I was bored the other day, so I started thinking (always dangerous). I asked myself, “If I sent a letter to a foreign person claiming to be someone famous, how would they be able to tell it wasn’t actually from Jude Law?” Answer: they couldn’t.
So, I decided to write a letter to a person or persons unknown and claim that I am, in fact, Tobey Maguire.
Now in reality, nobody would actually believe that they’d get a letter in the mail from a movie star; everybody uses email these days. But what the hell, why not? Worst case scenario: Francois gets some bogus letter and throws it out. Best case scenario: Francois realizes that Tobey Maguire is, in fact, a no-talent horse’s ass.
Here it is.
This is Tobey Maguire. I know; you’re probably saying, “Holy shit! That guy’s the man! Why is he writing to a nobody like me?” Yes, you are a nobody. And yes, I am a motion picture star. I like writing to you so I can tell you just how awesome I really am. What follows is 100% true.
- I can drink five Smirnoff Ice’s before I get drunk, and can usually finish off the six-pack if I’m really feeling naughty. Then I put on women’s dresses so I can feel a breeze down by my very small privates.
- I have a cardboard cutout of Flo from the Progressive commercials in my room. She is my perfect woman.
- Sometimes I go downtown and verbally abuse people who have less money than I do, because I can and I enjoy it.
- I watch my elderly neighbors change clothes.
- I often go to Chuck-E-Cheese and refuse to leave until they let me play in the ball pit, alone.
- I enjoy looking at pictures of scantily clad men, not because I’m homosexual but because I am a keen observer of the human experience.
- I drive at or below the speed limit at all times; not to obey the law, but to infuriate people who might be driving behind me.
- I pour out plastic water bottles and refuse to recycle.
- After we finished shooting Seabiscuit, I made them put down the horse we used for all the filming. I had him stuffed and now use him as a drying rack for my deep V-neck shirts.
- I eat a ton of asparagus, go to the movies, and pee my pants so everyone has to smell it.
- I once worked at a Chick-Fil-A, and I loved my job.
- I call cough drops, “lozenges.”
- I go to malls during the holidays and do my best to expose mall Santa’s for fakes. Then I tell every small child within shouting distance that Santa isn’t real.
- I make dinner reservations for large parties at very busy restaurants, make sure they set my large table up, and then neglect to show up.
- I throw myself birthday parties.