I saw Her over the weekend.  That’s the movie with Joaquin Phoenix (Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy) and the voice of Scarlett Johansson (Iron Man, 3D).  I like the name Joaquin Phoenix, because it sounds like the name of someone who would know karate, and be able to teach me karate.  Then I could go to the guy who laughed at me for spilling my pop on my pants and really teach him a lesson.  Nice black eye, bro.

Her is about how Joaquin Phoenix wants to have sex with his computer.  He talks to it a lot, and Scarlett Johansson talks back to him.  Then he finds out his computer’s cheating on him and talking to other dudes, so he gets sad and cries a lot.  That’s pretty much the entire movie.  I’ve never wanted to have sex with my computer, because I think that’d hurt.  I think deep down Joaquin Phoenix knew he wasn’t going to be able to have sex with his computer, but kept trying because he’s not a quitter.  I once tried to date a girl for like a whole year, and I didn’t quit either.  Every day I’d wave to her, and she called me a “freak,” probably because she was scared of the strong feelings she had for me.  She ended up calling her “boyfriend” on me, and he beat me up real good.  So been there, done that, Joaquin.  If you could teach me some of that karate soon, I need some pointers.

I really liked Her.  It was probably the best movie about wanting to have sex with a computer that I’ve ever seen.

Here are some things I liked:

–          Mustache.  Joaquin Phoenix has a mustache in this movie and it’s really cool.  You often find mustaches on policemen, who are super badass.  Maybe Joaquin was an undercover cop the whole time?  Who knows; you can never put anything past Joaquin.

–          Technology.  This movie is set in the future, where computers pretty much do everything for us.  I wish I had a computer that did everything for me.  I’d ask him to talk in a Joaquin Phoenix voice, and we’d be best pals.  Then I could ask him about all the computer sex he was having now that he’s a computer.  Nice work, buddy.

–          Pants.  This movie had a lot of weird pants, which was good because it made the fact that I spilled pop on mine not as big of a deal.  Girls might look at my pants and think I peed myself, but at least I’m not wearing dorky pants like Joaquin Phoenix is.  (Joaquin, if you’re reading this, I didn’t mean it.  Cool pants dude!)

I thought they could have done a few things better, too:

–          Thirsty.  Since I spilled my pop before the movie started, I was really thirsty the whole time.  I kept asking the guy sitting behind me if I could have a sip of his, but he told me to shut up and stop bothering him.  Then I untied his shoes and he moved seats.  I think the movie would have been better if I wasn’t so thirsty.

–          Technology.  I know I said that I liked the technology in the movie, but then I remembered I, Robot, a movie with Will Smith about how robots kill humans a lot.  I don’t want Scarlett Johansson killing me!  Stay away, technology.

–          Brad Pitt.  I know it’s a movie, but they didn’t mention Brad Pitt even once the whole time.  A world without Brad Pitt?  That isn’t believable at all.

Overall, I give Her four out of five mousepads.  See you at the movies!  I’ll be the guy asking them to let me in for free.


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