I went to the movies the other day because my mom gave me a gift certificate and I had to use it or else it would’ve expired. Technically it was my roommate’s mom who did the giving, and technically she gave the gift certificate to my roommate; but I don’t like to get hung up on technical stuff, you guys. I went and asked very politely if they would play Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked, but the ticket guy said they couldn’t. I even offered him some of my Fun Dip, and he still said no. Then I lied and told him it was my birthday, but he told me he remembered me from last time and that trick wouldn’t work again. Can you believe that?! What a sour puss. After that I decided to go see Sully, because Sully sounds like the name of a zany dog who gets into a number of adventures that happen to involve Matthew Broderick, Hollywood’s lovable loser. I wonder when Matthew Broderick will realize that he’s hit rock bottom? Probably never.
Before the movie they played a preview for a movie where Joseph Gordon Levitt plays a guy with glasses. He yells, “You have no idea how it feels to be in charge of other people’s lives,” which makes me think that the movie is probably a documentary about Joseph Gordon Levitt’s actual life. Everyone knows he’s the man in charge, and what he says goes. He’s got looks, and power. I’m not gay, but if JGL (my pet name for Joseph) came up to me and tried to kiss me on the lips, I don’t know if I’d put up much of a fight. I’d probably let him kiss me on the cheek, just so he’d come back for more. It’s important to play hard to get, especially when you’re dealing with a heartbreaker like Joseph Gordon Levitt.
It turns out Sully has very little to do with dogs. It’s about a guy named Sullenberger who’s the captain of a plane. Clint Eastwood directed Sully, which is surprising because there was little to no obvious racism in this movie. Tom Hanks (Bridge to Terabithia, owner of “Bubba Gump Shrimp” restaurant chain) plays the main character, which was surprising to me. After Tom’s well documented flight troubles in Cast Away, there’s no way I’d let him behind the controls. Plus, he had sex with a volleyball in that movie, which I personally find very hard to forgive. Pretty much the whole movie is Tom Hanks either talking about flying planes, or landing one in a river. I wasn’t really paying attention to the movie (I was trying to steal popcorn from the guy next to me and he was being very rude about it). The most likely scenario is that Tom was watching the History Channel Original Show, American Pickers, and got caught up in the art of finding the best deal. Then he looked up, and realized they were landing in a river and not on the runway.
One plus of landing in the river was that the passengers got to use the blow up slide to leave, which probably made the whole experience worth it. I ended up getting kicked out of the theater after that, because I was shouting “wheeeee” every time one of them went down the slide. For some reason they weren’t doing it in the movie, which made the whole thing totally unrealistic. When I pointed that out to the theater staff, they took me out of the theater and stole all of my Fun Dip (approx. 8 packages).
Here are 3 things I liked about Sully:
- Tom Hanks’ mustache. Tom sported a beefy mustache throughout the movie, which was cool. People tend to respect men with mustaches. Food often gets stuck in mustaches for lengthy periods of time, and once it’s there it’s very hard to remove. I think people assume that if a guy cares so little about his appearance that he wears a mustache in public, he has very little to lose.
- Sully’s name. Sully’s name was an obvious homage to the classic film character “Sully” from Monsters, Inc. Tom Hanks was clearly very inspired by the 2001 animated film, and frankly, who can blame him. Monsters, Inc. was much better than this movie, because it had far less talk of planes, and death.
- No bathroom scenes. I like that there were no scenes of Tom Hanks going to the bathroom in this movie. Everyone goes, but I don’t want to see anyone doing their business, not even a famous star like Tom Hanks. The writers did a good job of leaving that out.
Here are 3 things about Sully that weren’t so great:
- Tom Hanks’ mustache. I know I said I liked it before, but the more I think about it, the more confusing it is. Mustaches are normally found on cowboys, and park rangers. Was he a cowboy, or a pilot? Can’t have it both ways, Tom.
- Enough superhero movies! I like a good superhero movie as much as the next guy, but this is getting ridiculous. Plus, Tom looks like a normal guy in this, no suit or cape or anything. How am I supposed to know who’s super and who’s not, without a cape? Tom really dropped the ball on this one. Wear a cape next time, buddy!
- No Joseph Gordon Levitt. He was in the previews, and after that I really had a hankering for some JGL. He should have been the co-pilot. Then when Tom Hanks says “BRACE FOR IMPACT,” Joseph could have reached out and grabbed his hand to let Tom know that everything would be okay. Joseph Gordon Levitt is the world’s guardian angel.
There you have it! Overall, I give Sully four out of five bags of crappy airplane cookies. See you at the movies! I’ll be the one setting up my sleeping bag in the last row.