Hello! For those of you who aren’t aware, it’s December and Christmas is right around the corner. Christmas is the favorite holiday of everyone who matters, and has a lot of really fun traditions. Some folks go to church (Catholics), some like to get really drunk (single uncles), and some eat Chinese food (Chinese people). A lot of people like to pretend that a fat man breaks into their house and gives away presents, almost like a reverse break-in. I tried to do that to my neighbors last year, but they called the police and said I was “just stealing their Oreos,” as if it was somebody’s fault other than their own that they left a package of candy cane Oreos on their kitchen counter for just anybody to take.
As a special treat, I’d like to share some of my favorite holiday traditions with you! You can adopt some of these traditions if you’d like, but you have to give me credit before you do. I’m serious. I’ll call the police.
Watching Home Alone. Home Alone has been statistically proven to be the best Christmas movie of all time; in a recent poll, 9 out of 10 people prefer Home Alone to any other holiday movie. (Like almost every fact I use, I made that up). It stars Macauley Culkin as Kevin McCallister, a young man who is left home alone by his family. He fends off The Wet Bandits with a series of clever tricks and pranks, and he uses his knowledge of his house and surrounding neighborhood to his advantage, much like the crafty Viet Cong.
Listening to Michael Buble. Michael Buble has the croon to make the ladies swoon, and if you don’t believe me, listen to his Christmas album. I’m not gay, but I’d probably only resist a little if Michael Buble serenaded then tried to kiss me. I’m in no position to deny a Buble smooch. I like to listen to “All I Want For Christmas Is You” and pretend he’s singing to me personally, because deep down I think he is. Anybody who says Mariah Carey has a better Christmas CD than Michael Buble deserves to lose someone they love.
White Elephant. White Elephant is a fun game for families that don’t know each other well enough to buy personalized gifts. You pretty much just buy a random gift and throw it in a pile, then take turns choosing a new present or stealing someone else’s. It’s one of the few foolproof ways to ensure someone gets really mad at Christmas, because someone always comes away with a shitty present (my Enrique Iglesias poster, my old Ja Rule CD, my empty iTunes gift card). A lot of my family members will tell you that my presents are always the worst, but they need to know that “worst” is an opinion and that it’s the thought that counts.
Watching Home Alone 2. Home Alone 2 is the sequel to the smash hit, Home Alone, which I discussed above. In this hilarious second installment, the Wet Bandits rebranded themselves as The Sticky Bandits. I didn’t think they could come up with a name that was more sexually suggestive than the first time around, but boy did they prove me wrong. The Home Alone series is proof that if you forget about your kids, only good things will happen.
Decorating Your Car. A fun thing to do is put little antlers and a red nose on the front of your car. This is a festive way to let people know you’re kind of into Christmas, but even more into being a loser. My friend Paul did this once and I decided to one-up him, so I “accidentally” hit a deer on the side of the road and strapped him to the hood of my car. I painted his nose red and everything! The police stopped me after about an hour. They said that it was a “safety hazard” and “against the law,” but I’m pretty sure Paul was just jealous that I showed him up and got his cop buddies to rain on my parade. Low move, Paul.
Dressing up as Santa. Dressking up as Santa is a fun tradition for a lot of families. Personally I think there’s something a little odd about a fat man who watches kids when they sleep, but maybe those CSI shows were wrong and those guys didn’t inappropriately touch those boys after all. Instead of dressing up and handing out presents, I like to take presents from people . I get a lot more gifts than I would otherwise, and I teach people about the dangers of assumption at the same time! That’s what the holidays are all about.
Slam Dunking the Star on top of the Christmas Tree. A lot of people simply place the star on top of their Christmas tree. But I’ll ask you one thing: did Michael Jordan simply “place” basketballs in the hoop? He sure didn’t. Every year, my mom spends hours setting up the Christmas tree, and every year I slam dunk the star on top. This usually results in between 10 and 20 ornaments breaking, as well as tears from my mom and shouts/physical threats from my dad. But it’s tradition! I’ve been studying game film all year, and I think I’m going with a 360 windmill jam this time around. It’ll probably break even more ornaments than usual, but you can’t make an omelet without crackin’ a few eggs!
Now that you’ve read up on my traditions and realized all of yours are garbage, you’re all set to have a blast this holiday season! Happy Holidays!