I saw Godzilla over the weekend. You know, that’s the one with the huge dinosaur who hates Asian people. I thought going into it that the premise was a little racist, but then I thought hey, everyone’s a little racist now and then. Most grandparents still don’t like people their own skin color. Maybe Godzilla was a grandparent? I had to find out.
The night started out great, because I found a parking spot right in front of the theater. The space said it was reserved for a guy named Valet, but I decided I’d just tell everyone I was Mr. Valet if they asked; I’m a bit of a wild card like that. When I got out of my car this guy said I had to give him my keys so he could park my car for me. I said, “Thanks, guy, but I’ve got the parking thing covered. I’m Mr. Valet.” He told me it was his job and that I couldn’t leave my car there; he was clearly a little slow; so I tried to explain how parking spaces worked. He tried to take my keys! In the end I had to push him away and run inside. I don’t know much, but I know not to give my keys to strangers. That’s Driving 101, you guys.
I made my way into the theater and chose the best seat in the house, right in the middle. Of course, I had to threaten a few kids; but hey, sometimes the ends justify the means. There were a lot of cool actors in the movie, most of all Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad, Malcolm’s Middle). He played a dad, just like in his hit TV show, Breaking Bad. Maybe he can start a show for dads called Breaking Dad, where he plays a cool dad who breaks all the rules in a very cool way? Something to think about. There was also a guy who looked a lot like Jake Gyllenhaal in Godzilla. I don’t know his real name, but he was a decent Jake Gyllenhaal look-alike, which I’m assuming is what they were going for. The lizard killed a lot of people, most of them Asians I think. No matter how many Asians died, it never seemed like enough. In the end, Godzilla went back into the sea or whatever. I think Jake Gyllenhaal would have swam after it and killed it with his bare hands, but he was held back because people thought enough death had come of the whole ordeal. The real Jake Gyllenhaal would have never let that slide, because the real Jake Gyllenhaal is an absolute badass who’s totally capable of killing aliens and shit. Love you, Jake.
Here are three things I liked about Godzilla:
– Trains. Trains are awesome, and this movie had a good amount of trains in it. I think that the movie could’ve featured even more trains, which would have made it infinitely more badass. Trains!
– Jake Gyllenhaal. I really liked that Jake Gyllenhaal was represented as a hero in this movie. He’s a pretty good actor, and he deserved it. I hope he’s on the new Bryan Cranston show, Breaking Dad, because he’s a cool customer.
– No ghosts. There were a lot of people that died in this movie but there weren’t any ghosts, which I thought was good. I’ve been having a lot of bad dreams about ghosts lately, and I don’t know if I would’ve been able to handle a bunch of ghosts and a giant lizard. Well done!
Here are three things I thought they could’ve done better:
– No meth. I think the director missed a golden opportunity to use Cranston’s drug manufacturing experience to really liven up the movie. It’s his calling card, and I bet he could’ve whipped up enough to have the whole set hopping! A giant lizard is one thing, but a giant lizard on crystal meth? Now that’s cinema!
– Racism. I’m not a fan of racism, and I thought it was unfair that Godzilla attacked the Asians first. It just seems obtuse in this day and age to resort to race as a means by which to choose your victims. Maybe an Asian guy slept with somebody Godzilla loved? That would give him a decent reason to target Asians, I guess. I hope that’s the case, for his sake.
– No Iron Man. I know this movie wasn’t supposed to have Iron Man, but I think he could’ve lent a lot to the story. Robert Downsy, Jr. and a Jake Gyllenhaal look-alike exchanging wits would’ve been a real riot. “I’m a billionaire!” “I’m Jake Gyllenhaal!” That’s just classic.
Well, there you have it. I give Godzilla five out of five stubbed toes (I just stubbed my toe and it hurts a lot). See you at the movies! I’ll be the one asking for a sip of your Dr. Pepper 10.