Sometimes I Talk About Finals

Did you forget that it’s Finals week?  Don’t worry, if you have more than three friends on Facebook you’ll soon know just how long they’ve studied and how many more exams they’ve got left.  Or, if you’re privileged enough to have a Twitter, your timeline will be filled with a bunch of these:

“3 days ‘til I can get drunk”

“2 finals and a paper stand in the way of my break”

Or my personal favorite:

“Running on 36 hours with no sleep, Red Bull and Adderall #finalsgrind”

You might run into that girl.  “Oh my God, I had my History final this morning and my professor totally gave me a dirty look when I turned it in, I’m sooooo gonna fail.  Plus I watched the Gossip Girl marathon last night instead of looking up shit for that stupid class.  It’s like lol bitch, have you even seen the way George Washington dressed? ”

Head to the library, where if you’re lucky you may get to hear the remarkably overweight girl in pajama pants and a ketchup-stained Winnie the Pooh shirt chomp her way through an entire box of Cheez-Its (don’t worry, they’re Reduced Fat).  Desperation never seemed so real.

Personal favorite: the couple that can’t bear to be apart for longer than 10 seconds.  No better way to display that festive holiday love then turning the pages of each other’s textbooks.  Hey girl, if you don’t want some of that coffee that he’s offering you with little hearts on the side, you can have the pile of vomit that’s running down my front from watching you two muck it up in public.  More like mistledon’t.

And who doesn’t love the guy who listens to “SHOTS” at an incredibly unreasonable volume on his iPod?!  Who needs eardrums when you’ve got Lil’ John?  As for your peers trying to focus, fuck ‘em.  It’s your personal library rage sesh.

One of the best things about this week is the plethora of people-watching opportunities it provides.  When 20 year old kids stuffed with nothing but Ramen and energy drinks go without sleep for days at a time, they tend to do some stupid shit.  Here are some of the funniest things I’ve seen in college when Finals roll around:

  • Last year I saw a guy walk straight into a tree. I laughed at him but stopped when I realized he was crying and bleeding from his nose.
  • Sophomore year, I witnessed a 280 pound black man fart himself awake in the library.  This is not a lie.
  • On multiple occasions, girls have walked into the Men’s restroom, and vice versa.  Usually they realize it by the time they get to the stall, but sometimes they don’t.  Those can get weird.
  • While we’re on the toilet topic, a kid fell asleep on one last year.  How do I know this?  He was snoring in the stall.
  • Acne-riddled boy had his headphones in at the computer next to me.  Attempted to quietly fart.  It wasn’t quiet.
  • A confused-looking Asian man tripped and fell up the stairs last year.  In an attempt to save himself, he dropped his stack of roughly 200 sheets of paper (guesstimate), which went everywhere.  Didn’t get his hands up quick enough, still smashed his face.
  • And finally me, the library staple: burning every taste bud in my mouth off on a cup of tea.  You think I’d learn that 3 seconds isn’t nearly long enough for boiling hot water to cool down, but you’d be wrong!  There goes the feeling in my mouth for the week, just in time for holiday goodies.

So don’t feel bad about finals!  At least you’re not one of these people (hopefully).  Look for me in the library, I’ll be the one hand-sharpening pencils louder that you can talk!


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