The Legend of Tarzan – A Review

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Hello everyone.  I just saw The Legend of Tarzan.  I went to the theater by myself because I was bored and I haven’t really done anything in a while.  Do you guys ever not do anything for a little bit, then realize you’ve just been eating Sour Patch Kids for 2 weeks?  Me either.  I saw the movie by myself because I wanted to.  Some people might say I saw it by myself because I don’t have any friends, but those people should learn that sometimes solitude is a choice and they should keep their opinions to themselves.

The Legend of Tarzan is about a guy named Tarzan who was raised by monkeys, went to England, and returned to the place he was raised.  What do you guys think would be the hardest thing about being brought back to the place you were born after being gone for a long time?  I think it would probably be going to the bathroom.  They took Tarzan from a place with no toilets, to a place with a lot of toilets, back to a place with no toilets.  Talk about a shock.

Most of the movie is Tarzan swinging from vines and getting into fights with animals, and people.  Tarzan looks really strong in this movie, and I think he could probably beat me up if he wanted to.  Then again, I’ve taken a lot of karate lessons so it might be a good fight.  Well, I haven’t taken lessons but I’ve watched The Karate Kid like 12 times so I’m probably just below a black belt.  Do you guys think Tarzan has a black belt?  He probably doesn’t.  Even with my extensive background in karate, Tarzan would probably beat me up because he has the power of the jungle behind him.  I might be able to beat him if I fought dirty, like throwing sand in his eyes or paying the person he loves the most to desert him the night before the fight.  I don’t think I’d fight dirty, but you can never underestimate a man on the edge.

Either way, I think we could learn to become friends and not fight at all, and then split approximately two whole packs of Flavor Ices.  I’d even let him have some of the blue ones if he wanted, but I’d keep most of them for myself.  Even if he was my best friend, I have to look out for numero uno.

Some things I liked about The Legend of Tarzan:

  • Jumping. There was a lot of jumping in this movie, which is a good workout.  Most of the movie was Tarzan either jumping at, or over, people and animals.  If I had to bet, I’d say Tarzan can probably dunk a basketball, although I doubt he’d even know what it was.  Talk about a waste of talent.
  • Animals. I like animals, and there were a lot of them in this movie.  Lions, monkeys, elephants, you name it.  In my opinion, not enough time was devoted to watching Tarzan pet the animals.  All animals like to be pet, even the stingy ones who play tough to get.
  • No Jane Goodall. Jane Goodall is a woman who thinks she knows everything about monkeys.  There was a Jane in this movie, but it wasn’t Jane Goodall, thank God.  I bet Goodall would try to tell Tarzan not to wrestle with the monkeys, which would have ruined like half the movie.  You don’t know everything.  Have some humility, Jane Goodall.

Some things I didn’t like about The Legend of Tarzan:

  • No Phil Collins. There wasn’t a single Phil Collins song in this movie, which I thought was extremely rude.  Many people (me) have called Phil Collins, “The Voice of Tarzan,” and it was pretty lame that he wasn’t in this film at all.
  • No Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt is my favorite actor, and it felt like a deliberate slight to not cast him as Tarzan, or at least as Jane.  Brad Pitt is pretty enough to play Jane, and I think it would have been a progressive choice by the director.  It’s 2016!  Men can play ladies if they want, and vice versa.  Should have brought in Brad.
  • Unrealistic. There was an incident a little bit ago where a gorilla got a hold of a child at a zoo.  The Legend of Tarzan would have you believe that the little boy would grow up to be great warrior and be able to grab stuff with his feet, but all that happened was Harambe the gorilla got shot.  I stood up and said, “This one’s for Harambe!” during one of the fight scenes, and everyone clapped.  Then I said it like 15 more times, and they forcibly removed me from the theater.  What are they trying to hide?  We may never know.

I really liked The Legend of Tarzan.  It was probably the best non-animated adaptation of a story about a man raised by monkeys that I’ve ever seen.  Overall, I give this movie five out of five banana peels.  See you at the movies!  I’ll be the one trying to borrow some of your candy.

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