It: A Review

Hey!  It’s been a while since I’ve done a movie review.  It’s been really nice weather lately, and I’ve been using my free time to stick a bunch of treats in my pockets and go down to the dog park.  All of the dogs run over to me and make me feel loved, which is something that’s hard to find in Donald Trump’s America.  I know they’re initially there for the treats, but I like to think that I’m a really good petter and they stick around for that.

I stopped going to the dog park because they kept playing Bruno Mars over the speakers.  For those of you who don’t know, Bruno Mars is the really short guy who’s on the radio all the time and likes to sing about how many different ways he can save women’s lives (catch a grenade, jump in front of a train, take on their student loan debt).  As far as I know he’s never saved anyone at all, so he’s both annoying and a liar.  Anyway, they play his music constantly so instead of putting myself through that hell I decided to go to the movies.

I went to go see the movie ItIt is about a bunch of kids that get terrorized and killed by a guy in a clown costume.  Over the course of the movie we find out that it’s not really a clown, but a “trans-dimensional evil” that takes the form of whatever scares people the most.  If it sounds like J.K. Rowling stole that idea to make boggarts in Harry Potter, it’s because that’s exactly what she did.  I wonder what the Evil would have become for Bruno Mars?  Probably a model that got blown up by a grenade he was too slow to catch, or one of those rulers at Cedar Point that tells you how tall you have to be to go on the rides.  Either way, I’d be on the Evil’s side if it were going against Bruno.

It lives in the sewers, which should have been a big red flag right off the bat.  Usually the only things that hang out in the sewers are guys like Homeless Steve, the guy who always tries to get me to play hide-and-seek, and anthropomorphic turtles that can do karate.  A lot of people will tell you that turtles can’t really jump or eat pizza or skateboard and that’s all just a TV show, but I put my turtle on a skateboard when I was younger and he flew down that hill.  Unfortunately he got cocky and went down without the proper safety equipment, but I like to think it’s the way Mr. Tibbles would have wanted to go out anyway.

The kids spend a lot of time trying to figure out exactly who/what It is, which in my opinion was a waste of time.  It was always holding a bunch of red balloons, so I would have gone straight to Party City if I was them; if anybody’s ever been a Rewards Member at Party City, it’s the clown who goes through a shit ton of red balloons.  They eventually find out that the creature hibernates for 30 or so years, wakes up and kills a bunch of kids, then goes back to sleep.  The creature is a lot like a bear, but it sleeps for a lot longer and as far as I can tell it doesn’t like salmon nearly as much as bears do.  In addition to sleeping, bears can also swim, and run very fast, and play football.  When you stop to think about it, bears certainly sound a lot more dangerous than some guy dressed as up a clown.

I missed some of the movie’s key points because I got locked in the movie theater bathroom for a quick second (45 minutes), but after the fire department let me out I was able to catch the last few scenes.  Somehow the kids make the creature go back to sleep, and then the town goes back to normal and the dead kids are forgotten about.  If I had to guess I’d say the kids either put a bunch of Tylenol PM in the creature’s food or they played the smooth sounds of Kenny G’s saxophone, because that would make anyone relax.  Or they could have just shoved a bunch of fish down into the sewers and waited for it eat its fill, because despite what everyone says I’m pretty sure the clown was actually just a really confused bear.

I really liked It.  It was probably the best second adaption of a Stephen King novel about terrifying clowns that I’ve ever seen.  Here are some things I liked about It:

  • Friendship.  A lot of this movie is about people being friends, even people who don’t look anything alike on the outside.  Nowadays everyone pretends to be friends with everyone else, because of the internet, but it was cool to see people actually being friends in real life.  The moral of the story is to stick with your friends, especially if people around you are being killed by a demon clown.
  • Bikes.  There were a bunch of bikes in this movie, both normal bikes (for kids, lame) and motorcycles (in Sons of Anarchy, badass).  The only way a normal bike is cool is if it has pegs, like BMX bikes do, and there’s a large chance that I could get hurt riding it.  My uncle told me that girls like guys with scars, so I’m going to buy a motorcycle and refuse to wear a helmet.
  • Gangs There were multiple gangs in this movie, but not the type that like guns, which was cool.  I tried to join a gang once, but they said I had to get a tattoo of a bull and that was a deal breaker for me.  The only tattoo I’m ever going to get is a picture of all the guys from the 2001 smash hit, Ocean’s Eleven, across my back.

Here are some things I didn’t like about this movie:

  • Fake Location. This movie was set in Derry, Maine, which I found out isn’t even a real place.  How am I supposed to believe the story if I know it’s set in some made up town?  Now I know the demon clown that eats kids for fun isn’t real at all.
  • Bruno Mars. I know he’s not in this movie.  But he sucks, you guys.
  • No Tarzan. Apparently the guy who plays the clown in this movie, Bill Skarsgård, is the brother of the really handsome guy who played Tarzan in the latest Tarzan movie.  It seemed pretty selfish of Bill not to mention his brother’s role in the film, or at least sing a Phil Collins song (or four).  I bet Bill was a little jealous and insecure that people would compare his performance to his more handsome brother’s.

Overall, I’d give It  five out of five big red noses.  See you at the movies!  I’ll be the one that’s arguing with the staff about the best way to make the popcorn.

