Get Out: A Review

Jojo

Hello!  I haven’t written a review in a while, mostly because I discovered that there are cool shows on the HGTV channel that are all about Home Improvement (not the Tim Allen program).  I’m really into DIY (Do It By Yourself) stuff, and I even made a chair a few years ago.  My friends will tell you it’s just an old tree stump that I found in the garbage and put in my bedroom, but they’re not designers so they should keep their opinions to themselves.  But after several failed attempts to knock down my neighbor’s garage, I found out that you can’t just fix someone’s house because you think it looks bad, even if you have a video camera.  In fact, using a video camera can backfire, as it can be presented as evidence against you in a “court of law.”  I can’t reveal any other information because it’s an open case, but it’s safe to say that my neighbor is unhappy with the way I may or may not have been treating his garage.

Anyway, I saw Get Out the other day.  I didn’t see it in theaters, because several local cinemas have declined my business recently due to an incident that was blown way out of proportion.  I brought several live lobsters into the theater one night and they assumed that I was going to try to eat them in the middle of the theater, but I was really just bringing my new lobster buddies to see a movie with me (Finding Dory). They took my lobsters away even though I bought them tickets because they were a “safety hazard” and “stolen from the grocery store,” but I think it’s probably because the lobsters weren’t humans and the management was desperate to push their anti-lobster agenda.  It’s 2017, and I think we should stop hating things for how they look on the outside.

Get Out stars Daniel Kaluyya (really cool last name) and Allison Williams (not nearly as cool of a last name).  They’re a couple, and he’s meeting her family for the first time.  He’s black and she’s white, and the whole movie is basically about him trying to escape from her family, who wants to use his brain to make a blind guy see.  If I were her, I would’ve tried to make him feel more at home as opposed to trying to steal his brain, but some people like to come on strong.  I bet Williams was regretting her decision when Kaluyya killed her entire family with knives, and guns.

Almost everyone ends up dead in this movie, except for Kaluyya and his friend who works at the airport.  No matter how many people died, it never seemed like enough.  That was pretty much the whole movie.

Here are some things I liked about Get Out:

  • Jordan Peele. I went to the same high school as Keegan-Michael Key, and he was Jordan Peele’s costar in Key & Peele.  So I basically went to the same school as the writer of this movie.  I don’t know either personally, but I’ll probably tell a lot of people at the bar that I do.
  • Magic.  There was some sort of magic going on, brain switching and all that.  I missed some of the finer points because I was trying to de-shell a pistachio for like 20 minutes, but magic is the only logical explanation.  Harry Potter!
  • No Brad Pitt. Usually I want Brad in every movie; every movie would be greater with the Pitt!  But he’s been going through some trying times with Angelina Jolie.  If you ever don’t know whose side to take, remember that Angelina Jolie once married Billy Bob Thornton when he had a goatee, and he didn’t even have to use a weapon to force her to.

Here are some things I would’ve changed:

  • Hypnosis. There was some hypnosis in this movie, which I didn’t like.  I don’t like anything that doesn’t have clear instructions on its Wikipedia page, and the one for hypnosis is very confusing.  I tried hypnotizing a homeless guy on the train the other day, and all he did was punch me in the face and steal my wallet.  No thanks, hypnosis.
  • Deer Violence. They killed a deer in this movie by hitting it with a car, and Kaluyya uses a dead deer’s antlers to stab a dude.  I don’t like animals being exploited by the film industry for violence, except for when Scar dies in The Lion King.  That guy was a real dick.
  • Bathroom Breaks. Nobody went to the bathroom in this movie.  What the heck!  Everyone has to use the bathroom, even pretty girls who ignore you at the bar.  One time I told a girl that I knew she went number two, and she dumped her drink on me.  My friend said that she did it because I offended her, but I know that she just did it because I discovered her secret.

I really liked Get Out.  It was probably the best movie about a guy murdering an entire family to avoid having his brain stolen that I’ve ever seen.  Overall, I give it four out of four black licorice sticks.  (I’ve been rating things in black licorice sticks lately because I got some as a gift, and boy, are they absolutely disgusting).

