The zoo should be a magical place. For one, there are animals from quite literally all over the world. Lions, tigers, snakes, sea turtles, eels; you name it, they probably have it. Majestic beasts as far as the eye can see! Also, they have ice cream. Like a lot of it. I really don’t see how you could screw up a place that has both ice cream and boa constrictors. It’s almost impossible to do. But they did it.
Sidebar: Matt Damon bought a zoo for his family in the major motion picture, We Bought A Zoo. Matt Damon’s got a lot of cash, and if he’s out buying zoos for his kids they’re probably awesome. Matt Damon does nothing that is not awesome, and Matt Damon bought a zoo. It is reasonable to assume that if Matt Damon bought a zoo, Matt Damon visited a zoo.
– Matt Damon only does awesome things.
– Matt Damon visited a zoo.
– Therefore, visiting a zoo is an awesome thing to do.
The first thing I saw when I entered the zoo was a giant monkey cage filled with chimpanzees. I should’ve known right then and there that this zoo was bullshit, because the monkeys didn’t have a single banana; not one. No sight of a banana anywhere in the cage. I’ve seen The Jungle Book, I’ve seen MVP: Most Valuable Primate. I know how this shit is supposed to go down. Aside from bugs and probably their fair share of feces, bananas are pretty much all monkeys eat. Speaking of feces, there was a serious lack of it being thrown around by the chimps. I don’t know where these clowns at the zoo got their chimps, but it’s pretty difficult to imagine any REAL chimpanzee going less than 5 minutes without either eating a banana or throwing a pile of poop at something.
I made a mental note to come back and check on the chimps later. If there wasn’t a big shit fight going on when I returned, I was going to speak to the administration as to the validity of their monkeys.
I decided to head to the polar bear exhibit (because fuck yeah, polar bears), and when I got there the guide told me I couldn’t feed the bears Coca-Cola. Bad start to the day. He said it wasn’t safe, and that polar bears don’t even drink sodas. Said the plastic bottle was a “health concern” for the bears. Yeah, okay. Watch a Coke commercial and then tell me bears don’t drink soda, Mr. Expert. As far as the bottle goes, they have no problem twisting the cap off on TV, and I told him so. I told him to offer the bear a Coke, and let the bear decide. I bet that bear would’ve loved an ice cold carbonated beverage. The guy was an idiot. I told him that if he was so smart and knowledgeable about the polar bears he would wrestle one right then and there, which of course he didn’t. Zoo security showed up after about 15 minutes and forcibly removed me from the exhibit. They said there were reports of a man heckling the staff, and that I was endangering both myself and my fellow zoo patrons; but I know they just took me away because I exposed that guy as a big pussy.
That was a pretty big letdown. I was really looking forward to offering those bears a delicious beverage, because I’ve seen how much they enjoy them in the TV spots. It’s fucking adorable. And that ass-clown got me thrown out of the exhibit. But I wasn’t going to let it get me down. There were hundreds of other animals in the zoo, and besides, I could do a little drive-by and toss the bottle of Coke into the polar bear tank as I was walking out. Those bears were going to get their soda, dammit.
I picked myself up and headed over to the Bengal tiger pen. If polar bears are an 8/10 on the animal scale of awesomeness, Bengal tigers are probably an 8.5. Now that it comes to it, I would pay good money to see a fight between a polar bear and a Bengal tiger. I would also place a good deal of money on the tiger to win, because I’m not an idiot. If polar bears are that easily distracted by Coca-Cola, a well-placed soda could decide that entire match. I’d put my money on the tiger, throw a Coke into the ring about halfway through, and rake in the mula (fancy word for $) when the tiger destroyed.
I’m getting distracted. Anyway as badass as the tigers are, I’ve got beef with the Bengal tigers, because nine times out of ten they’re just shut up in their caves. I drive all the way out to the zoo, spend money to get in, and almost never see a tiger in action. It’s really selfish of the tigers, if you think about it. It’d be like going to a Broadway show just to see Bette Midler eat Wheat Thins on a couch or something. Thankfully, the tigers were on their A-game that day. There were a few out and about, playing with sticks and rocks and doing tons of other shit that tigers love to do; all of it infinitely badass.
I was watching two cubs wrestle when I looked up and saw an Indian staff member making his way into the pen with a huge bucket of tiger food. I couldn’t tell what was in the bucket, but I bet it was 4-5 boxes of Frosted Flakes (minimum). As the Indian man was turning to leave the pen, I shouted out that he should do a Life of Pi remake. The man turned around and tossed up his hand, waving me away. He didn’t get it.
I started explaining the concept to him. “You know, the one with the tiger and the Indian guy?”
He continued walking away. “On that boat?”
He was shaking his head. Maybe he didn’t hear me. “SIR, THE ONE WHERE HE’S STRANDED ON THE OCEAN WITH THE TIGER. SIR? THAT MOVIE WITH THE INDIAN GUY WHO-”
Again, security was brought to the exhibit. As they led me away from what was quickly becoming a crowd in front of the Bengal tiger pen, they said that they wouldn’t tolerate racial insults being directed toward zoo staff members.
I was incredulous.
“Racial insults? Come on, you guys know as well as I do that guy looked just like that kid from the movie. Who let that guy work the tiger pen anyway?! They’re the bad guy here, they’re the one that you guys should go after. Let’s pay THAT racist a visit! Oh, and you guys know you’ve got a total amateur working the polar bear exhibit, right? AND fake monkeys?”
They didn’t see it my way. They informed me that if I was caught harassing any more of the zoo staff, they would be forced to remove me from the premises and file an official police report. I assured them it wouldn’t happen, and that this was all just a big misunderstanding.
I was intending to save the grey wolf exhibit for the last stop on my zoo tour, for obvious reasons; wolves are scientifically the most badass animals in the world. But in light of the incidents at the polar bear exhibit and tiger pen, I needed a pick-me-up. I decided to trek over and view the most majestic beasts in the entire place. I had even worn my three-wolf shirt that day, to show the wolves that I, too, am capable of serious amounts of badass shit.
However, after walking around forever (15 minutes), I couldn’t find the wolf pen anywhere. I had built up a good amount of resentment toward the zoo staff at this point, but this wasn’t the time to be a proud man. The wolves needed me, and to a much higher degree I needed the wolves. I went up to a female employee and asked very politely if she could direct me towards the wolf exhibit.
She told me there was no wolf exhibit.
I stared at her for a good thirty seconds without speaking, and then relief broke over me. Surely, this was a clever ruse concocted by the administration. They had seen my passion for animals at both the polar bear and tiger exhibits before this, and they were having a laugh at my expense.
“No, really,” I said, “if you could tell me where the wolves are located, I’d really appreciate it.” I pointed at my shirt. “As you can see, I’m a big fan.”
“Sir, I’m afraid we don’t have any wolves in this zoo,” she said.
No wolves? What kind of shit eating zoo doesn’t have wolves?
“What kind of shit eating zoo doesn’t have wolves?” I asked loudly.
“What kind of shit eating zoo doesn’t have wolves?” I repeated. People were starting to stare.
“WHAT KIND OF SHIT EATING ZOO DOESN’T HAVE WOLVES?
They threw me out of the zoo.