I saw Kong: Skull Island yesterday. I didn’t really want to see a movie, but I really wanted some Sour Patch Kids from the movie theater. Some people will tell you that all Sour Patch Kids taste the same regardless of where you buy them, but some people think that Tobey Maguire is a good actor, and some people buy PT Cruisers. Point is, there are a lot of stupid people out there, and you shouldn’t assume that everything you hear is true.
I didn’t know what movie I wanted to see, but I remembered that we used to give my dog these toys called “Kongs.” I thought the movie might be about a bunch of dogs playing with toys, so I got really excited and shouted “ONE TICKET FOR THE KONG MOVIE PLEASE” at the ticket lady. She said, “relax,” and I said, “absolutely not,” because watching a bunch of pups play with toys for two hours isn’t something that anyone should ever be relaxed about. I didn’t think they were going to let me into the movie, but then a homeless guy outside of the theater shit his pants and I think they decided they had bigger problems.
It turns out Kong: Skull Island isn’t a movie about dogs at all. It’s about a bunch of guys, led by Tom Hiddleston (background vocals for Taylor Swift) and Samuel L. Jackson (the only black guy in The Avengers), going to an island and becoming friends with a giant monkey. At first they drop bombs on Kong’s home, which seems like a weird way to go about making friends, if you ask me. Usually when I try to make friends I bake them a pie, or I ask them if they want to play a rousing game of Parcheesi. Maybe attacking people is a better way to make friends? I’ll have to try it and find out.
John C. Reilly (the guy from the Will Ferrell movies) is already friends with Kong, so he introduces them and they join forces against a bunch of big lizards. Brie Larson is also in the movie, which is cool because she’s really attractive and she seems smart. Brie Larson is the whole package. If I were in a movie with Brie Larson I’d pay the director anything he wanted (except sex) to get a scene with me smooching her. Then I’d keep screwing up the scene, so I could kiss her over and over again. They’d figure out my plan eventually, but I wouldn’t stop. They’d probably have to kick me off the movie.
Kong fights the lizards, and that’s pretty much the whole movie. I’m not really sure how the movie ends, because I got a really big box of Sour Patch Kids and I ate them way too fast. Like 5 minutes, the whole box was gone. So I got a stomach ache and I had to go to the bathroom for the last half of the movie. But I’m sure Kong probably wins, and Brie Larson ends up with someone other than me because life is terribly unfair.
Things I liked about Kong:
- Brie Larson. Not only is she named after my favorite cheese, but she’s pretty and she can act. She was also a photographer in the movie, which seems like the kind of cool thing Brie Larson would be into. Brie Larson is the gift from god that we don’t deserve.
- Classic Rock Music. There were a lot of really good classic rock songs that made me feel like I was in the 70s. The 70s seemed like a really cool decade; people were pretty nice to each other, and it just seemed like everybody was into havin’ a good time. Everybody except Charles Manson, who liked to kill people. I’m sure to him that killing folks was a good time, but I’ll say “no thanks” to those kind of shenanigans, Charlie.
- Dinosaurs. There were dinosaurs on the island that they went to. I’d like to be a dinosaur, but only like half the time. The perfect scenario would be an Avatar-style world where I could go and be a pterodactyl for a day or two, then come back to humanity and have a hearty basket of chicken tenders (I don’t think I’d be able to find any chicken tenders in the dinosaur world) and curly fries. If you think straight fries are better than curly fries, you are going to hell.
Things I didn’t like about Kong:
- No Bananas. Kong is a monkey, and monkeys eat bananas. In this movie, there were zero (0!) bananas. Any movie that features monkeys eating anything other than bananas immediately loses all credibility. Good luck trying to convince me this is real, people who made this movie.
- Tom Hiddleston’s Name. I really like Tom Hiddleston. He seems like a nice guy, and Brie Larson likes him, so he’s a obviously a straight shooter. But I don’t like his last name. “Hiddleston” sounds too much like “riddle” and “diddle” to me. I don’t like riddles, and I certainly don’t want Tom’s digits going anywhere near my tookus. Keep your fingers to yourself, Tom.
- No Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt should have been in this movie, even if it was just a small part. He’s the world’s best actor, plus he could deliver a witty one-liner or two when things start to get tense. Like if a guy got stung to death by a mosquito, he could chime in. “That’s just the jungle, folks,” he’d say. What a stand-up guy Brad is.
Well, there you have it. Overall, I give Kong: Skull Island four out of four hats (I’m into hats lately). See you at the movies! I’ll be the one by myself, trying to sneak some of your popcorn.