After one glorious month, we’ve reached the end of the Olympics, and I think I speak for everyone when I say: wow. What a wild ride. Reminds me of a movie I once saw; Wild Hogs. It’s about a bunch of old guys who literally go for a wild ride, on the back of some seriously cool hogs (motorcycles). The whole movie is pretty much a Viagra commercial. The director’s cut was the same exact movie, but with John Travolta saying “Wow, check out that wild hog,” every time someone got on a Harley.
Anyway, the 2014 Winter Olympics were held in a Russian town called Sochi. Did you guys know it existed before the Olympics? Me neither. Russia seems like a really cool place to visit, for like twenty minutes. I once heard that the only people that hate Russia more than Americans are Russians themselves, because they live there. Vladimir Putin, the Russian President, spent over $50 billion to create the infrastructure and amenities that were on display at the Winter Games, and even that wasn’t enough to make Russia look great. $50 billion?! That’s more than I make in a whole year! I thought Sochi itself was okay, because if I was from there I could probably get away with calling it, “Sochill” and I bet nobody would challenge me on it.
“Where are you from?”
“Sochill. It’s so chill, bro.”
That’d be cool.
Everyone from the United States loves the Olympics, because it’s a great way to show other countries we’re better than them at sports. Our economy and political governing system might be in the shitter, but we’re faster than you at skating, Norway! Ha! Suck it, Norway!
There were a ton of events on display, like over one thousand probably. These were my favorites:
- Ice Hockey
- Curling (Ice Shuffleboard)
- Snowshoe Racing
- Snow Boards
- Surviving Russia
- Disney on Ice
I also really liked that a lot of the foreign athletes had the same name. If I was there I’d yell out, “Hey! Vladimir!” and I bet like, 20 people would turn around. Then we’d all laugh and go out for Cold Stone Creamery, because it’s delicious. It’d be a real touching moment, you guys. Someone tried to tell me they don’t have Cold Stone Creameries in Russia, but I don’t think that’s true. Even if they don’t have them there, I’m sure they would have flown some in for the athletes. $50 billion and not a single Cold Stone? Ha, yeah right.
All in all, the Olympics were a ton of fun! We finished second to Russia for total medals, but who needs medals when you’ve got freedom!