2018 Winter Olympics

Olympics

Hello!  The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang, South Korea are officially underway!  The Winter Olympics are celebrating their 22nd go-round, or as alcoholics like to call it, their “2nd 21st birthday.”  These Olympics will be great, because they’ll distract people from the fact that a short fat man from North Korea and a taller fat man from the United States might send the world into a nuclear winter because of Twitter.  But hey, I get it. Because if there’s one thing I’ve wanted to do after someone tells me they don’t like me, it’s destroy humanity.

Olympic athletes are asked to represent their countries at the best athletic competition in the world.  The only time I’ve ever been asked to represent a country was when I was forced to participate in a Model UN after I told my 7th Grade teacher she looked like a pear (Model UN is like Olympics, but for nerds).  I represented Norway, and if it was real life I would have been impeached or killed alarmingly fast.

To give everyone a better understanding of the Olympic events and what to watch for, I’ve broken down some of the more popular events.  You’re welcome!

Curling
The Olympics are a celebration of the best athletes in the world, and curlers.  If you think that curling looks more like a household chore than an Olympic sport, that’s because it is.  Curling was invented in 1892 by a Canadian mom who tried to get her kids to sweep ice because she hated them.  Imagine getting upset that someone beat you in curling.  “That guy was better at brushing ice than me.”  Oh man, I’m so sorry!  Better get out and practice on my front step.

Figure Skating
Figure skating is always a fan favorite, probably because there’s so much potential for people to fall and hurt themselves.  Figure skating is a lot like dancing on ice.  Some people will tell you that there are large differences between Figure Skating and ice dancing, but those people are nerds.  If I was a figure skater my song would be “Bawitdaba” by Kid Rock and most people would probably be very uncomfortable.  “That’s not figure skating,” they’d say, “that’s just a guy doing the chicken dance. He’s not even wearing ice skates, those are Heely’s!”  But hey, that’s figure skating for you.

Ski Jump
The point of the Ski Jump seems to be, “How can we make sure people get really hurt if they screw up?”  Although I guess if you decide to go 60 mph and then attempt to jump 300 feet with pieces of wood strapped to your feet while wearing a lame one-piece body suit, you probably deserve to get hurt.  Charles Darwin called it “survival of the fittest,” but we at the Olympics call it “ski jump.”

Biathlon
The Biathlon is the Olympics’ attempt to make cross country skiing more entertaining.
Person 1: “How can we make people like cross country skiing?”
Person 2: “What if we gave them guns?”
The Biathlon is a race to ski and shoot targets.  Because if there’s one thing we’ve learned about guns, it’s that speed, and not safety, is the top priority.  I bet those Biathlon guys get really steamed when they see how much cooler people think the Triathlon is, but hey, maybe they should add another “thlon” to their dumbass sport.  Add some more guns and we’ll talk to you.

Bobsled/Luge/Skeleton
If you like going really fast through the cold while gripping wood and steel and you’re not talking about chasing someone through a forest with an axe, boy do I have some sports for you.  Bobsled was invented in 1993 by John Candy and brought to worldwide attention with the success of the hit film Cool Runnings.  Luge and Skeleton are essentially the same thing as Bobsled, but with different names.  I’ve heard that the lugers make cool noises when they go around the turns so they can drown out the crowd when they laugh at them as they go by, probably for participating in the least cool Olympic event (after curling, of course).

Did you know that in the first ever Winter Olympics, there was a guy named Charles Granville Bruce who got a gold medal for trying to climb Mount Everest?  It’s true.  He didn’t even climb it, he just led an expedition that attempted it.  What a crock of shit!  I’m going to contact the IOC and ask if I can get a medal for things I’ve attempted to do and failed, like baking cookies without eating all the dough first, or trying to spell ‘pneumonia’ without looking it up.  Charles Granville Bruce doesn’t deserve that medal, and personally I hope he died up there on Mount Everest for accepting it.

Just kidding. Kind of.

Well, there you have it!  Personally, I think that the Olympics should come with an ego reducer, just so the athletes don’t get too cocky.  For example, there should be one penguin that luges against competitors in every race.  Then you can say, “yeah you won, but that little penguin kicked your ass.”  Boom.  Taken down a notch.  Even without penguins, the 2018 Winter Olympics will undoubtedly be quite a spectacle for the world to behold.  Let’s hope that we’re all alive when they end!

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Your Guide to the 2016 Olympics

Rio Olympics

Hello everyone.  The 2016 Summer Olympics are almost here! The Olympics are held every four years, and bring the world together to watch the athletes that got away with using PEDs compete for their respective countries.  For those of you who don’t know, the Olympics began back in ancient Rome, when Julius Caesar challenged some guy to a push up contest.  Since then the Olympics have evolved into a worldwide phenomenon, one that almost always leaves the host nation with crippling debt and allows Subway to remind people that they endorse professional athletes, and not just weird guys who like kids.  This year’s Olympics are being held in Rio de Janeiro, and promise to leave Brazil an even bigger shithole than it was before, if you can believe it.  The 2016 Games consist of 42 sports; 306 events in only 19 days!  I know that sounds overwhelming, so I’ve created a handy dandy Olympic Guide to assist you in nailing down exactly what you should and shouldn’t watch.

