It: A Review

Hey!  It’s been a while since I’ve done a movie review.  It’s been really nice weather lately, and I’ve been using my free time to stick a bunch of treats in my pockets and go down to the dog park.  All of the dogs run over to me and make me feel loved, which is something that’s hard to find in Donald Trump’s America.  I know they’re initially there for the treats, but I like to think that I’m a really good petter and they stick around for that.

I stopped going to the dog park because they kept playing Bruno Mars over the speakers.  For those of you who don’t know, Bruno Mars is the really short guy who’s on the radio all the time and likes to sing about how many different ways he can save women’s lives (catch a grenade, jump in front of a train, take on their student loan debt).  As far as I know he’s never saved anyone at all, so he’s both annoying and a liar.  Anyway, they play his music constantly so instead of putting myself through that hell I decided to go to the movies.

I went to go see the movie ItIt is about a bunch of kids that get terrorized and killed by a guy in a clown costume.  Over the course of the movie we find out that it’s not really a clown, but a “trans-dimensional evil” that takes the form of whatever scares people the most.  If it sounds like J.K. Rowling stole that idea to make boggarts in Harry Potter, it’s because that’s exactly what she did.  I wonder what the Evil would have become for Bruno Mars?  Probably a model that got blown up by a grenade he was too slow to catch, or one of those rulers at Cedar Point that tells you how tall you have to be to go on the rides.  Either way, I’d be on the Evil’s side if it were going against Bruno.

It lives in the sewers, which should have been a big red flag right off the bat.  Usually the only things that hang out in the sewers are guys like Homeless Steve, the guy who always tries to get me to play hide-and-seek, and anthropomorphic turtles that can do karate.  A lot of people will tell you that turtles can’t really jump or eat pizza or skateboard and that’s all just a TV show, but I put my turtle on a skateboard when I was younger and he flew down that hill.  Unfortunately he got cocky and went down without the proper safety equipment, but I like to think it’s the way Mr. Tibbles would have wanted to go out anyway.

The kids spend a lot of time trying to figure out exactly who/what It is, which in my opinion was a waste of time.  It was always holding a bunch of red balloons, so I would have gone straight to Party City if I was them; if anybody’s ever been a Rewards Member at Party City, it’s the clown who goes through a shit ton of red balloons.  They eventually find out that the creature hibernates for 30 or so years, wakes up and kills a bunch of kids, then goes back to sleep.  The creature is a lot like a bear, but it sleeps for a lot longer and as far as I can tell it doesn’t like salmon nearly as much as bears do.  In addition to sleeping, bears can also swim, and run very fast, and play football.  When you stop to think about it, bears certainly sound a lot more dangerous than some guy dressed as up a clown.

I missed some of the movie’s key points because I got locked in the movie theater bathroom for a quick second (45 minutes), but after the fire department let me out I was able to catch the last few scenes.  Somehow the kids make the creature go back to sleep, and then the town goes back to normal and the dead kids are forgotten about.  If I had to guess I’d say the kids either put a bunch of Tylenol PM in the creature’s food or they played the smooth sounds of Kenny G’s saxophone, because that would make anyone relax.  Or they could have just shoved a bunch of fish down into the sewers and waited for it eat its fill, because despite what everyone says I’m pretty sure the clown was actually just a really confused bear.

I really liked It.  It was probably the best second adaption of a Stephen King novel about terrifying clowns that I’ve ever seen.  Here are some things I liked about It:

  • Friendship.  A lot of this movie is about people being friends, even people who don’t look anything alike on the outside.  Nowadays everyone pretends to be friends with everyone else, because of the internet, but it was cool to see people actually being friends in real life.  The moral of the story is to stick with your friends, especially if people around you are being killed by a demon clown.
  • Bikes.  There were a bunch of bikes in this movie, both normal bikes (for kids, lame) and motorcycles (in Sons of Anarchy, badass).  The only way a normal bike is cool is if it has pegs, like BMX bikes do, and there’s a large chance that I could get hurt riding it.  My uncle told me that girls like guys with scars, so I’m going to buy a motorcycle and refuse to wear a helmet.
  • Gangs There were multiple gangs in this movie, but not the type that like guns, which was cool.  I tried to join a gang once, but they said I had to get a tattoo of a bull and that was a deal breaker for me.  The only tattoo I’m ever going to get is a picture of all the guys from the 2001 smash hit, Ocean’s Eleven, across my back.

Here are some things I didn’t like about this movie:

  • Fake Location. This movie was set in Derry, Maine, which I found out isn’t even a real place.  How am I supposed to believe the story if I know it’s set in some made up town?  Now I know the demon clown that eats kids for fun isn’t real at all.
  • Bruno Mars. I know he’s not in this movie.  But he sucks, you guys.
  • No Tarzan. Apparently the guy who plays the clown in this movie, Bill Skarsgård, is the brother of the really handsome guy who played Tarzan in the latest Tarzan movie.  It seemed pretty selfish of Bill not to mention his brother’s role in the film, or at least sing a Phil Collins song (or four).  I bet Bill was a little jealous and insecure that people would compare his performance to his more handsome brother’s.

Overall, I’d give It  five out of five big red noses.  See you at the movies!  I’ll be the one that’s arguing with the staff about the best way to make the popcorn.

