I’ve created a step-by-step Holiday Party Planner, to help out with any questions you or any of your family members may have!  This way, I don’t have to buy you a gift.

Is your party too quiet?  Need a way to get it started?

One easy way to kickstart the social aspect of your party is to get people arguing.  Most people love to argue, especially families.  Need a topic to debate?  Ask any girl in the room what their favorite movie is; 9 times out of 10, they’ll answer The Hunger Games.  All you have to do is loudly disagree with whatever they say, and challenge them to a race.  Any and all disagreements can be settled by a race, unless I lose (not likely).

Still looking for a way to spice up your soiree?  Tell someone that your friend Steve is going to see Grudge Match on Christmas, and tell them to spread the word.  It hasn’t even come out yet, but people already really hate that movie.  This is also an easy way to remove all Steves from your party, because nobody will want to talk to them after that.

Other argument points: gas prices, politics, Vietnam (for uncles only).

What’s next; how do I become the Holiday Host with the Most?

Popular activities often include a board game, which usually leads to a physical altercation of some kind.  Whichever friend(s) are losing will disagree with the rules approximately 8 times, and usually end up quitting “this gay fucking game.”  I recommend Catch Phrase, which is cheap, fun, and easy to play drunk, plus I always win at Catch Phrase so it works out.

White Elephant is a fun, cheap way to stick someone at the party with a really shitty gift.  All you have to do is tell everyone to bring a gift, $40 minimum, to exchange at the party.  Then buy a throw pillow or something; this will ensure that one person will end up with the throw pillow in the end.  It will also establish that person as the loser of the party, which is important to do.  Every party needs its lovable loser (unless that’s me, in which case we have to start White Elephant over).

But what party do I have?  How should my party feel?

Some of the biggest questions surrounding holiday parties deal with their ambiance.  Too often, party-throwers get torn between classiness and debauchery, which is a HUGE no-no.  Oftentimes this is encountered at company parties, when Bill takes seven tequila shooters and smacks your boss’ ass “because this is Christmas.”  Here’s some stuff to make sure the right type of butt-grabbing takes place at yours.
Classy parties:

  1. Play Josh Groban.  As the embodiment of class and talent for generations of Americans, a heavy dose of Josh will be sure to give your get-together the pomp and elegance you’ve been searching for.  Plus you can impress everyone by hitting the high notes in “You Raise Me Up.”
  2. Wear a Santa hat.  There can only be ONE Santa hat at any given party.  By wearing it, you’re establishing that you are, in fact, the King of the party, and anything you say goes.  You can also get people to sit on your lap (hopefully girls).
  3. Gift bags.  This is Christmas after all, right?  Treat your guests to a pleasant surprise by giving them each something to remember the party by.  Helpful tip: if you wait to give them out until your patrons leave, they won’t realize that their new iPads are just empty boxes until they get home.

Not-so-classy parties:

  1. Play (more) Josh Groban.  I know this is in the classy section; but there ain’t nothin’ like getting sauced with some Groban blasting in the background.  You really can’t go wrong with the Grobes.
  2. Festive drinks.  An easy way to separate your shindig from the rest of the pack is to supply ingredients for some holiday drinks.  Eggnog, a Christmas classic, and peppermint schnapps are cheap (and effective) ways to make your party the envy of St. Nick, and get that hot girl drunk enough to talk to you even though you challenged her to a race earlier.
  3. Festive drinking games.  The best way to consume festive beverages is to slam them with friends.  So throw on A Christmas Story and finish your drink every time Ralphie cries.

If all else fails, just get really drunk.  After all, there is no such thing as a bad party you can’t remember.  Also, be sure to invite me to any (all) parties you throw, because I don’t really have anything to do that night.


One thought on “Christmas

  1. Pingback: A Sociopath’s Guide to the Holidays | thisisirrelevant

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