A lot of shows (Prison Break, Keeping Up With The Kardashians, etc.) concern being a prison bitch. I haven’t done much in my life to land me in prison, but I have thought about doing some pretty shady stuff before. One time I ding-dong ditched my neighbors for like a week straight, because I’m a rebel without a cause.
If I was ever going to land myself in the clink, I’d want it to be for something really awesome, something that would impress the other inmates when I got in there. You know what I’d do? I’d go to George Clooney’s house, steal his Oscars, and spray-paint something like “More like George Looney” or “Clooney Tunes” or “How does Damon’s dick taste” on his most expensive car. He wouldn’t like me when I did it, but I think in time he’d realize how truly badass it was to do that and forgive me. Then he’d send me letters while I was in jail and tell me about all his good times hanging out with Brad Pitt. Then, if someone tried to stab me while I was in the pen, I could tell them all about it and show him my Clooney letters. Nobody wants to fuck with the guy who fucked with George Clooney.
I figure if I ever went to jail, right when I got in I’d start singing “The Boys Are Back In Town” and/or talking about The Wire, which are probably the two most badass, prison-smart moves you can make when you’re the new guy. This would not only illustrate my knowledge of classic rock anthems, but let everyone know that I’ve probably been to jail before, because I’m “Back In Town.” I might be able to hold my own in prison; I’m pretty fast, so I doubt the bigger guys would be able to catch me on the yard1. I’m also not a very picky eater, so I think I could handle jail food. I’d even eat a hamburger plain if that’s what it took to prove myself, even though I prefer them with ketchup and mustard. Sometimes you have to sacrifice when you’re doing hard time.
In prison, a lot of things are traded. Cigarettes, for instance, can buy you almost anything in prison; food, alcohol, even other men’s buttholes. I’m not a smoker, so any cigarettes I stumbled across I’d trade for stuff. I’d probably trade them for another man’s butthole, but only to protect my own butthole from strange dicks. I’d save up and buy some guy named Chip, so when a big guy came up to me in the shower and attempted to sodomize me, I could just say, “Get away from my privates. Go fuck Chip, that’s what he’s there for.” I wouldn’t be proud of it, but sometimes you’ve got to throw your pride to the wind when your butthole security is threatened.
If I’m being honest with myself though, in prison I’d be somebody’s bitch. This is just a fact. 100%. Many of my personal characteristics, while not necessarily bitch-like on the outside2, would land me right on somebody’s lap in the joint.
– I’m pretty non-confrontational. Let’s face it; if you change the channel when I’m watching Antiques Roadshow, I’m gonna get in your face just like any other red-blooded American would. But I can see myself kind of going with the flow in prison, where going with the flow usually results in something being thrust into your body against your will (i.e. a toothbrush knife, a fist, a penis).
– I can’t grow a beard. This would present a pretty large problem in prison, where big men with names like “Tank” and “Brick” are going to try to have rough sex with my face. I have a fairly effeminate face, which is pretty much the most fuckable thing that exists in the prison system, and I feel that growing a beard might make me look more rugged and non-bitch looking. Not happening.
– I’m way too white. This isn’t to say that being non-white is a bad thing; I’m not a racist. I’m just saying, things like drinking hot chocolate and petting dogs and loving ice hockey tend to get you killed in prison; and those happen to be three of my all-time favorite activities.
Maybe I’m wrong about prison. Maybe inmates love hot chocolate, and dudes without beards, and playing checkers in the park. But I think I’m pretty safe in assuming that prison isn’t the place for me.
1 “The yard” is what hardened criminals like me call the area where the guards let us work out or play sports. It’s also where the vast majority of stabbings and prison rapes occur.
2 “The outside” refers to freedom, or outside of the prison walls. It’s a place where rape is neither allowed nor tolerated, which is why most prisoners end up back inside, where rape is pretty much the status quo.