There you have it.  See you at the movies!  I’ll be the one wearing a wig and trying to get a Senior Discount. 

Notting Hill: A Review

julia-roberts

Hey!  I’ve been in the dumps lately, so I haven’t had much time to write anything.  A few weeks ago I pet a dog and he didn’t seem to enjoy it at all, and I don’t think I’ll ever truly get over it.  I looked up fun ways to make myself feel better on the internet, and one of the things I found was trying something new.  So I tried to do parkour at the park next to my house, because I saw a video on the internet and it seemed like something James Bond would do and James Bond has kissed a lot of girls, probably more than 10.  I hope James Bond gets tested in between his secret agent missions, otherwise his privates could be a real mess.  Anyway the parkour didn’t turn out well, because I hurt myself trying to do a flip over a park bench and I had to go to the hospital.  A lot of bystanders might tell you that I hurt myself trying to catch a squirrel and teach it to sit on my shoulder, but they don’t really know what parkour looks like so you should just take my word for it.

I still wanted to try something new though, so I decided that I’d write a review of an old movie that I hadn’t ever seen instead of a new one in theaters.  I figured the best way to pick what movie to watch would be to go to a Blockbuster and randomly choose one from the shelves, but then I realized that almost every Blockbuster has closed.  The only Blockbuster I know of is a couple of blocks away from my house, and I’m pretty sure it’s just a homeless guy that sits in front of a really big cardboard box that has the word “Blockbuster” on it.  It smells like he poops in there, but I’m always too afraid to ask.

Anyway, I landed on Notting Hill.  You might ask “why Notting Hill,” and to tell you the truth, I don’t know.  An honest answer might be that I love Julia Roberts, but an even more honest answer might be that it’s the only DVD I could grab before my neighbor chased me out of his apartment.  Notting Hill stars Roberts (People magazine) and Hugh Grant (almost any movie on the Hallmark channel), and came out in 1999.  I was only 8 years old in 1999, and I had even fewer friends than I have now, if you can believe it.  Other fun facts from 1999: Santana and Rob Thomas were teaming up for the cross cultural smash hit, “Smooth,” Tom Cruise was still only like 5 foot 9, and I was busy not being invited to Paul G’s birthday party, which was at Chuck E’ Cheese and was probably really shitty because I wasn’t there.

Notting Hill is about a guy (Grant) who owns a bookstore, and isn’t rich.  Then he meets a famous actress (Roberts), who buys some of his books then kisses him full on the lips. Whoa!  Hot diggity dog for Hugh Grant!  I don’t remember if she pays money for the books or if he lets her pay for the books with the kiss, but if it’s the latter, that’s coming dangerously close to prostitution.  Hugh Grant should really keep an eye on those types of transactions; I’d hate to see him get in trouble for something like that.

The whole movie is basically the two of them breaking up, and then getting back together again.  Grant breaks up with Roberts because she’s famous, which I think is dumb because I think he’d probably get a lot of perks if they stayed together.  He could probably go to a restaurant and order off the breakfast menu for dinner, and they’d allow it.  A lot of people say that eating breakfast for dinner isn’t all that great, but those people are liars.  If I dated Julia Roberts I’d order an omelet for dinner and brag to the guy next to me that he couldn’t.  Then I’d probably feel bad and offer him some of my omelet because what goes around comes around, you guys.

Roberts and Grant get back together at the end and Roberts gets pregnant.  Normally I would believe it was happily ever after, but Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are getting a divorce so I don’t really know what to believe anymore.

Things I liked about Notting Hill:

  • Acceptance.  Roberts and Grant did a good job of overlooking each other’s faults in this movie.  Roberts overlooks the fact that Grant is poor, and Grant overlooks the fact that Roberts has really big teeth.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen a horse smile, but I have seen Julia Roberts smile, so I can imagine what it looks like.
  • Ice Cream Sandwiches. I can’t remember if anyone ate an ice cream sandwich in this movie, but I’m going to assume they did because I just had one while writing this and it was fantastic.  I don’t think I love anyone as much as I love ice cream sandwiches, and I have a great relationship with my parents.  Hugh Grant probably snuck into his trailer all the time to eat ice cream sandwiches, the sly dog!
  • My Couch. This one doesn’t really have to do with the movie, but I liked that I could stretch out on my couch and watch it.  One time I tried to stretch out on two seats at the theater, but the woman who was in the seat I was trying to put my feet on was a real jerk about it.