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Get Out: A Review

Jojo

Hello!  I haven’t written a review in a while, mostly because I discovered that there are cool shows on the HGTV channel that are all about Home Improvement (not the Tim Allen program).  I’m really into DIY (Do It By Yourself) stuff, and I even made a chair a few years ago.  My friends will tell you it’s just an old tree stump that I found in the garbage and put in my bedroom, but they’re not designers so they should keep their opinions to themselves.  But after several failed attempts to knock down my neighbor’s garage, I found out that you can’t just fix someone’s house because you think it looks bad, even if you have a video camera.  In fact, using a video camera can backfire, as it can be presented as evidence against you in a “court of law.”  I can’t reveal any other information because it’s an open case, but it’s safe to say that my neighbor is unhappy with the way I may or may not have been treating his garage.

Anyway, I saw Get Out the other day.  I didn’t see it in theaters, because several local cinemas have declined my business recently due to an incident that was blown way out of proportion.  I brought several live lobsters into the theater one night and they assumed that I was going to try to eat them in the middle of the theater, but I was really just bringing my new lobster buddies to see a movie with me (Finding Dory). They took my lobsters away even though I bought them tickets because they were a “safety hazard” and “stolen from the grocery store,” but I think it’s probably because the lobsters weren’t humans and the management was desperate to push their anti-lobster agenda.  It’s 2017, and I think we should stop hating things for how they look on the outside.

Get Out stars Daniel Kaluyya (really cool last name) and Allison Williams (not nearly as cool of a last name).  They’re a couple, and he’s meeting her family for the first time.  He’s black and she’s white, and the whole movie is basically about him trying to escape from her family, who wants to use his brain to make a blind guy see.  If I were her, I would’ve tried to make him feel more at home as opposed to trying to steal his brain, but some people like to come on strong.  I bet Williams was regretting her decision when Kaluyya killed her entire family with knives, and guns.

Almost everyone ends up dead in this movie, except for Kaluyya and his friend who works at the airport.  No matter how many people died, it never seemed like enough.  That was pretty much the whole movie.

Here are some things I liked about Get Out:

  • Jordan Peele. I went to the same high school as Keegan-Michael Key, and he was Jordan Peele’s costar in Key & Peele.  So I basically went to the same school as the writer of this movie.  I don’t know either personally, but I’ll probably tell a lot of people at the bar that I do.
  • Magic.  There was some sort of magic going on, brain switching and all that.  I missed some of the finer points because I was trying to de-shell a pistachio for like 20 minutes, but magic is the only logical explanation.  Harry Potter!
  • No Brad Pitt. Usually I want Brad in every movie; every movie would be greater with the Pitt!  But he’s been going through some trying times with Angelina Jolie.  If you ever don’t know whose side to take, remember that Angelina Jolie once married Billy Bob Thornton when he had a goatee, and he didn’t even have to use a weapon to force her to.

Here are some things I would’ve changed:

  • Hypnosis. There was some hypnosis in this movie, which I didn’t like.  I don’t like anything that doesn’t have clear instructions on its Wikipedia page, and the one for hypnosis is very confusing.  I tried hypnotizing a homeless guy on the train the other day, and all he did was punch me in the face and steal my wallet.  No thanks, hypnosis.
  • Deer Violence. They killed a deer in this movie by hitting it with a car, and Kaluyya uses a dead deer’s antlers to stab a dude.  I don’t like animals being exploited by the film industry for violence, except for when Scar dies in The Lion King.  That guy was a real dick.
  • Bathroom Breaks. Nobody went to the bathroom in this movie.  What the heck!  Everyone has to use the bathroom, even pretty girls who ignore you at the bar.  One time I told a girl that I knew she went number two, and she dumped her drink on me.  My friend said that she did it because I offended her, but I know that she just did it because I discovered her secret.

I really liked Get Out.  It was probably the best movie about a guy murdering an entire family to avoid having his brain stolen that I’ve ever seen.  Overall, I give it four out of four black licorice sticks.  (I’ve been rating things in black licorice sticks lately because I got some as a gift, and boy, are they absolutely disgusting).

There you have it.  See you at the movies!  I’ll be the one wearing a wig and trying to get a Senior Discount. 

Kong – Skull Island: A Review

Brie Larson

I saw Kong: Skull Island yesterday.  I didn’t really want to see a movie, but I really wanted some Sour Patch Kids from the movie theater.  Some people will tell you that all Sour Patch Kids taste the same regardless of where you buy them, but some people think that Tobey Maguire is a good actor, and some people buy PT Cruisers.  Point is, there are a lot of stupid people out there, and you shouldn’t assume that everything you hear is true.

I didn’t know what movie I wanted to see, but I remembered that we used to give my dog these toys called “Kongs.”  I thought the movie might be about a bunch of dogs playing with toys, so I got really excited and shouted “ONE TICKET FOR THE KONG MOVIE PLEASE” at the ticket lady.  She said, “relax,” and I said, “absolutely not,” because watching a bunch of pups play with toys for two hours isn’t something that anyone should ever be relaxed about.  I didn’t think they were going to let me into the movie, but then a homeless guy outside of the theater shit his pants and I think they decided they had bigger problems.

It turns out Kong: Skull Island isn’t a movie about dogs at all.  It’s about a bunch of guys, led by Tom Hiddleston (background vocals for Taylor Swift) and Samuel L. Jackson (the only black guy in The Avengers), going to an island and becoming friends with a giant monkey.  At first they drop bombs on Kong’s home, which seems like a weird way to go about making friends, if you ask me.  Usually when I try to make friends I bake them a pie, or I ask them if they want to play a rousing game of Parcheesi.  Maybe attacking people is a better way to make friends?  I’ll have to try it and find out.

