I’m going to type something right now, something I know you guys will initially scoff at but something that I believe to be completely true:
Stephen Hawking could get you to suck his dick.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: no. No way. No fucking way in the fucking world would I touch that mangled genitalia with any part of my body, let alone my mouth. I know you’re thinking that, because I thought that too. To be fair, I have no idea if Stephen Hawking’s dick is mangled or not. No idea. For all I know, he’s got the best looking package in the world. After all, who would know? I don’t know that anyone out there is privy to that information, even Hawking himself. Maybe his nurse? I’ll do some research.
But I’m getting sidetracked. Obviously, nobody wants to slob on the Hawking knob. Notice that I’m not being gender-specific, as I’m making a blanket statement that pertains to everyone, everywhere. In the bizarre chance that somebody who does find this an attractive opportunity is actually reading my blog, you can go ahead and pat yourself on the back for being the bravest person I know. But to the situation at hand.
Imagine that one day; while you’re out shopping or eating ice cream or playing backgammon or some shit; a big black car pulls up and you’re thrown into the back by somebody with huge muscles, like Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. At this point, you’re probably both scared and a little excited. Why would you be excited after being kidnapped? You’re in a car with Dwayne fucking Johnson, that’s why you’d be excited. Don’t lie to me and tell me you’re not excited, you little liar. You’re excited as shit.
Anyway, you’re brought to Stephen Hawking. I cannot speak as to the relationship between Stephen Hawking and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, as I know neither personally. Maybe The Rock body slammed Hawking into his current physical state, leaving his body broken but genius mind unaltered; not a very difficult thing to imagine if you’re as familiar with the Fast and Furious franchise as I am. Maybe they’re starring in TLC reality show called The Rock and The Hawk, pitting brawn against brains. Maybe Hawking just loves University of Miami football alumni. We may never know. Point is, they’re now business associates, and they are determined to get Hawking’s D into your M.
You’d have a black bag placed over your head, as is often the case in movies where this kind of shit goes down. It’d probably be made of some super badass material, to let you know you were dealing with a high roller; something like silk or cashmere or a material only available to the even more rich and badass. You’d be thrown down at Hawking’s feet, at which point The Rock would lay out this scenario:
– There’s an alien attack heading for earth, one which international governing bodies and geniuses have known about for some time, but which remains a secret to the public.
– If the aliens attack, they will destroy everything; everything except the Dippin’ Dots factories, because it’s the ice cream of the future so aliens definitely eat that shit; and make all the humans slaves. Sex slaves, probably.
– Stephen Hawking has both the tools and know-how to prevent the alien attack, but he doesn’t really care because his quality of life is terrible anyway. The man can’t even put syrup on his own fucking pancakes.
– He has agreed to prevent the attack, under one condition: you have to suck his dick.
Sidebar: I know that there are a number of plot holes in this scenario; you could beat Hawking up and steal the info, befriend The Rock and convince him to beat up the alien race with his bare hands which he could totally do no questions asked because he’s The Rock, etc. Don’t be a jerk. I’m saying, for the sake of argument, that Stephen Hawking is the only person in the world capable of stopping an alien race from taking over our planet. And he’ll only do so if you give him a beej.
Now I’m sure at this point, you’d do what any self-respecting human being would do: tell Hawking to suck his own dick, if he can even make it down there, which you highly doubt, flip him double birds, and go form a rock band which you’ve always wanted to do but never had time to. Then the alien attack would happen, we’d all be forced into slavery, and you could spend the rest of your days cursing Stephen Hawking with the rest of the human race. You’d take Hawking’s Dick Deal to the grave, and nobody would be the wiser.
But let’s say anonymity wasn’t possible. Everyone knows The Hawk asked you to salt his nuts, even your grandma, and she doesn’t even know how to use the internet. When you refuse, every person in the world will know you’re the guy that wouldn’t suck a single penis to save the Earth. In fact, when the aliens take over, you’ll probably get mouth raped in the shower, prison style. Is that what you want? A prison style mouth-raping? Wow. All of a sudden, that decision isn’t so easy. You can preserve the current state of the human race, and you won’t touch even a single dick to do it? Do you know how many dicks have been in the world? Quite literally billions of dicks. And you can’t do one? Shame on you.
So yeah, when I say that I think Stephen Hawking could get you to suck his dick, I think I’m telling the truth. You’d get down on your knees and do it; for your family, for America, for the fucking world. You’d be hailed as “The Man (or Woman) With The Golden Tongue.” Movies would be made in your honor. Brad Pitt would invite you to his birthday party. Brad Pitt’s fucking birthday party! The Rock would be questioned about his part in the whole affair, but he would be let off scot-free after telling everyone exactly what he’d been cooking for all those years. Spoiler alert: it was green eggs and ham. He’d been cooking green eggs and ham. Stephen Hawking would probably be shot, and for good reason. What a selfish asshole.
Yeah, you would suck that dick.
Me? Would I suck Stephen Hawking’s dick? Hell no. That shit’s disgusting.