team (not that it’s bad I guess?).  He would be the ultimate stay at home dad.
  • Remember FUBU?  “For Us By Us?”  What a load of garbage.  Maybe I’ll start my own clothing line with an acronym so just a single ethnicity can use it.  “BTWK: Buy This White Kids.”  No, that sounds like a boy-band name.

These are just a few of them, I’ll be sure to let you guys know whenever he sends me a gem.  And to the sender: thank you.  You make my day.  Working on some actual stories soon, hopefully they’ll be better than this shit!


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