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Notting Hill: A Review

julia-roberts

Hey!  I’ve been in the dumps lately, so I haven’t had much time to write anything.  A few weeks ago I pet a dog and he didn’t seem to enjoy it at all, and I don’t think I’ll ever truly get over it.  I looked up fun ways to make myself feel better on the internet, and one of the things I found was trying something new.  So I tried to do parkour at the park next to my house, because I saw a video on the internet and it seemed like something James Bond would do and James Bond has kissed a lot of girls, probably more than 10.  I hope James Bond gets tested in between his secret agent missions, otherwise his privates could be a real mess.  Anyway the parkour didn’t turn out well, because I hurt myself trying to do a flip over a park bench and I had to go to the hospital.  A lot of bystanders might tell you that I hurt myself trying to catch a squirrel and teach it to sit on my shoulder, but they don’t really know what parkour looks like so you should just take my word for it.

I still wanted to try something new though, so I decided that I’d write a review of an old movie that I hadn’t ever seen instead of a new one in theaters.  I figured the best way to pick what movie to watch would be to go to a Blockbuster and randomly choose one from the shelves, but then I realized that almost every Blockbuster has closed.  The only Blockbuster I know of is a couple of blocks away from my house, and I’m pretty sure it’s just a homeless guy that sits in front of a really big cardboard box that has the word “Blockbuster” on it.  It smells like he poops in there, but I’m always too afraid to ask.

Anyway, I landed on Notting Hill.  You might ask “why Notting Hill,” and to tell you the truth, I don’t know.  An honest answer might be that I love Julia Roberts, but an even more honest answer might be that it’s the only DVD I could grab before my neighbor chased me out of his apartment.  Notting Hill stars Roberts (People magazine) and Hugh Grant (almost any movie on the Hallmark channel), and came out in 1999.  I was only 8 years old in 1999, and I had even fewer friends than I have now, if you can believe it.  Other fun facts from 1999: Santana and Rob Thomas were teaming up for the cross cultural smash hit, “Smooth,” Tom Cruise was still only like 5 foot 9, and I was busy not being invited to Paul G’s birthday party, which was at Chuck E’ Cheese and was probably really shitty because I wasn’t there.

Notting Hill is about a guy (Grant) who owns a bookstore, and isn’t rich.  Then he meets a famous actress (Roberts), who buys some of his books then kisses him full on the lips. Whoa!  Hot diggity dog for Hugh Grant!  I don’t remember if she pays money for the books or if he lets her pay for the books with the kiss, but if it’s the latter, that’s coming dangerously close to prostitution.  Hugh Grant should really keep an eye on those types of transactions; I’d hate to see him get in trouble for something like that.

The whole movie is basically the two of them breaking up, and then getting back together again.  Grant breaks up with Roberts because she’s famous, which I think is dumb because I think he’d probably get a lot of perks if they stayed together.  He could probably go to a restaurant and order off the breakfast menu for dinner, and they’d allow it.  A lot of people say that eating breakfast for dinner isn’t all that great, but those people are liars.  If I dated Julia Roberts I’d order an omelet for dinner and brag to the guy next to me that he couldn’t.  Then I’d probably feel bad and offer him some of my omelet because what goes around comes around, you guys.

Roberts and Grant get back together at the end and Roberts gets pregnant.  Normally I would believe it was happily ever after, but Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are getting a divorce so I don’t really know what to believe anymore.

Things I liked about Notting Hill:

  • Acceptance.  Roberts and Grant did a good job of overlooking each other’s faults in this movie.  Roberts overlooks the fact that Grant is poor, and Grant overlooks the fact that Roberts has really big teeth.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen a horse smile, but I have seen Julia Roberts smile, so I can imagine what it looks like.
  • Ice Cream Sandwiches. I can’t remember if anyone ate an ice cream sandwich in this movie, but I’m going to assume they did because I just had one while writing this and it was fantastic.  I don’t think I love anyone as much as I love ice cream sandwiches, and I have a great relationship with my parents.  Hugh Grant probably snuck into his trailer all the time to eat ice cream sandwiches, the sly dog!
  • My Couch. This one doesn’t really have to do with the movie, but I liked that I could stretch out on my couch and watch it.  One time I tried to stretch out on two seats at the theater, but the woman who was in the seat I was trying to put my feet on was a real jerk about it.

Things I didn’t like about Notting Hill:

  • No dogs. I think it was stupid that neither Roberts nor Grant had a trusty pup to get them through the hard times in this movie.  If Grant was smart, he’d have gotten a dog and taught it to get him beer from the fridge.  Then he could drink while he cried and watched Roberts’ old films, which seems like the kind of thing Hugh Grant would do for sure.
  • No breakfast for dinner. It seems pretty ridiculous that they didn’t show Grant ordering breakfast for dinner, not even once.  He could have even ordered a side of hash browns and I would’ve been fine with it.  The more I think about it, Hugh Grant is kind of an idiot in this movie.
  • Brad and Angelina’s Divorce. It is tearing me up.

 

Well, there you have it!  Overall I give Notting Hill 4 out of 5 cups of tea.  Let me know what movie you think I should review next!