Resolutions.

Everyone struggles with their New Year’s resolutions; it’s just a fact of life.  Why?  Because eating that candy bar is a lot tastier than eating a salad, sitting on the couch feels a lot better than running, and watching your neighbors undress through the window is a lot more fun than reading some stupid book.  It’s just science, people.

Lucky for you, I’m here to set you straight.  Throughout the years, I’ve developed a system to keep myself in check; and I want to spread some knowledge.  Next time you get that urge to eat that Snickers, try to remember these tips.

  1. Threaten yourself.  If there’s one thing I’ve learned in movies and/or college, it’s that people respond to threats.  What’s that?  Don’t want to run that mile?  What if I told you I had your family hostage, and you had to run to keep them alive?  Don’t freak out; I don’t have your family (yet).  But if you can put yourself into that mindset; that maybe, just maybe, something really bad would happen if you didn’t run that mile, gosh darnit, I bet you run farther and faster than you ever have!  The power of the human spirit is phenomenal.
  2. Reward yourself.  After all, the point of a resolution is to become a better person!  What’s better than rewarding someone for accomplishing their goals?  I can’t think of anything, except for maybe a million dollars.  I bet if Brad Pitt could see you running that mile, he’d be so proud.  He’d probably be proud enough to give you a role in his next feature length action movie.  Wow.  See what you just did?  You just turned running a mile into a co-starring role with Brad Pitt.  I knew you could do it.
  3. Threaten other people.  This step should only be used as a last resort.  If you’ve threatened and rewarded yourself and you’re still having trouble, it’s time to pull out the big guns.  Literally.  Buy a firearm, go to your neighbor’s house, and threaten their kids.  Tell them that if they don’t make sure you run every single day, something bad is going to happen.  Guess who just got themselves a new personal trainer?!  This is a HUGE step.  Now you’ll have someone to push you further and further, until finally, you can tell them that their kids are safe, for now.  It’s amazing what we can do with the right motivation.

That’s it!  Three easy ways to make sure 2014 is the Year of You!  Feel free to share some of your success stories here!  Oh, and by the way…you’re looking slimmer already.

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