Things I didn’t like about Notting Hill:

  • No dogs. I think it was stupid that neither Roberts nor Grant had a trusty pup to get them through the hard times in this movie.  If Grant was smart, he’d have gotten a dog and taught it to get him beer from the fridge.  Then he could drink while he cried and watched Roberts’ old films, which seems like the kind of thing Hugh Grant would do for sure.
  • No breakfast for dinner. It seems pretty ridiculous that they didn’t show Grant ordering breakfast for dinner, not even once.  He could have even ordered a side of hash browns and I would’ve been fine with it.  The more I think about it, Hugh Grant is kind of an idiot in this movie.
  • Brad and Angelina’s Divorce. It is tearing me up.

 

Well, there you have it!  Overall I give Notting Hill 4 out of 5 cups of tea.  Let me know what movie you think I should review next!

Her.

I saw Her over the weekend.  That’s the movie with Joaquin Phoenix (Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy) and the voice of Scarlett Johansson (Iron Man, 3D).  I like the name Joaquin Phoenix, because it sounds like the name of someone who would know karate, and be able to teach me karate.  Then I could go to the guy who laughed at me for spilling my pop on my pants and really teach him a lesson.  Nice black eye, bro.

Her is about how Joaquin Phoenix wants to have sex with his computer.  He talks to it a lot, and Scarlett Johansson talks back to him.  Then he finds out his computer’s cheating on him and talking to other dudes, so he gets sad and cries a lot.  That’s pretty much the entire movie.  I’ve never wanted to have sex with my computer, because I think that’d hurt.  I think deep down Joaquin Phoenix knew he wasn’t going to be able to have sex with his computer, but kept trying because he’s not a quitter.  I once tried to date a girl for like a whole year, and I didn’t quit either.  Every day I’d wave to her, and she called me a “freak,” probably because she was scared of the strong feelings she had for me.  She ended up calling her “boyfriend” on me, and he beat me up real good.  So been there, done that, Joaquin.  If you could teach me some of that karate soon, I need some pointers.

I really liked Her.  It was probably the best movie about wanting to have sex with a computer that I’ve ever seen.

Here are some things I liked:

–          Mustache.  Joaquin Phoenix has a mustache in this movie and it’s really cool.  You often find mustaches on policemen, who are super badass.  Maybe Joaquin was an undercover cop the whole time?  Who knows; you can never put anything past Joaquin.

–          Technology.  This movie is set in the future, where computers pretty much do everything for us.  I wish I had a computer that did everything for me.  I’d ask him to talk in a Joaquin Phoenix voice, and we’d be best pals.  Then I could ask him about all the computer sex he was having now that he’s a computer.  Nice work, buddy.

–          Pants.  This movie had a lot of weird pants, which was good because it made the fact that I spilled pop on mine not as big of a deal.  Girls might look at my pants and think I peed myself, but at least I’m not wearing dorky pants like Joaquin Phoenix is.  (Joaquin, if you’re reading this, I didn’t mean it.  Cool pants dude!)

I thought they could have done a few things better, too:

–          Thirsty.  Since I spilled my pop before the movie started, I was really thirsty the whole time.  I kept asking the guy sitting behind me if I could have a sip of his, but he told me to shut up and stop bothering him.  Then I untied his shoes and he moved seats.  I think the movie would have been better if I wasn’t so thirsty.

–          Technology.  I know I said that I liked the technology in the movie, but then I remembered I, Robot, a movie with Will Smith about how robots kill humans a lot.  I don’t want Scarlett Johansson killing me!  Stay away, technology.

–          Brad Pitt.  I know it’s a movie, but they didn’t mention Brad Pitt even once the whole time.  A world without Brad Pitt?  That isn’t believable at all.

Overall, I give Her four out of five mousepads.  See you at the movies!  I’ll be the guy asking them to let me in for free.

