Hello! The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang, South Korea are officially underway! The Winter Olympics are celebrating their 22nd go-round, or as alcoholics like to call it, their “2nd 21st birthday.” These Olympics will be great, because they’ll distract people from the fact that a short fat man from North Korea and a taller fat man from the United States might send the world into a nuclear winter because of Twitter. But hey, I get it. Because if there’s one thing I’ve wanted to do after someone tells me they don’t like me, it’s destroy humanity.
Olympic athletes are asked to represent their countries at the best athletic competition in the world. The only time I’ve ever been asked to represent a country was when I was forced to participate in a Model UN after I told my 7th Grade teacher she looked like a pear (Model UN is like Olympics, but for nerds). I represented Norway, and if it was real life I would have been impeached or killed alarmingly fast.
To give everyone a better understanding of the Olympic events and what to watch for, I’ve broken down some of the more popular events. You’re welcome!
The Olympics are a celebration of the best athletes in the world, and curlers. If you think that curling looks more like a household chore than an Olympic sport, that’s because it is. Curling was invented in 1892 by a Canadian mom who tried to get her kids to sweep ice because she hated them. Imagine getting upset that someone beat you in curling. “That guy was better at brushing ice than me.” Oh man, I’m so sorry! Better get out and practice on my front step.
Figure skating is always a fan favorite, probably because there’s so much potential for people to fall and hurt themselves. Figure skating is a lot like dancing on ice. Some people will tell you that there are large differences between Figure Skating and ice dancing, but those people are nerds. If I was a figure skater my song would be “Bawitdaba” by Kid Rock and most people would probably be very uncomfortable. “That’s not figure skating,” they’d say, “that’s just a guy doing the chicken dance. He’s not even wearing ice skates, those are Heely’s!” But hey, that’s figure skating for you.
The point of the Ski Jump seems to be, “How can we make sure people get really hurt if they screw up?” Although I guess if you decide to go 60 mph and then attempt to jump 300 feet with pieces of wood strapped to your feet while wearing a lame one-piece body suit, you probably deserve to get hurt. Charles Darwin called it “survival of the fittest,” but we at the Olympics call it “ski jump.”
The Biathlon is the Olympics’ attempt to make cross country skiing more entertaining.
Person 1: “How can we make people like cross country skiing?”
Person 2: “What if we gave them guns?”
The Biathlon is a race to ski and shoot targets. Because if there’s one thing we’ve learned about guns, it’s that speed, and not safety, is the top priority. I bet those Biathlon guys get really steamed when they see how much cooler people think the Triathlon is, but hey, maybe they should add another “thlon” to their dumbass sport. Add some more guns and we’ll talk to you.
If you like going really fast through the cold while gripping wood and steel and you’re not talking about chasing someone through a forest with an axe, boy do I have some sports for you. Bobsled was invented in 1993 by John Candy and brought to worldwide attention with the success of the hit film Cool Runnings. Luge and Skeleton are essentially the same thing as Bobsled, but with different names. I’ve heard that the lugers make cool noises when they go around the turns so they can drown out the crowd when they laugh at them as they go by, probably for participating in the least cool Olympic event (after curling, of course).
Did you know that in the first ever Winter Olympics, there was a guy named Charles Granville Bruce who got a gold medal for trying to climb Mount Everest? It’s true. He didn’t even climb it, he just led an expedition that attempted it. What a crock of shit! I’m going to contact the IOC and ask if I can get a medal for things I’ve attempted to do and failed, like baking cookies without eating all the dough first, or trying to spell ‘pneumonia’ without looking it up. Charles Granville Bruce doesn’t deserve that medal, and personally I hope he died up there on Mount Everest for accepting it.
Just kidding. Kind of.
Well, there you have it! Personally, I think that the Olympics should come with an ego reducer, just so the athletes don’t get too cocky. For example, there should be one penguin that luges against competitors in every race. Then you can say, “yeah you won, but that little penguin kicked your ass.” Boom. Taken down a notch. Even without penguins, the 2018 Winter Olympics will undoubtedly be quite a spectacle for the world to behold. Let’s hope that we’re all alive when they end!