Social media is pretty much the best thing to happen to the world since that meteor killed all the dinosaurs, and it might even be better than that. Without that meteor, we might not be here. And without social media, we might all still have people skills. Before social media, people talked to each other, like with their faces and mouths and stuff (ew!). Now, I consider time wasted if I’m not looking at my phone. But a lot of people aren’t using social media the way it was intended: talking about yourself, 24/7.
After all, it is social MEdia, not social YOUdia. For anyone who’s looking to pick up tips and tricks to show off online, I’ve made a little checklist of things you should consider when you’re on the internets.
Workin’ Hard, or Workin’ Harder
Do you work out? Prove it. Instagram and Facebook are tailor made so you can show off those stunning ‘ceps, bro. Zuckerberg and his nerd friends are pretty much begging you to post your routine online. Don’t be afraid to post 4 to 5 photos/videos per workout, preferably showing as much skin as possible. That’s it; flex. Do you wear a shirt when you swoll? Lose it, pussy. And don’t forget to throw as many hashtags as possible in that post. A few favorites:
Remember, with each additional hashtag you’re gaining that much more exposure. How else are strangers going to be able to look at your luscious bod? As Jessica Simpson once said, “These glutes were made for stalkin’, and that’s just what they’ll do.” No, she didn’t say that, but I did. Working out is practically your job, because chances are you actually don’t have one.
Van Gogh In The Kitchen
What are you eating? I want to know. I need to know. Did you make it yourself? Bonus points. Make sure you note that when you upload the pic of your glorified grilled cheese. Subway turned you down when you were fourteen, so you need to show those asswipes what they missed.
As far as pictures of food go, there’s no better way to let everyone out there know you have a tenuous knowledge of a microwave oven. We both know that “chicken” you grilled the other day was dryer than Clint Eastwood’s hands, but guess what? That won’t show in the picture. Get ready to reel in the likes, baby. Don’t be afraid to throw in an inspirational quote, even if you don’t know/comprehend its full meaning. “You are what you eat!” Well I guess you ate a social media maven, my cannibalistic friend.
Buzzfeed Me To Death
How am I supposed to remember significant events and culture from my childhood if they’re not put into a list and shoved into my face on social media? Did I watch Nickelodeon? I can’t remember. Oh, wait; now I can. Speaking from personal experience, I had absolutely NO idea what to do after I graduated college. It’s not like I spent the previous 21 years of my life preparing myself for the real world or anything. So it came as a huge relief when someone I barely know posted about the 20 Things I Had To Do In My 20’s. What a lifesaver. I now know that if I’m offered anything other than my dream job in the only city in the world I want to live in, I should turn it down. All thanks to you.
Oh, and if you read an article on Buzzfeed, be sure to take the “facts” presented and quote them incessantly. After all, Buzzfeed is the pinnacle of journalistic integrity. What they say is pretty much law. If one of their articles says Brad Pitt is an asshole, well then. I’m disappointed in you, Brad.
The Right Opinion
If you’ve got an opinion on anything it needs to be shared online, especially if that opinion deals with a controversial issue. Abortion, gun laws, the legalization of gay marriage; it’s all gold. Don’t know anything about the topic? Doesn’t matter. Don’t have any statistics or facts to back up your argument? Even better. Go into your iPhone, open up ‘Notes,’ and type until you’ve offended as many people as possible. Screenshot, post, wait.
All you have to do is pretend you’re really passionate about the issue, and call any and all people that disagree with you racist/sexist/wrong. “You don’t like Obama, is that because you hate gay people? You must hate African Americans then. You have to pick one, which one do you hate? You bigot.” It doesn’t make sense, but so what? If they keep coming back, attack their personal character. Pull out some really private stuff that they can’t recover from. “You don’t like the gun laws in this country, but remember that time you kissed your sister on the lips and told me about it in complete confidence?” Pat yourself on the back. You just put your former best friend in his place, and became a trusted source for anything that matters in the process, to anyone that counts.
Last but not least, we come to the people that really matter: the celebs. Nothing is worth doing if it’s not something someone famous would do. Do you think Keanu Reeves would post that picture of his lunch? Yeah? Your decision has been made for you; do it. An easy way to let people know you’re deep and thoughtful as all hell is to post a picture of a celebrity with a quote in the foreground. Notice how I said “a quote,” not “a quote from that celebrity.” You can use whatever quote you want, it doesn’t matter. Nobody knows if Marilyn Monroe said any of those things in all the photos, but nobody can prove she didn’t, either. I posted a picture with a quote from Wesley Snipes the other day. Don’t believe me?
Don’t think he said that? He probably didn’t. But hey, prove it. Maybe he really hated his neighbor Jim. We may never know for sure.
There you have it. Follow these basic guidelines, and you can’t go wrong; you’ll be racking up friends, likes, and followers in no time. Never forget: social media is a contest. You have to get more likes and retweets than your friends, or you’re pretty much the biggest loser that walks the earth.
Oh, and in case you forgot: follow me on Twitter.