Some people say that Valentine’s Day is just a dumb holiday invented to sell greeting cards, but as many of you know, in reality it was created for any husbands who screw up (all husbands). “Don’t be mad at me, it’s Valentine’s Day! Look, chocolates.” I wish there was a Valentine’s Day for bosses, because mine is pretty pissed I ate her sandwich.
A lot of people really like Valentine’s Day, and a lot of people really hate Valentine’s Day. It’s kind of like the Vin Diesel of days. People hate Vin Diesel, but he’s super badass (see: Fast Then Furious franchise, The Pacifier), so a lot of people love him too. Nowadays, when people hate or love something, they take to social media and tell everyone about it even though they probably shouldn’t. I had a friend who really loved pickles, so he posted a bunch of pictures about it and now we don’t hang out, because that’s weird.
Here are a few things you’re bound to see on Valentine’s Day.
Pictures of food. Regardless of whether you are fan of Valentine’s Day, you’re probably going to see a lot of pictures of food from people on dates. It’s estimated that 95% of Valentine’s Day interactions are between two people sitting across from each other, looking at their phones.
The couple who’s in love on Facebook. Some people love each other so much that they need to “shout it from the rooftops.” With so many people getting together/splitting up, it’s tough keeping track of who’s truly in love. Thankfully, these couples are here to let us know. Advice: don’t shout anything from the rooftops, because your neighbor Steve will probably call the police.
The girl who got flowers. Did you get flowers? Because she did! Like many relationships, flowers are expensive, great on Valentine’s Day, and die a week later. I gave a girl flowers once, but she saw me ripping them out of her garden and called me a jerk. Whatever. Have fun with your plants, hippie.
The single person who “needs to drink.” Many people don’t need an excuse to drink, but it always helps to have one in case the police come. Using Valentine’s Day as an excuse is fun, because then you can play Eamon’s “Don’t Want You Back” and people don’t tell you to turn it off as much as they usually do. Advice: whatever you do, don’t let people see you cry when you play it or someone (my friend Bill) will make fun of you for a really long time.
The couple hater. Some smart guy (probably Ben Franklin) said “for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.” So, for every “I love my boyfriend” tweet, there’s bound to be a “Couples suck” counterpart. I read somewhere that Ben Franklin was a jerk. Apparently he used to cheat on his wife, and he even did it on Valentine’s Day. No thanks, jerk.
The person whose valentine is better than yours. A lot of the time girls like to brag about how their valentine is “better than yours.” How do they know? I’m going to get a super buff valentine this year, to beat up other valentines. Whose valentine is better now? Dummy.
Brad Pitt. This one doesn’t have a lot to do with Valentine’s Day; I just really like Brad Pitt. Maybe I’ll see Brad this year, but I doubt it. He could come over and play video games, and then we could reenact the sword scenes from Troy. Brad and I make a great team, you guys.