Cloud Atlas: A Review

Cloud Atlas: A Review

Hey all, it’s been a while since I’ve written much of anything.  I want to tell you that’s not my fault, but then I’d be lying, which my new neighbor Pete says I shouldn’t do.  Just because you saw me run over your cat with my car and I told you it wasn’t me doesn’t give you permission to tell me how to live my life, Pete.

“Cloud Atlas” is a movie starring Tom Hanks (from the Disney Channel Original Movie, “Halloweentown”) and Halle Berry (from imdb.com).  I thought the movie was pretty good, mostly because I thought it was a sequel to “Cast Away.”  I kept asking people around me where Wilson was and how crazy it was that Tom Hanks can grow such a great beard, but then the guy sitting in front of me told me to “shut the hell up.”  I think he was just mad because he didn’t have a beard like Tom and I was pointing out how cool it was.

I really liked “Cloud Atlas.”  It was probably the best movie about clouds that I’ve ever seen.  Here are three things I really liked about this movie:

1. It didn’t have Hugh Jackman in it.  His sideburns always get in Halle Berry’s way, and I think he’s a little too aggressive when it comes to the filming industry.

2. Time travel.  They did a lot of it in this movie, which was really cool.  I figured we’d have time travel all over by now, especially after I saw that guy in the Coke Zero commercials do it years ago, but we don’t. I bet the guys from Coke let Tom borrow their machine and he just never gave it back.  Tom’s kind of a rascal like that.

3. Beards.  I’ve already mentioned beards, but Tom’s was really something in this movie.

Here are three things I didn’t like:

1. No animal sidekicks.  Halle Berry was in “Catwoman,” so I thought for sure there would be at least one feline.  I guess cats don’t time travel well.

2. Nothing about the Presidential debates.  The writers should have turned on their TV’s, because that’s what’s really “in” right now.  I would probably vote for Tom Hanks for president if he asked me, but I’d make him take me back in time to get a Dodo bird and keep it as a pet.  I’d name it “Tom,” after him, or “Adam,” after me.

3. No cool sneakers.  My friend Rob has a ton of cool shoes, but there weren’t any in this movie!  If Rob can get some slammin’ shoes, so can Tom.

There you have it.  Overall, I’d give “Cloud Atlas” five out of five volleyballs.  See you at the movies, I’ll be the one making hand puppets in front of the projector.

Paul Blart: Zoo Cop

As a special treat from my buddies at the Internet Movie Database (IMBD, as you may know it), I was given a sneak peek at the new movie Paul Blart: Zoo Cop this past weekend!  I took a break from the firecrackers and cooked wieners that so often dot my Fourth of July holiday to strap on my movie watching boots (size 10 Skechers Shape It-Ups) and do a little film scouting, just so you readers know how much I care.

Reprising his epic role as the title character in the visionary film Paul Blart: Mall Cop, the Documentary, the lovably overweight Paul Blart plays himself in this new feature.  Including heavyweights such as Adam Sandlot (Billy Madison’s Golf Academy) and Sylvester Stallion (Rambunctious) as voices of animals and A-listers Rosalita Dawson (Se7en Lbs) and Leslie Bobb (Titanic) as the objects of Blart’s love, it definitely doesn’t disappoint when it comes to star power.  Billed as a film for the whole family, I was a bit shocked at some of the content displayed in the more aggressive scenes.

As the film opens, Blart is introduced as a zoo cop.  Called by the animals he cares for as “the best they’ve ever had,” he no doubt drew on his experience as a mall policeman to prepare for the part, and this veteran touch impresses throughout the film.  However, Blart soon becomes restless and decides to seek other employment; at a foreign automaker dealership.  While his credentials and personal skills allow him to easily obtain a prestigious position at said dealer, the animals in the zoo are unwilling to let his services out of their reach.  They attack Blart and state in no uncertain terms that they don’t approve.  The monkey (Sandlot) shouts that Blart is “betraying his country and the animals’ love.”

