Hey! I’ve been in the dumps lately, so I haven’t had much time to write anything. A few weeks ago I pet a dog and he didn’t seem to enjoy it at all, and I don’t think I’ll ever truly get over it. I looked up fun ways to make myself feel better on the internet, and one of the things I found was trying something new. So I tried to do parkour at the park next to my house, because I saw a video on the internet and it seemed like something James Bond would do and James Bond has kissed a lot of girls, probably more than 10. I hope James Bond gets tested in between his secret agent missions, otherwise his privates could be a real mess. Anyway the parkour didn’t turn out well, because I hurt myself trying to do a flip over a park bench and I had to go to the hospital. A lot of bystanders might tell you that I hurt myself trying to catch a squirrel and teach it to sit on my shoulder, but they don’t really know what parkour looks like so you should just take my word for it.
I still wanted to try something new though, so I decided that I’d write a review of an old movie that I hadn’t ever seen instead of a new one in theaters. I figured the best way to pick what movie to watch would be to go to a Blockbuster and randomly choose one from the shelves, but then I realized that almost every Blockbuster has closed. The only Blockbuster I know of is a couple of blocks away from my house, and I’m pretty sure it’s just a homeless guy that sits in front of a really big cardboard box that has the word “Blockbuster” on it. It smells like he poops in there, but I’m always too afraid to ask.
Anyway, I landed on Notting Hill. You might ask “why Notting Hill,” and to tell you the truth, I don’t know. An honest answer might be that I love Julia Roberts, but an even more honest answer might be that it’s the only DVD I could grab before my neighbor chased me out of his apartment. Notting Hill stars Roberts (People magazine) and Hugh Grant (almost any movie on the Hallmark channel), and came out in 1999. I was only 8 years old in 1999, and I had even fewer friends than I have now, if you can believe it. Other fun facts from 1999: Santana and Rob Thomas were teaming up for the cross cultural smash hit, “Smooth,” Tom Cruise was still only like 5 foot 9, and I was busy not being invited to Paul G’s birthday party, which was at Chuck E’ Cheese and was probably really shitty because I wasn’t there.
Notting Hill is about a guy (Grant) who owns a bookstore, and isn’t rich. Then he meets a famous actress (Roberts), who buys some of his books then kisses him full on the lips. Whoa! Hot diggity dog for Hugh Grant! I don’t remember if she pays money for the books or if he lets her pay for the books with the kiss, but if it’s the latter, that’s coming dangerously close to prostitution. Hugh Grant should really keep an eye on those types of transactions; I’d hate to see him get in trouble for something like that.
The whole movie is basically the two of them breaking up, and then getting back together again. Grant breaks up with Roberts because she’s famous, which I think is dumb because I think he’d probably get a lot of perks if they stayed together. He could probably go to a restaurant and order off the breakfast menu for dinner, and they’d allow it. A lot of people say that eating breakfast for dinner isn’t all that great, but those people are liars. If I dated Julia Roberts I’d order an omelet for dinner and brag to the guy next to me that he couldn’t. Then I’d probably feel bad and offer him some of my omelet because what goes around comes around, you guys.
Roberts and Grant get back together at the end and Roberts gets pregnant. Normally I would believe it was happily ever after, but Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are getting a divorce so I don’t really know what to believe anymore.
Things I liked about Notting Hill:
- Acceptance. Roberts and Grant did a good job of overlooking each other’s faults in this movie. Roberts overlooks the fact that Grant is poor, and Grant overlooks the fact that Roberts has really big teeth. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a horse smile, but I have seen Julia Roberts smile, so I can imagine what it looks like.
- Ice Cream Sandwiches. I can’t remember if anyone ate an ice cream sandwich in this movie, but I’m going to assume they did because I just had one while writing this and it was fantastic. I don’t think I love anyone as much as I love ice cream sandwiches, and I have a great relationship with my parents. Hugh Grant probably snuck into his trailer all the time to eat ice cream sandwiches, the sly dog!
- My Couch. This one doesn’t really have to do with the movie, but I liked that I could stretch out on my couch and watch it. One time I tried to stretch out on two seats at the theater, but the woman who was in the seat I was trying to put my feet on was a real jerk about it.
Things I didn’t like about Notting Hill:
- No dogs. I think it was stupid that neither Roberts nor Grant had a trusty pup to get them through the hard times in this movie. If Grant was smart, he’d have gotten a dog and taught it to get him beer from the fridge. Then he could drink while he cried and watched Roberts’ old films, which seems like the kind of thing Hugh Grant would do for sure.
- No breakfast for dinner. It seems pretty ridiculous that they didn’t show Grant ordering breakfast for dinner, not even once. He could have even ordered a side of hash browns and I would’ve been fine with it. The more I think about it, Hugh Grant is kind of an idiot in this movie.
- Brad and Angelina’s Divorce. It is tearing me up.
Well, there you have it! Overall I give Notting Hill 4 out of 5 cups of tea. Let me know what movie you think I should review next!