John C. Reilly (the guy from the Will Ferrell movies) is already friends with Kong, so he introduces them and they join forces against a bunch of big lizards.  Brie Larson is also in the movie, which is cool because she’s really attractive and she seems smart.  Brie Larson is the whole package.  If I were in a movie with Brie Larson I’d pay the director anything he wanted (except sex) to get a scene with me smooching her.  Then I’d keep screwing up the scene, so I could kiss her over and over again.  They’d figure out my plan eventually, but I wouldn’t stop.  They’d probably have to kick me off the movie.

Kong fights the lizards, and that’s pretty much the whole movie.  I’m not really sure how the movie ends, because I got a really big box of Sour Patch Kids and I ate them way too fast.  Like 5 minutes, the whole box was gone.  So I got a stomach ache and I had to go to the bathroom for the last half of the movie.  But I’m sure Kong probably wins, and Brie Larson ends up with someone other than me because life is terribly unfair.

Things I liked about Kong:

  • Brie Larson. Not only is she named after my favorite cheese, but she’s pretty and she can act.  She was also a photographer in the movie, which seems like the kind of cool thing Brie Larson would be into.  Brie Larson is the gift from god that we don’t deserve.
  • Classic Rock Music. There were a lot of really good classic rock songs that made me feel like I was in the 70s.  The 70s seemed like a really cool decade; people were pretty nice to each other, and it just seemed like everybody was into havin’ a good time.  Everybody except Charles Manson, who liked to kill people.  I’m sure to him that killing folks was a good time, but I’ll say “no thanks” to those kind of shenanigans, Charlie.
  • Dinosaurs.  There were dinosaurs on the island that they went to.  I’d like to be a dinosaur, but only like half the time.  The perfect scenario would be an Avatar-style world where I could go and be a pterodactyl for a day or two, then come back to humanity and have a hearty basket of chicken tenders (I don’t think I’d be able to find any chicken tenders in the dinosaur world) and curly fries.  If you think straight fries are better than curly fries, you are going to hell.

Things I didn’t like about Kong:

  • No Bananas. Kong is a monkey, and monkeys eat bananas.  In this movie, there were zero (0!) bananas.  Any movie that features monkeys eating anything other than bananas immediately loses all credibility.  Good luck trying to convince me this is real, people who made this movie.
  • Tom Hiddleston’s Name. I really like Tom Hiddleston.  He seems like a nice guy, and Brie Larson likes him, so he’s a obviously a straight shooter.  But I don’t like his last name.  “Hiddleston” sounds too much like “riddle” and “diddle” to me.  I don’t like riddles, and I certainly don’t want Tom’s digits going anywhere near my tookus.  Keep your fingers to yourself, Tom.
  • No Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt should have been in this movie, even if it was just a small part.  He’s the world’s best actor, plus he could deliver a witty one-liner or two when things start to get tense.  Like if a guy got stung to death by a mosquito, he could chime in.  “That’s just the jungle, folks,” he’d say.  What a stand-up guy Brad is.

Well, there you have it.  Overall, I give Kong: Skull Island four out of four hats (I’m into hats lately).  See you at the movies!  I’ll be the one by myself, trying to sneak some of your popcorn.

Notting Hill: A Review

julia-roberts

Hey!  I’ve been in the dumps lately, so I haven’t had much time to write anything.  A few weeks ago I pet a dog and he didn’t seem to enjoy it at all, and I don’t think I’ll ever truly get over it.  I looked up fun ways to make myself feel better on the internet, and one of the things I found was trying something new.  So I tried to do parkour at the park next to my house, because I saw a video on the internet and it seemed like something James Bond would do and James Bond has kissed a lot of girls, probably more than 10.  I hope James Bond gets tested in between his secret agent missions, otherwise his privates could be a real mess.  Anyway the parkour didn’t turn out well, because I hurt myself trying to do a flip over a park bench and I had to go to the hospital.  A lot of bystanders might tell you that I hurt myself trying to catch a squirrel and teach it to sit on my shoulder, but they don’t really know what parkour looks like so you should just take my word for it.

I still wanted to try something new though, so I decided that I’d write a review of an old movie that I hadn’t ever seen instead of a new one in theaters.  I figured the best way to pick what movie to watch would be to go to a Blockbuster and randomly choose one from the shelves, but then I realized that almost every Blockbuster has closed.  The only Blockbuster I know of is a couple of blocks away from my house, and I’m pretty sure it’s just a homeless guy that sits in front of a really big cardboard box that has the word “Blockbuster” on it.  It smells like he poops in there, but I’m always too afraid to ask.

Anyway, I landed on Notting Hill.  You might ask “why Notting Hill,” and to tell you the truth, I don’t know.  An honest answer might be that I love Julia Roberts, but an even more honest answer might be that it’s the only DVD I could grab before my neighbor chased me out of his apartment.  Notting Hill stars Roberts (People magazine) and Hugh Grant (almost any movie on the Hallmark channel), and came out in 1999.  I was only 8 years old in 1999, and I had even fewer friends than I have now, if you can believe it.  Other fun facts from 1999: Santana and Rob Thomas were teaming up for the cross cultural smash hit, “Smooth,” Tom Cruise was still only like 5 foot 9, and I was busy not being invited to Paul G’s birthday party, which was at Chuck E’ Cheese and was probably really shitty because I wasn’t there.

