Mad Fast Cars 5

“Whoa, that was fast!” – Guy 1

“No, it was five times as fast!” – Guy 2 (or maybe a girl, Girl 1)

That’s probably what a lot of people said when they left the theater after watching Mad Fast Cars 5 with Phil Walker (The Time Traveler’s Wife and Twilight: Dawn’s Light) and Dwight “What’s Cookin?” Johnson (WWF and Hannibal).  It’s a delightful flick also starring Vincent P. Diesel (Riddick: Chronicled), filled with hairpin turns and daredevil tricks that would make Evel Knievel wish he hadn’t died when he did.

Brian O’Connor (Walker) and his co-pilot Dom Toretto (Diesel) bust a bunch of their friends out of jail, probably by driving real fast and impressing the parole officers or something.  Everybody loves a good race, and they probably exploited the officers’ love of high-speed fun to bail out Taye Diggs (Mos Def) and their two hot girl friends, both played by Lindsay Lohan (Mean Bitches).  When Luke Hobbs (Johnson) finds out that they can drive fast in their cars, he gets mad (thus the title of the film) and takes his own cars to a third-world country; I think it’s somewhere in Cuba.

“What’s Cookin?” tells his police friends that they shouldn’t “ever, EVER, let them get into cars.”  If I had been writing the script, I would have given the police an ultimatum, like “Find them or you’re a rotten egg!”  In my experiences, nobody ever wants to be the rotten egg, because the rotten egg always gets made fun of on the playground.

I think I’d be great at driving cars fast.  My parents disagree, but then again they haven’t seen me play racing games on my Playstation  2.  NASCAR, Underground, Spyro; I win them all.  Hey do you guys know if I could rent out a car in NASCAR for a race?  It’d be cool to be on Sports Center for winning the Daytona 500, especially when they drink the milk at the end.  They’re health conscious and all about strengthening their bones, because driving a car can be really physically taxing.

O’Conlin and Totino decide to rob a bank, because the bank in question is run by a bunch of jerks.  I actually don’t know if the owners were jerks or not, but I think the movie’s more redemptive if you pretend Walker and The Dies are the good guys.  So they concoct this big plan, but then “What’s Cookin?” gets upset that they’re stealing.  He was brought up in a neighborhood where that kind of stuff is a real problem, and their actions reminded him of his troubled youth.  He decides to put a stop to it.

The action culminates in a crazy chase scene (involving a bunch of fast cars, you guessed it!) where Diesel and Phil Walker maneuver a giant safe, tied behind their cars, through the crowded streets of a big city.  I tried dragging my friend through the streets of our city behind my car, but the police stopped us because it wasn’t safe.  They clearly haven’t seen this movie!

This movie is LOADED with stars, from Walker and Johnson to cameos by a lot of hot girls and the popular hip-hop star Ludicrous.  Take your kids, because they’ll probably become either NASCAR drivers or thieves after seeing it, both of which I understand to be pretty well-paying jobs, and they gonna end up paying for your hospital bills when you’re old and disabled.

Things I liked about this movie:

  1. Fast Cars.  Could you imagine trying to film a movie about cars without any fast cars?  That’d be a challenge.  They did a nice job of including them here.
  2. No wrestling.  I liked that Dwight “What’s Cookin?” Johnson was able to put his past behind him and step away from the ring for a while.  Everyone deserves a break.
  3. Fun dialogue.  It’s always good to hear witty banter being exchanged between two people, especially criminals.  It proves that everyone’s smart in their own way.

Things they need to work on for Six Sexy Mad Fast Cars:

  1. Catherine Zeta-Jones.  As far as I could see, Catherine wasn’t in this movie at all!  Talk about a mistake in casting.  Every good movie starts with Catherine.
  2. Include some magic.  The whole Harry Potter thing is really “in” today, and I don’t think the directors used that to their advantage.
  3. Animal sidekicks.  I’ve never seen a movie that would have been worse with an animal sidekick, and this is no exception.  Give Diesel a loyal companion to drive with him places!  Then he could duck below the window and pretend to have his dog driving so people on the streets would get really confused.  The Dies would pop up and show everyone what a jokester he is, and then they’d all probably go out for a Fanta or whatever they have in Cuba.

All in all, this was a fast fun film for anyone who loves cars and fights.  Take your friends out to dinner and then to this movie, and then try everything in your neighborhood streets!  Speed limit signs are just for guidelines anyway.

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