First things first: a few facts about the host city.  Rio de Janeiro was named after the 2011 animated feature film Rio, which featured Jesse Eisenberg and Anne Hathaway as the voices of the two main characters.  There is no known record of the city’s name before the movie came out, and quite frankly, I don’t care to know it.  Despite the film’s terrible stars, it was a moderate box office success that showcased some of the bright colors and spicy attitudes that permeate Brazilian culture.  Experts say that the government of Brazil first began distributing colorful garments to distract its citizens from the poverty and crime that run rampant through the streets of the South American country, and the move has proven surprisingly effective.  Brazil has a knack for churning out soccer stars, having won the FIFA World Cup a record 5 times.  It is also home to a large swath of the Amazon River, which is surrounded by a dense tropical forest that the Brazilians are doing their best to destroy.  No matter how many trees are chopped down each year, it never seems like enough.  Brazil also has its own unique food (I’m assuming), but I don’t know any of the dishes because I don’t speak Portuguese and I’ve never been there before.  I think bananas grow there?  Nobody knows for sure.

But enough fun facts!  You’re here for sports, and sports you shall have.  I can’t go through every sport being played in the Olympics, because that would take too long and I have a lot of stuff to do today (eat, sleep, watch National Treasure, etc.).  Here are some things I think you should know before you tune in to Rio 2016.

Rowing
Rowing is basically just a bunch of dudes racing in canoes.  It might sound boring, and that’s because it is.  If I wanted to watch people frantically row a boat, I’d watch Titanic.  At least I’d see Kate Winslet’s boobs.  Granted, the potential exists for aquatic crashes, fights, and possible anaconda attacks in the dirty Brazilian water.  But I won’t watch.  If I really wanted to see people row a boat on some river, I’d watch my uncles try to fish.

Fencing
Fencing is like sword fighting, but for people who enjoy dressing like weird Storm Troopers and using little bendy swords instead of the actual ones you see on the HBO smash hit, Game of Thrones.  I guess one of the guys’ helmets could fall off and then you could get some dramatic footage, but the odds of that are slim to none.  If they want me to watch this, put the contestants in full knight armor and let ‘em have at it.

Rugby
Rugby is like American football, but with no pads.  Can you imagine football with no pads?  I can, but I probably couldn’t have before I watched rugby.   Do I understand the rules?  Of course not, nobody does.  I doubt even the players understand the rules, or the referees.  But the New Zealand team does a dance when they win that reminds me of Lilo and Stitch, which is a great movie.  I challenge anyone to dislike rugby, and I challenge anyone to dislike Lilo and Stitch.  Seriously, if you say you don’t like that movie I’ll come to your house and make you watch the whole thing with me.  Rugby: 10/10 will watch religiously.

Volleyball
Volleyball is a pretty cool sport.  It’s not as cool as rugby, but it is close.  It’s like a big game of hot potato, which is a game I always won when I was little.  Some people from my past might tell you I won because I cheated and threw the potato at the other players and scared them into quitting, but those people need to mind their own business and stop making excuses for things that happened a long time ago.  Also, there’s the off chance that a spectator could get hit with a stray ball, which is funny, unless they’re old.  They could die, and death is never funny (unless the person who dies is Donald Trump).  A lot of people only know volleyball as the thing that Tom Hanks drew a face on and had sex with in Cast Away, but I think it’s more fun as a sport.

Swimming
People like swimming, but I don’t really get it.  The bathing suits are either way too revealing (men) or not nearly enough so (women).  If I wanted to see dudes walking around in Speedos, I’d just watch my neighbor Gary try to sell lemonade to the neighborhood kids.  No thanks, Gary.  If people are swimming in the rivers of Brazil this has the potential to be somewhat exciting, due to the amount of chemical waste in the waterways surrounding Rio and the supposed dangerous animals that have shown up (jellyfish, poisonous fish, Michael Phelps).  I would probably tune in if they wore water wings, because watching people try to swim fast in water wings is hilarious.

Table Tennis/Badminton
I know these are two different sports, but they’re essentially the same thing.  It’s one team or person using a racquet to get a little object over onto the opponent’s side, and not letting it hit the ground.  Both of these involve a good deal of skill, but apart from some thrilling volleys, are relatively boring.  I propose that both of these events be turned into full contact sports.  After all, most of the world’s best spectacles are full contact (football, hockey, The Bachelorette), and it would greatly increase the entertainment value.  Until then, hard pass on these two.

Soccer (Football)
Everywhere else in the world calls this sport football, because you kick a ball with your foot.  But because Americans have to make everything way more difficult than it should be (not using the metric system, calling the “bathroom” the “restroom,” having way more fat people than everywhere else), we call it soccer.  Soccer is a very fun sport to play, but not so much to watch.  Usually the matches only have one or two goals, and feature a lot of people falling down because they get breathed on too hard.  If you’re interested in how to look like you know what you’re talking about with soccer, I wrote this about the World Cup in 2014.

There you have it!  I hope this has been informative for you guys.  If anyone wants to come over and watch the Olympics with me, I’ll be painting “USA” on my chest in the mirror.  After, we can do what every American Olympian does and go to Bennigan’s for 3 to 4 Monte Cristo sandwiches (minimum).  See you there!