Notting Hill is about a guy (Grant) who owns a bookstore, and isn’t rich.  Then he meets a famous actress (Roberts), who buys some of his books then kisses him full on the lips. Whoa!  Hot diggity dog for Hugh Grant!  I don’t remember if she pays money for the books or if he lets her pay for the books with the kiss, but if it’s the latter, that’s coming dangerously close to prostitution.  Hugh Grant should really keep an eye on those types of transactions; I’d hate to see him get in trouble for something like that.

The whole movie is basically the two of them breaking up, and then getting back together again.  Grant breaks up with Roberts because she’s famous, which I think is dumb because I think he’d probably get a lot of perks if they stayed together.  He could probably go to a restaurant and order off the breakfast menu for dinner, and they’d allow it.  A lot of people say that eating breakfast for dinner isn’t all that great, but those people are liars.  If I dated Julia Roberts I’d order an omelet for dinner and brag to the guy next to me that he couldn’t.  Then I’d probably feel bad and offer him some of my omelet because what goes around comes around, you guys.

Roberts and Grant get back together at the end and Roberts gets pregnant.  Normally I would believe it was happily ever after, but Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are getting a divorce so I don’t really know what to believe anymore.

Things I liked about Notting Hill:

  • Acceptance.  Roberts and Grant did a good job of overlooking each other’s faults in this movie.  Roberts overlooks the fact that Grant is poor, and Grant overlooks the fact that Roberts has really big teeth.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen a horse smile, but I have seen Julia Roberts smile, so I can imagine what it looks like.
  • Ice Cream Sandwiches. I can’t remember if anyone ate an ice cream sandwich in this movie, but I’m going to assume they did because I just had one while writing this and it was fantastic.  I don’t think I love anyone as much as I love ice cream sandwiches, and I have a great relationship with my parents.  Hugh Grant probably snuck into his trailer all the time to eat ice cream sandwiches, the sly dog!
  • My Couch. This one doesn’t really have to do with the movie, but I liked that I could stretch out on my couch and watch it.  One time I tried to stretch out on two seats at the theater, but the woman who was in the seat I was trying to put my feet on was a real jerk about it.

Things I didn’t like about Notting Hill:

  • No dogs. I think it was stupid that neither Roberts nor Grant had a trusty pup to get them through the hard times in this movie.  If Grant was smart, he’d have gotten a dog and taught it to get him beer from the fridge.  Then he could drink while he cried and watched Roberts’ old films, which seems like the kind of thing Hugh Grant would do for sure.
  • No breakfast for dinner. It seems pretty ridiculous that they didn’t show Grant ordering breakfast for dinner, not even once.  He could have even ordered a side of hash browns and I would’ve been fine with it.  The more I think about it, Hugh Grant is kind of an idiot in this movie.
  • Brad and Angelina’s Divorce. It is tearing me up.

 

Well, there you have it!  Overall I give Notting Hill 4 out of 5 cups of tea.  Let me know what movie you think I should review next!

Godzilla – A Review

I saw Godzilla over the weekend.  You know, that’s the one with the huge dinosaur who hates Asian people.  I thought going into it that the premise was a little racist, but then I thought hey, everyone’s a little racist now and then.  Most grandparents still don’t like people their own skin color.  Maybe Godzilla was a grandparent?  I had to find out.

The night started out great, because I found a parking spot right in front of the theater.  The space said it was reserved for a guy named Valet, but I decided I’d just tell everyone I was Mr. Valet if they asked; I’m a bit of a wild card like that.  When I got out of my car this guy said I had to give him my keys so he could park my car for me.  I said, “Thanks, guy, but I’ve got the parking thing covered.  I’m Mr. Valet.”  He told me it was his job and that I couldn’t leave my car there; he was clearly a little slow; so I tried to explain how parking spaces worked.  He tried to take my keys!  In the end I had to push him away and run inside.  I don’t know much, but I know not to give my keys to strangers.  That’s Driving 101, you guys.

I made my way into the theater and chose the best seat in the house, right in the middle.  Of course, I had to threaten a few kids; but hey, sometimes the ends justify the means.  There were a lot of cool actors in the movie, most of all Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad, Malcolm’s Middle).  He played a dad, just like in his hit TV show, Breaking Bad.  Maybe he can start a show for dads called Breaking Dad, where he plays a cool dad who breaks all the rules in a very cool way?  Something to think about.  There was also a guy who looked a lot like Jake Gyllenhaal in Godzilla.  I don’t know his real name, but he was a decent Jake Gyllenhaal look-alike, which I’m assuming is what they were going for.  The lizard killed a lot of people, most of them Asians I think.  No matter how many Asians died, it never seemed like enough.  In the end, Godzilla went back into the sea or whatever.  I think Jake Gyllenhaal would have swam after it and killed it with his bare hands, but he was held back because people thought enough death had come of the whole ordeal.  The real Jake Gyllenhaal would have never let that slide, because the real Jake Gyllenhaal is an absolute badass who’s totally capable of killing aliens and shit.  Love you, Jake.

Here are three things I liked about Godzilla:
–          Trains.  Trains are awesome, and this movie had a good amount of trains in it.  I think that the movie could’ve featured even more trains, which would have made it infinitely more badass.  Trains!