At one point during the film, they succeed in subduing Blart, and in a shocking scene of primal magnetism, proceed to have their way with him.  This is one instance in which the ratings committee overlooked what clearly only belongs in an R-rated film.  I didn’t appreciate the rating, but the scene itself was riveting.  The animals tell Blart that the only way they’ll allow him to walk out alive is if he cheats on his wife (Bobb) with Kate (Dawson), and stipulate that he must take them once a week to TGI Friday’s.  When Blart asks how he’s possibly expected to sneak a zoo full of animals into a family restaurant, the lion (Stallion) states, “I don’t give a ****, we just want our Friday’s,” which again brings the PG rating into question.  They threaten to kill his wife.  In an impassioned plea, Blart cries, “I’ve gotta get out of this zoo.”

As a skilled man with much experience (see Paul Blart: Mall Cop, the Documentary), Blart is able to escape the horrors of the zoo with only a few scratches and a significantly damaged psyche.  He begins his job at the automaker dealership, wowing everyone there with his innovative sales techniques and overall positive attitude.  This new life takes a turn for the worst when the animals follow through on their threat and kidnap Blart’s stunningly pretty wife.  Enraged, Blart steals into the zoo and takes on each animal one-on-one.  After dispatching of many smaller animal charges, he comes face-to-face with the lion, who declares that he is holding Mrs. Blart captive until Paul returns to his previous duties as zoo cop, a job which the lion believes only can be left “when one dies.”

The fight begins.  After an epic 15-minute battle, the lion (a bad seed from the beginning) uses dirty animal tricks to dispose of Blart.  Our hero succumbs to the lion, who then consumes him in a sacrifice only comparable to the worst of the ancient heathens.  This movie is NOT for the eyes of children, and should only be viewed by adults that can stomach significant violence.

Things I Liked:

1. The Blart Factor.  This is easy; the man’s an American hero.  Many police officers look up to Blart.  Upon the capture of a ring of criminals, a policeman was rumored to have shouted “I JUST BLARTED,” which although slightly crass is an amazing testament to the man who has touched so many lives.

2.  Animal involvement.  I love animals, and this film’s got a lot of ‘em.  I like to think of animals as talking to me with their eyes and their expressions, but in this they actually could talk!  Great twist, best animal movie since Dr. Little with Eddie Murphy.  What a flick.

3.  TGI Friday’s.  Can’t go wrong here, it’s just an All-American restaurant with All-American fun!  I’ve done some research on the weekends and have concluded that TGI’s (nickname for it that I use, it’s shorter) is the best place to meet local singles.  Doubtless this is why the gorilla wanted to go there on a weekly basis, the scoundrel!

Not so Great About Paul Blart: Zoo Cop:

1.  Paul Blart shaved his ‘stache.  Really shocking in my opinion.  If this movie does well, it would have done twice as well had Blart not cleaned his face.

2.  Animal violence.  While I like a good duke ‘em out, fists flyin’ movie just like the rest of you guys, this one really did have some questionable family values.  When I go to see a PG movie, I like cute animals and animated toys setting out on adventures to Toy Barns and stuff like that, not animal cruelty and the encouragement of adultery.  That’s just wrong for this kind of film.

3.  The death of Blart.  While I admire the twist that the writers threw in with the destruction of Paul Blart, I also hate it.  Without Blart, there can be no Blart trilogy and thus no box set for me to purchase and enjoy whenever I want!  Unless, of course, the third is Paul Blart: Resurrected, which I think would be cool, even though it is sacrilegious.  I think the pope would look the other way though, I mean Paul’s a great character.

Overall, I give this movie a 8/10 on entertainment and a 2/10 for the ability to live up to its billing as family-friendly.  Trading in his Segway and quarter roll for a safety helmet and tranquilizer gun, Blart shines in a role that was clearly designed with his physical prowess and cool temperament in mind.  However, while the name Paul Blart will draw many a fan to the theater, the antics of the animals will keep them there in this action-packed horror/thriller.

