My name. Is Tobey.

I was bored the other day, so I started thinking (always dangerous).  I asked myself, “If I sent a letter to a foreign person claiming to be someone famous, how would they be able to tell it wasn’t actually from Jude Law?”  Answer: they couldn’t.

So, I decided to write a letter to a person or persons unknown and claim that I am, in fact, Tobey Maguire.

Now in reality, nobody would actually believe that they’d get a letter in the mail from a movie star; everybody uses email these days.  But what the hell, why not?  Worst case scenario: Francois gets some bogus letter and throws it out.  Best case scenario: Francois realizes that Tobey Maguire is, in fact, a no-talent horse’s ass.

Here it is.

Dear Fan(s),

This is Tobey Maguire.  I know; you’re probably saying, “Holy shit!  That guy’s the man!  Why is he writing to a nobody like me?”  Yes, you are a nobody.  And yes, I am a motion picture star.  I like writing to you so I can tell you just how awesome I really am.  What follows is 100% true.

  • I can drink five Smirnoff Ice’s before I get drunk, and can usually finish off the six-pack if I’m really feeling naughty.  Then I put on women’s dresses so I can feel a breeze down by my very small privates.
  • I have a cardboard cutout of Flo from the Progressive commercials in my room.  She is my perfect woman.
  • Sometimes I go downtown and verbally abuse people who have less money than I do, because I can and I enjoy it.
  • I watch my elderly neighbors change clothes.
  • I often go to Chuck-E-Cheese and refuse to leave until they let me play in the ball pit, alone.
  • I enjoy looking at pictures of scantily clad men, not because I’m homosexual but because I am a keen observer of the human experience.
  • I drive at or below the speed limit at all times; not to obey the law, but to infuriate people who might be driving behind me.
  • I pour out plastic water bottles and refuse to recycle.
  • After we finished shooting Seabiscuit, I made them put down the horse we used for all the filming.  I had him stuffed and now use him as a drying rack for my deep V-neck shirts.
  • I eat a ton of asparagus, go to the movies, and pee my pants so everyone has to smell it.
  • I once worked at a Chick-Fil-A, and I loved my job.
  • I call cough drops, “lozenges.”
  • I go to malls during the holidays and do my best to expose mall Santa’s for fakes.  Then I tell every small child within shouting distance that Santa isn’t real.
  • I make dinner reservations for large parties at very busy restaurants, make sure they set my large table up, and then neglect to show up.
  • I throw myself birthday parties.

Warm regards,

Tobey M


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