–          Jake Gyllenhaal.  I really liked that Jake Gyllenhaal was represented as a hero in this movie.  He’s a pretty good actor, and he deserved it.  I hope he’s on the new Bryan Cranston show, Breaking Dad, because he’s a cool customer.

–          No ghosts.  There were a lot of people that died in this movie but there weren’t any ghosts, which I thought was good.  I’ve been having a lot of bad dreams about ghosts lately, and I don’t know if I would’ve been able to handle a bunch of ghosts and a giant lizard.  Well done!

Here are three things I thought they could’ve done better:
–          No meth.  I think the director missed a golden opportunity to use Cranston’s drug manufacturing experience to really liven up the movie.  It’s his calling card, and I bet he could’ve whipped up enough to have the whole set hopping!  A giant lizard is one thing, but a giant lizard on crystal meth?  Now that’s cinema!

–          Racism.  I’m not a  fan of racism, and I thought it was unfair that Godzilla attacked the Asians first.  It just seems obtuse in this day and age to resort to race as a means by which to choose your victims.  Maybe an Asian guy slept with somebody Godzilla loved?  That would give him a decent reason to target Asians, I guess.  I hope that’s the case, for his sake.

–          No Iron Man.  I know this movie wasn’t supposed to have Iron Man, but I think he could’ve lent a lot to the story.  Robert Downsy, Jr. and a Jake Gyllenhaal look-alike exchanging wits would’ve been a real riot.  “I’m a billionaire!”  “I’m Jake Gyllenhaal!”  That’s just classic.

Well, there you have it.  I give Godzilla five out of five stubbed toes (I just stubbed my toe and it hurts a lot).  See you at the movies!  I’ll be the one asking for a sip of your Dr. Pepper 10.

Her.

I saw Her over the weekend.  That’s the movie with Joaquin Phoenix (Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy) and the voice of Scarlett Johansson (Iron Man, 3D).  I like the name Joaquin Phoenix, because it sounds like the name of someone who would know karate, and be able to teach me karate.  Then I could go to the guy who laughed at me for spilling my pop on my pants and really teach him a lesson.  Nice black eye, bro.

Her is about how Joaquin Phoenix wants to have sex with his computer.  He talks to it a lot, and Scarlett Johansson talks back to him.  Then he finds out his computer’s cheating on him and talking to other dudes, so he gets sad and cries a lot.  That’s pretty much the entire movie.  I’ve never wanted to have sex with my computer, because I think that’d hurt.  I think deep down Joaquin Phoenix knew he wasn’t going to be able to have sex with his computer, but kept trying because he’s not a quitter.  I once tried to date a girl for like a whole year, and I didn’t quit either.  Every day I’d wave to her, and she called me a “freak,” probably because she was scared of the strong feelings she had for me.  She ended up calling her “boyfriend” on me, and he beat me up real good.  So been there, done that, Joaquin.  If you could teach me some of that karate soon, I need some pointers.

I really liked Her.  It was probably the best movie about wanting to have sex with a computer that I’ve ever seen.

Here are some things I liked:

–          Mustache.  Joaquin Phoenix has a mustache in this movie and it’s really cool.  You often find mustaches on policemen, who are super badass.  Maybe Joaquin was an undercover cop the whole time?  Who knows; you can never put anything past Joaquin.

–          Technology.  This movie is set in the future, where computers pretty much do everything for us.  I wish I had a computer that did everything for me.  I’d ask him to talk in a Joaquin Phoenix voice, and we’d be best pals.  Then I could ask him about all the computer sex he was having now that he’s a computer.  Nice work, buddy.

–          Pants.  This movie had a lot of weird pants, which was good because it made the fact that I spilled pop on mine not as big of a deal.  Girls might look at my pants and think I peed myself, but at least I’m not wearing dorky pants like Joaquin Phoenix is.  (Joaquin, if you’re reading this, I didn’t mean it.  Cool pants dude!)

I thought they could have done a few things better, too:

–          Thirsty.  Since I spilled my pop before the movie started, I was really thirsty the whole time.  I kept asking the guy sitting behind me if I could have a sip of his, but he told me to shut up and stop bothering him.  Then I untied his shoes and he moved seats.  I think the movie would have been better if I wasn’t so thirsty.

–          Technology.  I know I said that I liked the technology in the movie, but then I remembered I, Robot, a movie with Will Smith about how robots kill humans a lot.  I don’t want Scarlett Johansson killing me!  Stay away, technology.

–          Brad Pitt.  I know it’s a movie, but they didn’t mention Brad Pitt even once the whole time.  A world without Brad Pitt?  That isn’t believable at all.

Overall, I give Her four out of five mousepads.  See you at the movies!  I’ll be the guy asking them to let me in for free.

After Earth: A Review

Hello. I saw After Earth the other day, on a Wednesday. My neighbor Brian told me “Happy Hump Day” when I was getting in my car, to which I responded, “your dog sure thinks so!” His dog humps his pillows, his leg, and pretty much anything else it can get its dick on. Then Brian said I should stop talking out of my ass, but I’m pretty sure that’s impossible (except for farts). I’m not a piece of meat, Brian. Stop thinking about my butt, bro.

At first I thought this movie was called “After Birth,” and I wasn’t gonna go. I think that stuff’s gross, and I see enough of that on the Discovery Channel. But then I realized it was After Earth, which sounded cool. What planet’s after Earth, Mars? I thought it’d be cool to watch a movie about Mars.