Plunderer’s of the Caribbean: Here Come Strange Tides

In the fourth installment of the popular movie series Plunderers of the Caribbean, Jesse Depp (Edmund’s Hands Are Scissors) joins forces with spicy Latino newcomer Penelope Cruise, cousin of Grammy award-winning actor Thomas Cruise (This Mission’s Impossible and Barry MacGuire).  While she doesn’t jump on any couches in her debut as the leading lady scalawag, she makes this film a delight to watch!  When I heard that the series would continue without pirate stalwarts Kiara Knighthood and Orlando Blooms (Lore of the Ring), I confess I was slightly worried that this feature would fail to capture the hearts of moviegoers in the way its predecessors did.

I needn’t have fret!  With relentless action and witty banter from the opening scene to its final moments, Plunderers of the Caribbean: Here Come Strange Tides doesn’t disappoint.

Captain Jack Sbarro (Depp), always yearning for adventure, opens the film with the realization that he is aging (it is his fifth movie after all).  In an attempt to reverse the hands of Father Time, he decides to seek out the glory of the Fountain of Youth.  No one knows exactly where the fabled Fountain lies, but as Sbarro is a “Plunderer of the Caribbean,” it can be safely assumed that its waters are somewhere in the general vicinity of the Caribbean.  If not, he would be a “Plunderer of the Pacific,” but he isn’t.  The British government, still a little peeved that Sbarro and Bill “Shoestring” Turner (Bloom) took Eliza Swain (Knighthood) in the first movie, send Captain Blackbeard (Rob Thomas, of “Rob Thomas and the Matchbox Twenties”) after Sbarro to thwart his ideas of immortality.

Sbarro mixes business with pleasure and he starts to see Angelica (Cruise) on the side, which makes Blackbeard even angrier.  “If you’re going to go through the trouble of kidnapping Swain, at least stay faithful,” he was rumored to say.  As a wedding gift to Angelica, that rascal Captain Jack tells her he’ll find her a pet mermaid, to keep her company while he’s out sailing the Seven Seas and burying treasure.  Blackbeard gets wind of Jack’s idea, and in a stroke of romantic genius, decides to beat him to the punch.  A lot of Blackbeard’s friends are zombies, which I thought was cool.  Anyone can have ships in a pirate movie, but for there to be zombies you know the writers used their imaginations.

However, as Jack and Blacky (nickname for Blackbeard, used only by his closest friends) find out, mermaids aren’t down to be captured just for Penelope Cruise’s entertainment.  They dive at members of the crews and make it pretty clear they aren’t going without a fight.  This movie made me realize that Ariel in The Little Mermaid was an asshole, because she sold out her mermaid sisters and tried to become a human.  She’s a traitor to legless water nymphs everywhere, and I don’t like traitors.  The mermaids in this movie are kind of jerks, and they aren’t really that pretty.  I don’t think the directors did their homework, because mermaids are usually really pretty.  If I were directing a movie like this, I would have made sure all my facts were straight.

One of the reasons I like this movie so much is because Jesse Depp smiles so much.  Nobody smiles anymore, and I like that he’s making it cool again.  Nothing like a sword-wielding swashbuckler with a great sense of style and an even better set of chompers.  Also, there’s a lot of comedic relief, which I need in between serious action shots.  A little funny goes a long way.

There’s some spectacular scenery in the movie, and I think the production crew went down to Brazil to film the cool shots.  I Google Earth’d Brazil and a lot of the coast line looked like what I saw in the movie.  Could you imagine if Christopher Columbus hadn’t been an idiot and sailed the wrong way?  The Native Americans would probably still be alive, ha!

Things I liked about this movie:

1. Jack the Monkey.  If you didn’t catch it, there’s a monkey featured in the movies whose name is “Jack.”  It’s a good-natured joke because Cap’n Jack Sbarro and the monkey have the same name, which leads to a lot of “Are you talking to me or the monkey?” moments in the film.  What fun!  Nothing wrong with that.  Don’t worry if you didn’t realize, I’ve been classically trained in the art of film studies to recognize even the slightest nuances.

2. British hairpieces.  I think this explains itself.

3. Environmentally friendly.  I love that this movie shows a lot of business happening in the Gulf.  That area’s been hit pretty hard recently by Mother’s Nature, and it’s nice to see it looking so nice again.  Also, the use of sails cuts down on the carbon emissions that other alternative modes of transport would produce (i.e. steam engines, diesel fuel, Ford Broncos, etc.).

