Hey! It’s been a while since I’ve done a movie review. It’s been really nice weather lately, and I’ve been using my free time to stick a bunch of treats in my pockets and go down to the dog park. All of the dogs run over to me and make me feel loved, which is something that’s hard to find in Donald Trump’s America. I know they’re initially there for the treats, but I like to think that I’m a really good petter and they stick around for that.
I stopped going to the dog park because they kept playing Bruno Mars over the speakers. For those of you who don’t know, Bruno Mars is the really short guy who’s on the radio all the time and likes to sing about how many different ways he can save women’s lives (catch a grenade, jump in front of a train, take on their student loan debt). As far as I know he’s never saved anyone at all, so he’s both annoying and a liar. Anyway, they play his music constantly so instead of putting myself through that hell I decided to go to the movies.
I went to go see the movie It. It is about a bunch of kids that get terrorized and killed by a guy in a clown costume. Over the course of the movie we find out that it’s not really a clown, but a “trans-dimensional evil” that takes the form of whatever scares people the most. If it sounds like J.K. Rowling stole that idea to make boggarts in Harry Potter, it’s because that’s exactly what she did. I wonder what the Evil would have become for Bruno Mars? Probably a model that got blown up by a grenade he was too slow to catch, or one of those rulers at Cedar Point that tells you how tall you have to be to go on the rides. Either way, I’d be on the Evil’s side if it were going against Bruno.
It lives in the sewers, which should have been a big red flag right off the bat. Usually the only things that hang out in the sewers are guys like Homeless Steve, the guy who always tries to get me to play hide-and-seek, and anthropomorphic turtles that can do karate. A lot of people will tell you that turtles can’t really jump or eat pizza or skateboard and that’s all just a TV show, but I put my turtle on a skateboard when I was younger and he flew down that hill. Unfortunately he got cocky and went down without the proper safety equipment, but I like to think it’s the way Mr. Tibbles would have wanted to go out anyway.
The kids spend a lot of time trying to figure out exactly who/what It is, which in my opinion was a waste of time. It was always holding a bunch of red balloons, so I would have gone straight to Party City if I was them; if anybody’s ever been a Rewards Member at Party City, it’s the clown who goes through a shit ton of red balloons. They eventually find out that the creature hibernates for 30 or so years, wakes up and kills a bunch of kids, then goes back to sleep. The creature is a lot like a bear, but it sleeps for a lot longer and as far as I can tell it doesn’t like salmon nearly as much as bears do. In addition to sleeping, bears can also swim, and run very fast, and play football. When you stop to think about it, bears certainly sound a lot more dangerous than some guy dressed as up a clown.
I missed some of the movie’s key points because I got locked in the movie theater bathroom for a quick second (45 minutes), but after the fire department let me out I was able to catch the last few scenes. Somehow the kids make the creature go back to sleep, and then the town goes back to normal and the dead kids are forgotten about. If I had to guess I’d say the kids either put a bunch of Tylenol PM in the creature’s food or they played the smooth sounds of Kenny G’s saxophone, because that would make anyone relax. Or they could have just shoved a bunch of fish down into the sewers and waited for it eat its fill, because despite what everyone says I’m pretty sure the clown was actually just a really confused bear.
I really liked It. It was probably the best second adaption of a Stephen King novel about terrifying clowns that I’ve ever seen. Here are some things I liked about It:
- Friendship. A lot of this movie is about people being friends, even people who don’t look anything alike on the outside. Nowadays everyone pretends to be friends with everyone else, because of the internet, but it was cool to see people actually being friends in real life. The moral of the story is to stick with your friends, especially if people around you are being killed by a demon clown.
- Bikes. There were a bunch of bikes in this movie, both normal bikes (for kids, lame) and motorcycles (in Sons of Anarchy, badass). The only way a normal bike is cool is if it has pegs, like BMX bikes do, and there’s a large chance that I could get hurt riding it. My uncle told me that girls like guys with scars, so I’m going to buy a motorcycle and refuse to wear a helmet.
- Gangs. There were multiple gangs in this movie, but not the type that like guns, which was cool. I tried to join a gang once, but they said I had to get a tattoo of a bull and that was a deal breaker for me. The only tattoo I’m ever going to get is a picture of all the guys from the 2001 smash hit, Ocean’s Eleven, across my back.
Here are some things I didn’t like about this movie:
- Fake Location. This movie was set in Derry, Maine, which I found out isn’t even a real place. How am I supposed to believe the story if I know it’s set in some made up town? Now I know the demon clown that eats kids for fun isn’t real at all.
- Bruno Mars. I know he’s not in this movie. But he sucks, you guys.
- No Tarzan. Apparently the guy who plays the clown in this movie, Bill Skarsgård, is the brother of the really handsome guy who played Tarzan in the latest Tarzan movie. It seemed pretty selfish of Bill not to mention his brother’s role in the film, or at least sing a Phil Collins song (or four). I bet Bill was a little jealous and insecure that people would compare his performance to his more handsome brother’s.
Overall, I’d give It five out of five big red noses. See you at the movies! I’ll be the one that’s arguing with the staff about the best way to make the popcorn.