Turns out, After Earth is about Will Smith (TV movie The Fresh Prince and His Hair) and his son Jaden (Jackie Chan’s Karate Kids). They crash on Earth when the dinosaurs were still here, which I learned in 5th Grade is like 100 B.C.E. There are a bunch of cool animals too, like tigers and birds and shit.

I got pretty distracted for most of the movie, because Robert Downy Jr. was in my theater. I kept calling out, “Hey Robert, show me your Iron Man face! How does it smell when you fart in the Iron Man suit?” But he just turned around and kept shouting, “I’m not Robert Downy Jr. you asshole!” He was pretty mean. I was going to take it personally, but then I realized that he can’t acknowledge that he is Robert Downy Jr., because then everyone will bug him and ask him for autographs at the theater! Don’t worry, Rob. I hear you loud and clear.

The next time I looked at the screen, I’m pretty sure Will and Son opened a zoo, like that Matt Damon (the voice of Roadrunner in ACME cartoons) movie. There were a ton of animals there, anyway.

What I liked about After Earth:
Father/Son Duo. I love when actors’ kids get into the “family business.” My friends tried to tell me acting isn’t a family business, so I shoved Will and Jaden Smith into their faces. Donald Sutherland (Now That’s What I Call Music series) and Keifer Sutherland (The Apprentice) are two more. Bam! Suck it, friends!
Animals. Some movies don’t have any animals! I like the way they had them here. I think Will Smith probably hand-picked most of them, like Noah picking out the animals for the arc. I’m sure giraffes wanted to be in the movie, but Will probably said something clever like, “Whoa, got enough neck?” And then the producers realized how stupid giraffes look and kept them out. I liked that part.
I didn’t spill my popcorn. Usually during action movies I jump up and spill my popcorn, most of the time on a stranger sitting in front of me. They almost always get mad, but hey, that’s the risk you take when you come to the theater. Don’t blame me because your stupid wife sat there.

What I didn’t like:
No Robert Downy Jr. When I saw him in my theater, I really got in the mood for some Rob! Pretty disappointing he wasn’t in After Earth. Throw him in!
Mars. I thought this movie was going to be about Mars, and it wasn’t. If I could go to Mars I would, and I’d draw a big wiener in the sand on the surface. Then when nerds looked at it with their telescopes, they’d see a big wiener! Ha! The joke’s on you, nerds!
No Matt Damon. After Will and Son opened the zoo, I’m surprised they didn’t take advantage of their Hollywood connections and get Matt to come help; I mean, he’s the best in the biz! Whenever I’m at the zoo, I always ask people what parts they thought Matt Damon designed. Most people just look at me weird, probably thinking “All of it, dude. This zoo is so Damon.” To which I fully agree.

I liked this movie. It was probably the best movie about the end of the world starring Will Smith and his son that I’ve ever seen. I give it 5 out of 5 high-fives. I’ll see you at the theater, I’ll be the one brushing my teeth in my bathroom.

Cloud Atlas: A Review

Cloud Atlas: A Review

Hey all, it’s been a while since I’ve written much of anything.  I want to tell you that’s not my fault, but then I’d be lying, which my new neighbor Pete says I shouldn’t do.  Just because you saw me run over your cat with my car and I told you it wasn’t me doesn’t give you permission to tell me how to live my life, Pete.

“Cloud Atlas” is a movie starring Tom Hanks (from the Disney Channel Original Movie, “Halloweentown”) and Halle Berry (from imdb.com).  I thought the movie was pretty good, mostly because I thought it was a sequel to “Cast Away.”  I kept asking people around me where Wilson was and how crazy it was that Tom Hanks can grow such a great beard, but then the guy sitting in front of me told me to “shut the hell up.”  I think he was just mad because he didn’t have a beard like Tom and I was pointing out how cool it was.

I really liked “Cloud Atlas.”  It was probably the best movie about clouds that I’ve ever seen.  Here are three things I really liked about this movie:

1. It didn’t have Hugh Jackman in it.  His sideburns always get in Halle Berry’s way, and I think he’s a little too aggressive when it comes to the filming industry.

2. Time travel.  They did a lot of it in this movie, which was really cool.  I figured we’d have time travel all over by now, especially after I saw that guy in the Coke Zero commercials do it years ago, but we don’t. I bet the guys from Coke let Tom borrow their machine and he just never gave it back.  Tom’s kind of a rascal like that.

3. Beards.  I’ve already mentioned beards, but Tom’s was really something in this movie.

Here are three things I didn’t like:

1. No animal sidekicks.  Halle Berry was in “Catwoman,” so I thought for sure there would be at least one feline.  I guess cats don’t time travel well.

2. Nothing about the Presidential debates.  The writers should have turned on their TV’s, because that’s what’s really “in” right now.  I would probably vote for Tom Hanks for president if he asked me, but I’d make him take me back in time to get a Dodo bird and keep it as a pet.  I’d name it “Tom,” after him, or “Adam,” after me.

3. No cool sneakers.  My friend Rob has a ton of cool shoes, but there weren’t any in this movie!  If Rob can get some slammin’ shoes, so can Tom.

There you have it.  Overall, I’d give “Cloud Atlas” five out of five volleyballs.  See you at the movies, I’ll be the one making hand puppets in front of the projector.