Things I didn’t like about Here Come Strange Tides:

1. No mermen.  I think in this day and age it’s really obtuse to not include both genders in the fun.  There are a ton of mermaids, but no mermen.  Come on, you guys.

2. Switch up the soundtrack.  I don’t like hearing the same thing over and over again, unless it’s “Rob Thomas and the Matchbox Twenties.”  After four movies, it’s getting a little bit repetitive.  Maybe throw in some reggae, seeing as how the movie is set in the Caribbean.  Again, a little research into the native culture would have resolved this issue.

3. Sanitation.  The ships in the movie, while cool looking, don’t seem to have a single lavatory on them (lavatory = bathroom).  How is Sbarro supposed to do his business on the open sea if he doesn’t even have a place to squat and think?  Those ships were probably gross by the end of filming, and everyone smelled like dung I bet.  Gross!

Other than that, it’s a great flick!  Practice your sword skills and meet me in the parking lot!

Mad Fast Cars 5

“Whoa, that was fast!” – Guy 1

“No, it was five times as fast!” – Guy 2 (or maybe a girl, Girl 1)

That’s probably what a lot of people said when they left the theater after watching Mad Fast Cars 5 with Phil Walker (The Time Traveler’s Wife and Twilight: Dawn’s Light) and Dwight “What’s Cookin?” Johnson (WWF and Hannibal).  It’s a delightful flick also starring Vincent P. Diesel (Riddick: Chronicled), filled with hairpin turns and daredevil tricks that would make Evel Knievel wish he hadn’t died when he did.

Brian O’Connor (Walker) and his co-pilot Dom Toretto (Diesel) bust a bunch of their friends out of jail, probably by driving real fast and impressing the parole officers or something.  Everybody loves a good race, and they probably exploited the officers’ love of high-speed fun to bail out Taye Diggs (Mos Def) and their two hot girl friends, both played by Lindsay Lohan (Mean Bitches).  When Luke Hobbs (Johnson) finds out that they can drive fast in their cars, he gets mad (thus the title of the film) and takes his own cars to a third-world country; I think it’s somewhere in Cuba.

“What’s Cookin?” tells his police friends that they shouldn’t “ever, EVER, let them get into cars.”  If I had been writing the script, I would have given the police an ultimatum, like “Find them or you’re a rotten egg!”  In my experiences, nobody ever wants to be the rotten egg, because the rotten egg always gets made fun of on the playground.

I think I’d be great at driving cars fast.  My parents disagree, but then again they haven’t seen me play racing games on my Playstation  2.  NASCAR, Underground, Spyro; I win them all.  Hey do you guys know if I could rent out a car in NASCAR for a race?  It’d be cool to be on Sports Center for winning the Daytona 500, especially when they drink the milk at the end.  They’re health conscious and all about strengthening their bones, because driving a car can be really physically taxing.

O’Conlin and Totino decide to rob a bank, because the bank in question is run by a bunch of jerks.  I actually don’t know if the owners were jerks or not, but I think the movie’s more redemptive if you pretend Walker and The Dies are the good guys.  So they concoct this big plan, but then “What’s Cookin?” gets upset that they’re stealing.  He was brought up in a neighborhood where that kind of stuff is a real problem, and their actions reminded him of his troubled youth.  He decides to put a stop to it.

The action culminates in a crazy chase scene (involving a bunch of fast cars, you guessed it!) where Diesel and Phil Walker maneuver a giant safe, tied behind their cars, through the crowded streets of a big city.  I tried dragging my friend through the streets of our city behind my car, but the police stopped us because it wasn’t safe.  They clearly haven’t seen this movie!

This movie is LOADED with stars, from Walker and Johnson to cameos by a lot of hot girls and the popular hip-hop star Ludicrous.  Take your kids, because they’ll probably become either NASCAR drivers or thieves after seeing it, both of which I understand to be pretty well-paying jobs, and they gonna end up paying for your hospital bills when you’re old and disabled.

