I don’t have that much to do at work today, and my boss told me to “look busy” until he can find something for me. So, I’ve decided to recreate the fantastic dream I had last night. Here we go.
So I don’t know how many of you have seen Inception with Leo DiCaprio (Night at the Roxbury and Titanic 3D), but in it the intricacies of dreams are explored. Leo always has a dreidel with him in the movie, and he spins it all the time to see if he’s actually dreaming or not; if it keeps spinning (thus defying Isaac Newton’s Gravity), he’s in a dream; and if it topples over, he’s not. I bet he spins one in real life too, and when it falls over he’s thinks, “My life’s like a dream but it’s not,” and then he has sex with 2-3 women (minimum). Do you think when Leo was drawing that naked girl in Titanic 3D he kept on screwing up the drawing so he could look at her lady-parts longer? I bet he did. Leo’s such a rascal.
Anyway, my dream took place in a casino. I don’t know for sure, but I have reason to believe that it was a riverboat casino; no evidence, but I think my dream-self would like the atmosphere. Gambling and sailing?! Sign me up, and please start referring to me as “Captain.” But I wasn’t gambling alone, because it’s not smart to lose money unless your friends are there to confirm how close you were to winning. That way you can say that yes, you lost $500, but you almost won like, $1 million. That’s the way friendship works. I’d say 60% of being my friend involves coming up with, or supporting my telling other people that I was closer to winning than I actually was.
In my dream, I was with my friends Tim, Nate, JJ, and Dan. We were gambling and shit, and I think Dan even made out with a couple of overweight women. But it was a dream, so I can’t be sure. I don’t remember the ins and outs of the dream with incredible clarity, but I do remember that we all had a little dance that we did whenever we won money. We would all get up and say that we were members of the Pony Express, and shout “EXPRESS DELIVERY!” Then we’d gallop around the table playing “Duck, Duck, Goose;” but we called it “Buck, Buck, Noose,” and when you lost you had to mime being hung from a noose.
Sidebar: Let me say that in the dream, Dan lost every single game of “Buck, Buck, Noose” that we played. And we were raking in the cash, so we played a lot of games. Dan lost every one.
Don’t ask me why we were doing this, because I don’t know. Even in the highly unlikely event that a casino would allow such frivolity to take place on the floor, I doubt we would submit to such public humiliation. But in dreams, there are no rules. Everything goes.
We ran into numerous A-list celebrities, each of which congratulated us on our outstanding playing skill. Tom Cruise came and bet the pair of Aviators that he wore throughout Top Gun, and multiple times while having sex with Katie Holmes, on a hand of blackjack. Needless to say, JJ won those. I asked Tom after why he wore the glasses while he was banging Holmes, to which he replied, “I did it for Goose.”
Since it was my dream, Nic Cage and the rest of the cast of the National Treasure movies showed up and played some roulette with us. Every time the ball landed, Nic would cheer and high-five everyone, even though he never won, not even once. After a while Tim told him he wasn’t winning, but Nic just laughed and said “I LOVE this kid!”
It was getting toward the end of the night, and we were collecting our winnings; over $10,000 for everyone, except Dan of course. We were walking back to our respective rooms when we found this guy with four actual horses. If you think we didn’t buy the horses from the guy on the spot you’re wrong. Dead wrong.
We bought these horses and I named mine Herbert Hoofer (of course). I don’t remember what Tim, Nate, or JJ named theirs, but I know Dan named his Dan. Because it was a dream, there was an obstacle course set up right outside the casino. We spent the remainder of my night’s sleep performing numerous technically difficult and physically dangerous maneuvers, all of which Herbert Hoofer tackled with great poise.
And that was my dream. Hopefully my boss will come up with something for me to do, because now I’m bored.