Paul Blart: Zoo Cop

As a special treat from my buddies at the Internet Movie Database (IMBD, as you may know it), I was given a sneak peek at the new movie Paul Blart: Zoo Cop this past weekend!  I took a break from the firecrackers and cooked wieners that so often dot my Fourth of July holiday to strap on my movie watching boots (size 10 Skechers Shape It-Ups) and do a little film scouting, just so you readers know how much I care.

Reprising his epic role as the title character in the visionary film Paul Blart: Mall Cop, the Documentary, the lovably overweight Paul Blart plays himself in this new feature.  Including heavyweights such as Adam Sandlot (Billy Madison’s Golf Academy) and Sylvester Stallion (Rambunctious) as voices of animals and A-listers Rosalita Dawson (Se7en Lbs) and Leslie Bobb (Titanic) as the objects of Blart’s love, it definitely doesn’t disappoint when it comes to star power.  Billed as a film for the whole family, I was a bit shocked at some of the content displayed in the more aggressive scenes.

As the film opens, Blart is introduced as a zoo cop.  Called by the animals he cares for as “the best they’ve ever had,” he no doubt drew on his experience as a mall policeman to prepare for the part, and this veteran touch impresses throughout the film.  However, Blart soon becomes restless and decides to seek other employment; at a foreign automaker dealership.  While his credentials and personal skills allow him to easily obtain a prestigious position at said dealer, the animals in the zoo are unwilling to let his services out of their reach.  They attack Blart and state in no uncertain terms that they don’t approve.  The monkey (Sandlot) shouts that Blart is “betraying his country and the animals’ love.”

At one point during the film, they succeed in subduing Blart, and in a shocking scene of primal magnetism, proceed to have their way with him.  This is one instance in which the ratings committee overlooked what clearly only belongs in an R-rated film.  I didn’t appreciate the rating, but the scene itself was riveting.  The animals tell Blart that the only way they’ll allow him to walk out alive is if he cheats on his wife (Bobb) with Kate (Dawson), and stipulate that he must take them once a week to TGI Friday’s.  When Blart asks how he’s possibly expected to sneak a zoo full of animals into a family restaurant, the lion (Stallion) states, “I don’t give a ****, we just want our Friday’s,” which again brings the PG rating into question.  They threaten to kill his wife.  In an impassioned plea, Blart cries, “I’ve gotta get out of this zoo.”

As a skilled man with much experience (see Paul Blart: Mall Cop, the Documentary), Blart is able to escape the horrors of the zoo with only a few scratches and a significantly damaged psyche.  He begins his job at the automaker dealership, wowing everyone there with his innovative sales techniques and overall positive attitude.  This new life takes a turn for the worst when the animals follow through on their threat and kidnap Blart’s stunningly pretty wife.  Enraged, Blart steals into the zoo and takes on each animal one-on-one.  After dispatching of many smaller animal charges, he comes face-to-face with the lion, who declares that he is holding Mrs. Blart captive until Paul returns to his previous duties as zoo cop, a job which the lion believes only can be left “when one dies.”

The fight begins.  After an epic 15-minute battle, the lion (a bad seed from the beginning) uses dirty animal tricks to dispose of Blart.  Our hero succumbs to the lion, who then consumes him in a sacrifice only comparable to the worst of the ancient heathens.  This movie is NOT for the eyes of children, and should only be viewed by adults that can stomach significant violence.

Things I Liked:

1. The Blart Factor.  This is easy; the man’s an American hero.  Many police officers look up to Blart.  Upon the capture of a ring of criminals, a policeman was rumored to have shouted “I JUST BLARTED,” which although slightly crass is an amazing testament to the man who has touched so many lives.

2.  Animal involvement.  I love animals, and this film’s got a lot of ‘em.  I like to think of animals as talking to me with their eyes and their expressions, but in this they actually could talk!  Great twist, best animal movie since Dr. Little with Eddie Murphy.  What a flick.

3.  TGI Friday’s.  Can’t go wrong here, it’s just an All-American restaurant with All-American fun!  I’ve done some research on the weekends and have concluded that TGI’s (nickname for it that I use, it’s shorter) is the best place to meet local singles.  Doubtless this is why the gorilla wanted to go there on a weekly basis, the scoundrel!

Not so Great About Paul Blart: Zoo Cop:

1.  Paul Blart shaved his ‘stache.  Really shocking in my opinion.  If this movie does well, it would have done twice as well had Blart not cleaned his face.

2.  Animal violence.  While I like a good duke ‘em out, fists flyin’ movie just like the rest of you guys, this one really did have some questionable family values.  When I go to see a PG movie, I like cute animals and animated toys setting out on adventures to Toy Barns and stuff like that, not animal cruelty and the encouragement of adultery.  That’s just wrong for this kind of film.

3.  The death of Blart.  While I admire the twist that the writers threw in with the destruction of Paul Blart, I also hate it.  Without Blart, there can be no Blart trilogy and thus no box set for me to purchase and enjoy whenever I want!  Unless, of course, the third is Paul Blart: Resurrected, which I think would be cool, even though it is sacrilegious.  I think the pope would look the other way though, I mean Paul’s a great character.

Overall, I give this movie a 8/10 on entertainment and a 2/10 for the ability to live up to its billing as family-friendly.  Trading in his Segway and quarter roll for a safety helmet and tranquilizer gun, Blart shines in a role that was clearly designed with his physical prowess and cool temperament in mind.  However, while the name Paul Blart will draw many a fan to the theater, the antics of the animals will keep them there in this action-packed horror/thriller.

