Fourth of July

More like U-S-YAY!

The Fourth of July is a holiday uniquely American in its tradition.  Independence Day, as it is often called, celebrates the day that George Washington first bit into a hot and juicy Ballpark Frank.  It’s called “Independence Day” because our country’s first president was tired of counting on the British for food and was determined to eat what he liked, when he wanted.  The British are notoriously disgusting eaters, and consume snails and fish eggs and even animal poop I think.  George wasn’t having any of that shit (ha!), which is why many people around the country tend to commemorate the holiday by firing up their grills (not the kind you put in your teeth) and cooking up some hot dogs.  Grilling hot dogs is one of the most American things you can do, along with owning guns and invading other people’s land.  George Washington did all three, and that’s why he was elected president.

People celebrate the Fourth in a number of different ways; in truth, there are very few wrong ways to celebrate the best country on earth.  I, for one, try to do everything that French people cannot do, like be nice to my neighbors and think about how my country has won wars before.  Could you imagine living in France?  I could never hate myself that much.  Here are a few popular ways to honor America on this country’s most special day.

  1. Hot Dogs.  I touched on the hot diggity dogs up above, but they can’t be mentioned enough.  It’s been said that along with hamburgers, hot dogs are one of the only foods that is almost entirely American in origin.  In fact, legend has it that the first hot dog ever was made by George Washington with the meat of his conquered British enemies on the battlefield.  I don’t know if that’s true or not, but I do know that the British aren’t to be trusted.
  2. Boats.  I believe that George Washington tactfully chose July 4th as the date with which America would be remembered, for the simple fact that in almost every part of the country, July represents the height of boating season.  Fun fact: it has never rained on the Fourth of July, not even once.  There are a few “Boats and No’s”, things you shouldn’t do on the open water, the most important of which is wearing a shirt while you swim.  It doesn’t matter how fat you are, that white undershirt isn’t doing anything to hide your girth, and frankly you’re disrespecting the founding fathers when you wear one.  The young men of America’s past didn’t die so you could embarrass your friends like that.  Benjamin Franklin (the guy who invented the kite) was pretty tubby, but he wouldn’t be caught dead wearing a shirt while swimming.
  3. Fireworks.  Depending on whom you ask, fireworks are either a child’s favorite holiday delight or a Vietnam War veteran’s worst nightmare.  Either way, fireworks represent the most legal way to blow things up, something that Americans have been innately drawn to do for centuries.  The Fourth of July is the United States’ birthday, and I consider fireworks to be the candles of America.
    Sidenote: “Sparklers” are not fireworks.  Unless you’re 1-5 years old and can’t comprehend the awesomeness of our country, don’t disrespect it with what are essentially really long matchsticks.
  4. Movies.  If you don’t have access to a grill, a boat, or fireworks, fear not; you can still bask in the glory of Uncle Sam.  Almost every television station in the country plays patriotic movies all Fourth of July weekend, as they damn well should.  Your tube will undoubtedly be filled with such iconic films as The Patriot, Independence Day, and the National Treasure series, among others.  These features star noted Americans Mel Gibson, Will Smith, and Nicolas Cage.  It’s estimated that if the Americans had the sleuthing skills of Nicolas Cage back when they were fighting the British, we would have won the Revolutionary War in less than three weeks.  He truly is The National Treasure.

Just remember: America was founded on the idea of freedom for every man, so no matter what, don’t let anybody dictate how you should spend your Independence Day.  If your neighbors, the “police,” or even your family try to get in the way of your patriotism, tell them you bleed Red, White, and Blue.  Show everybody just how American you are by chugging a Budweiser on your boat, with the Union Jack draped around your shoulders and Francis Scott Key’s pièce de résistance playing in the background; and know that you’re living in the greatest country on the planet.


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