Hello! I haven’t written a review in a while, mostly because I discovered that there are cool shows on the HGTV channel that are all about Home Improvement (not the Tim Allen program). I’m really into DIY (Do It By Yourself) stuff, and I even made a chair a few years ago. My friends will tell you it’s just an old tree stump that I found in the garbage and put in my bedroom, but they’re not designers so they should keep their opinions to themselves. But after several failed attempts to knock down my neighbor’s garage, I found out that you can’t just fix someone’s house because you think it looks bad, even if you have a video camera. In fact, using a video camera can backfire, as it can be presented as evidence against you in a “court of law.” I can’t reveal any other information because it’s an open case, but it’s safe to say that my neighbor is unhappy with the way I may or may not have been treating his garage.
Anyway, I saw Get Out the other day. I didn’t see it in theaters, because several local cinemas have declined my business recently due to an incident that was blown way out of proportion. I brought several live lobsters into the theater one night and they assumed that I was going to try to eat them in the middle of the theater, but I was really just bringing my new lobster buddies to see a movie with me (Finding Dory). They took my lobsters away even though I bought them tickets because they were a “safety hazard” and “stolen from the grocery store,” but I think it’s probably because the lobsters weren’t humans and the management was desperate to push their anti-lobster agenda. It’s 2017, and I think we should stop hating things for how they look on the outside.
Get Out stars Daniel Kaluyya (really cool last name) and Allison Williams (not nearly as cool of a last name). They’re a couple, and he’s meeting her family for the first time. He’s black and she’s white, and the whole movie is basically about him trying to escape from her family, who wants to use his brain to make a blind guy see. If I were her, I would’ve tried to make him feel more at home as opposed to trying to steal his brain, but some people like to come on strong. I bet Williams was regretting her decision when Kaluyya killed her entire family with knives, and guns.
Almost everyone ends up dead in this movie, except for Kaluyya and his friend who works at the airport. No matter how many people died, it never seemed like enough. That was pretty much the whole movie.
Here are some things I liked about Get Out:
- Jordan Peele. I went to the same high school as Keegan-Michael Key, and he was Jordan Peele’s costar in Key & Peele. So I basically went to the same school as the writer of this movie. I don’t know either personally, but I’ll probably tell a lot of people at the bar that I do.
- Magic. There was some sort of magic going on, brain switching and all that. I missed some of the finer points because I was trying to de-shell a pistachio for like 20 minutes, but magic is the only logical explanation. Harry Potter!
- No Brad Pitt. Usually I want Brad in every movie; every movie would be greater with the Pitt! But he’s been going through some trying times with Angelina Jolie. If you ever don’t know whose side to take, remember that Angelina Jolie once married Billy Bob Thornton when he had a goatee, and he didn’t even have to use a weapon to force her to.
Here are some things I would’ve changed:
- Hypnosis. There was some hypnosis in this movie, which I didn’t like. I don’t like anything that doesn’t have clear instructions on its Wikipedia page, and the one for hypnosis is very confusing. I tried hypnotizing a homeless guy on the train the other day, and all he did was punch me in the face and steal my wallet. No thanks, hypnosis.
- Deer Violence. They killed a deer in this movie by hitting it with a car, and Kaluyya uses a dead deer’s antlers to stab a dude. I don’t like animals being exploited by the film industry for violence, except for when Scar dies in The Lion King. That guy was a real dick.
- Bathroom Breaks. Nobody went to the bathroom in this movie. What the heck! Everyone has to use the bathroom, even pretty girls who ignore you at the bar. One time I told a girl that I knew she went number two, and she dumped her drink on me. My friend said that she did it because I offended her, but I know that she just did it because I discovered her secret.
I really liked Get Out. It was probably the best movie about a guy murdering an entire family to avoid having his brain stolen that I’ve ever seen. Overall, I give it four out of four black licorice sticks. (I’ve been rating things in black licorice sticks lately because I got some as a gift, and boy, are they absolutely disgusting).
There you have it. See you at the movies! I’ll be the one wearing a wig and trying to get a Senior Discount.