Plunderer’s of the Caribbean: Here Come Strange Tides

In the fourth installment of the popular movie series Plunderers of the Caribbean, Jesse Depp (Edmund’s Hands Are Scissors) joins forces with spicy Latino newcomer Penelope Cruise, cousin of Grammy award-winning actor Thomas Cruise (This Mission’s Impossible and Barry MacGuire).  While she doesn’t jump on any couches in her debut as the leading lady scalawag, she makes this film a delight to watch!  When I heard that the series would continue without pirate stalwarts Kiara Knighthood and Orlando Blooms (Lore of the Ring), I confess I was slightly worried that this feature would fail to capture the hearts of moviegoers in the way its predecessors did.

I needn’t have fret!  With relentless action and witty banter from the opening scene to its final moments, Plunderers of the Caribbean: Here Come Strange Tides doesn’t disappoint.

Captain Jack Sbarro (Depp), always yearning for adventure, opens the film with the realization that he is aging (it is his fifth movie after all).  In an attempt to reverse the hands of Father Time, he decides to seek out the glory of the Fountain of Youth.  No one knows exactly where the fabled Fountain lies, but as Sbarro is a “Plunderer of the Caribbean,” it can be safely assumed that its waters are somewhere in the general vicinity of the Caribbean.  If not, he would be a “Plunderer of the Pacific,” but he isn’t.  The British government, still a little peeved that Sbarro and Bill “Shoestring” Turner (Bloom) took Eliza Swain (Knighthood) in the first movie, send Captain Blackbeard (Rob Thomas, of “Rob Thomas and the Matchbox Twenties”) after Sbarro to thwart his ideas of immortality.

Sbarro mixes business with pleasure and he starts to see Angelica (Cruise) on the side, which makes Blackbeard even angrier.  “If you’re going to go through the trouble of kidnapping Swain, at least stay faithful,” he was rumored to say.  As a wedding gift to Angelica, that rascal Captain Jack tells her he’ll find her a pet mermaid, to keep her company while he’s out sailing the Seven Seas and burying treasure.  Blackbeard gets wind of Jack’s idea, and in a stroke of romantic genius, decides to beat him to the punch.  A lot of Blackbeard’s friends are zombies, which I thought was cool.  Anyone can have ships in a pirate movie, but for there to be zombies you know the writers used their imaginations.

However, as Jack and Blacky (nickname for Blackbeard, used only by his closest friends) find out, mermaids aren’t down to be captured just for Penelope Cruise’s entertainment.  They dive at members of the crews and make it pretty clear they aren’t going without a fight.  This movie made me realize that Ariel in The Little Mermaid was an asshole, because she sold out her mermaid sisters and tried to become a human.  She’s a traitor to legless water nymphs everywhere, and I don’t like traitors.  The mermaids in this movie are kind of jerks, and they aren’t really that pretty.  I don’t think the directors did their homework, because mermaids are usually really pretty.  If I were directing a movie like this, I would have made sure all my facts were straight.

One of the reasons I like this movie so much is because Jesse Depp smiles so much.  Nobody smiles anymore, and I like that he’s making it cool again.  Nothing like a sword-wielding swashbuckler with a great sense of style and an even better set of chompers.  Also, there’s a lot of comedic relief, which I need in between serious action shots.  A little funny goes a long way.

There’s some spectacular scenery in the movie, and I think the production crew went down to Brazil to film the cool shots.  I Google Earth’d Brazil and a lot of the coast line looked like what I saw in the movie.  Could you imagine if Christopher Columbus hadn’t been an idiot and sailed the wrong way?  The Native Americans would probably still be alive, ha!

Things I liked about this movie:

1. Jack the Monkey.  If you didn’t catch it, there’s a monkey featured in the movies whose name is “Jack.”  It’s a good-natured joke because Cap’n Jack Sbarro and the monkey have the same name, which leads to a lot of “Are you talking to me or the monkey?” moments in the film.  What fun!  Nothing wrong with that.  Don’t worry if you didn’t realize, I’ve been classically trained in the art of film studies to recognize even the slightest nuances.

2. British hairpieces.  I think this explains itself.

3. Environmentally friendly.  I love that this movie shows a lot of business happening in the Gulf.  That area’s been hit pretty hard recently by Mother’s Nature, and it’s nice to see it looking so nice again.  Also, the use of sails cuts down on the carbon emissions that other alternative modes of transport would produce (i.e. steam engines, diesel fuel, Ford Broncos, etc.).

Things I didn’t like about Here Come Strange Tides:

1. No mermen.  I think in this day and age it’s really obtuse to not include both genders in the fun.  There are a ton of mermaids, but no mermen.  Come on, you guys.

2. Switch up the soundtrack.  I don’t like hearing the same thing over and over again, unless it’s “Rob Thomas and the Matchbox Twenties.”  After four movies, it’s getting a little bit repetitive.  Maybe throw in some reggae, seeing as how the movie is set in the Caribbean.  Again, a little research into the native culture would have resolved this issue.

3. Sanitation.  The ships in the movie, while cool looking, don’t seem to have a single lavatory on them (lavatory = bathroom).  How is Sbarro supposed to do his business on the open sea if he doesn’t even have a place to squat and think?  Those ships were probably gross by the end of filming, and everyone smelled like dung I bet.  Gross!

Other than that, it’s a great flick!  Practice your sword skills and meet me in the parking lot!