Things I liked about this movie:

  1. Fast Cars.  Could you imagine trying to film a movie about cars without any fast cars?  That’d be a challenge.  They did a nice job of including them here.
  2. No wrestling.  I liked that Dwight “What’s Cookin?” Johnson was able to put his past behind him and step away from the ring for a while.  Everyone deserves a break.
  3. Fun dialogue.  It’s always good to hear witty banter being exchanged between two people, especially criminals.  It proves that everyone’s smart in their own way.

Things they need to work on for Six Sexy Mad Fast Cars:

  1. Catherine Zeta-Jones.  As far as I could see, Catherine wasn’t in this movie at all!  Talk about a mistake in casting.  Every good movie starts with Catherine.
  2. Include some magic.  The whole Harry Potter thing is really “in” today, and I don’t think the directors used that to their advantage.
  3. Animal sidekicks.  I’ve never seen a movie that would have been worse with an animal sidekick, and this is no exception.  Give Diesel a loyal companion to drive with him places!  Then he could duck below the window and pretend to have his dog driving so people on the streets would get really confused.  The Dies would pop up and show everyone what a jokester he is, and then they’d all probably go out for a Fanta or whatever they have in Cuba.

All in all, this was a fast fun film for anyone who loves cars and fights.  Take your friends out to dinner and then to this movie, and then try everything in your neighborhood streets!  Speed limit signs are just for guidelines anyway.

Limitless: A Review

So I read some movie reviews earlier and I thought I’d give it a shot. Here goes nothing!

This is my movie review for “Limitless.”  It’s actually kind of a cheating review, since I haven’t seen it yet.  I did, however, see the trailer for it five minutes ago, and it had the Kanye West song “Power” in it, which I thought was pretty cool.  It stars Bradley Copper (The King’s Speech Impediment) and Robert Denero (Mission: Impossible).  I’m pretty sure Denero’s French Canadian, and his name’s pronounced “Rowbear,” but I’m not sure.  Canadians are weird.

Copper is a homeless man living in a big city, much like that Will Smith movie “Pursuing Happiness.”  That’s another movie I like, because his son gets a basketball for Christmas and he gets a job.  I think he’s playing on the And 1 Mixtape Tour now, but I’m not sure, I’m behind a couple of episodes.  From what I’ve gathered from the trailer, Copper takes some sort of drug and starts winning the lotto.  I’m not sure about that last part, but I know he has lots of fancy suits and smiles a lot.  He’s got like 5 girlfriends, which is cool, but it’s still kind of bad because that’s not a nice thing to do.  He probably just has really low self-esteem and he tries to raise it by getting with a lot of pretty women, but it doesn’t work because he’s on drugs.

There’s a scene where he cliff dives, which is cool.  I want to go to Mexico and cliff dive, but I’m scared of getting a disease or being abducted, so I don’t think I’ll go.  My friend has a pool with a diving board at his house, so maybe I’ll just go do that and pretend I’m in Mexico.  Ahh, the wonders of imagination.  Anyway, the drugs let him like paintings and talk about sports to his friends, which I think is pretty redemptive.

Then he buys this big house somewhere warm and sunny, probably Miami, and he throws big huge parties and invites all his sports friends to come have fun with him.  He’s got everything, and his suits keep getting cooler, and his hair is flowing, and he’s got a car, and a basketball hoop, and all that fun stuff.  He hits a man in a bar in the trailer, so I think he might have taken some street-fighting lessons with his lotto money.

Then Rowbear gets upset because Copper probably beat him in a game of PIG basketball or something, and I think he’s dating Rowbear’s daughter.  So Rowbear hires people to watch Copper from outside his window and make him nervous, because he’s having sex with his daughter in a hotel room.  And then more people get hit, and Copper stares at the camera a lot, because he’s probably pissed that the director didn’t have him making out with more girls than he did, and that’s when Kanye West’s song comes in.  That’s my favorite part.

I think at the end he wakes up and realizes it was all a dream, because Cleo DiCaprio and the guys from “Interception” played a trick on him.  They seem like fun guys.  That or he’s the mastermind of a big bank heist and it’s the ultimate “Whodunit?” movie.  That would be cool.  Go see it with your friends or your family or even a stranger!  That stranger could be me, just call me and ask what time, because I’m a busy guy.