After Earth: A Review

Hello. I saw After Earth the other day, on a Wednesday. My neighbor Brian told me “Happy Hump Day” when I was getting in my car, to which I responded, “your dog sure thinks so!” His dog humps his pillows, his leg, and pretty much anything else it can get its dick on. Then Brian said I should stop talking out of my ass, but I’m pretty sure that’s impossible (except for farts). I’m not a piece of meat, Brian. Stop thinking about my butt, bro.

At first I thought this movie was called “After Birth,” and I wasn’t gonna go. I think that stuff’s gross, and I see enough of that on the Discovery Channel. But then I realized it was After Earth, which sounded cool. What planet’s after Earth, Mars? I thought it’d be cool to watch a movie about Mars.

Turns out, After Earth is about Will Smith (TV movie The Fresh Prince and His Hair) and his son Jaden (Jackie Chan’s Karate Kids). They crash on Earth when the dinosaurs were still here, which I learned in 5th Grade is like 100 B.C.E. There are a bunch of cool animals too, like tigers and birds and shit.

I got pretty distracted for most of the movie, because Robert Downy Jr. was in my theater. I kept calling out, “Hey Robert, show me your Iron Man face! How does it smell when you fart in the Iron Man suit?” But he just turned around and kept shouting, “I’m not Robert Downy Jr. you asshole!” He was pretty mean. I was going to take it personally, but then I realized that he can’t acknowledge that he is Robert Downy Jr., because then everyone will bug him and ask him for autographs at the theater! Don’t worry, Rob. I hear you loud and clear.

The next time I looked at the screen, I’m pretty sure Will and Son opened a zoo, like that Matt Damon (the voice of Roadrunner in ACME cartoons) movie. There were a ton of animals there, anyway.

What I liked about After Earth:
Father/Son Duo. I love when actors’ kids get into the “family business.” My friends tried to tell me acting isn’t a family business, so I shoved Will and Jaden Smith into their faces. Donald Sutherland (Now That’s What I Call Music series) and Keifer Sutherland (The Apprentice) are two more. Bam! Suck it, friends!
Animals. Some movies don’t have any animals! I like the way they had them here. I think Will Smith probably hand-picked most of them, like Noah picking out the animals for the arc. I’m sure giraffes wanted to be in the movie, but Will probably said something clever like, “Whoa, got enough neck?” And then the producers realized how stupid giraffes look and kept them out. I liked that part.
I didn’t spill my popcorn. Usually during action movies I jump up and spill my popcorn, most of the time on a stranger sitting in front of me. They almost always get mad, but hey, that’s the risk you take when you come to the theater. Don’t blame me because your stupid wife sat there.

What I didn’t like:
No Robert Downy Jr. When I saw him in my theater, I really got in the mood for some Rob! Pretty disappointing he wasn’t in After Earth. Throw him in!
Mars. I thought this movie was going to be about Mars, and it wasn’t. If I could go to Mars I would, and I’d draw a big wiener in the sand on the surface. Then when nerds looked at it with their telescopes, they’d see a big wiener! Ha! The joke’s on you, nerds!
No Matt Damon. After Will and Son opened the zoo, I’m surprised they didn’t take advantage of their Hollywood connections and get Matt to come help; I mean, he’s the best in the biz! Whenever I’m at the zoo, I always ask people what parts they thought Matt Damon designed. Most people just look at me weird, probably thinking “All of it, dude. This zoo is so Damon.” To which I fully agree.

I liked this movie. It was probably the best movie about the end of the world starring Will Smith and his son that I’ve ever seen. I give it 5 out of 5 high-fives. I’ll see you at the theater, I’ll be the one brushing my teeth in my bathroom.

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